Anonymous
12/04/2023 06:41
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
Anonymous wrote:I've been dating a man for 6 months. He's welcomed me into his life with open arms. We see each other non-stop, have great sex, and a nice friendship. He has commitment issues however, and has not "defined the relationship". I normally never wait this long for such a thing. After a few months, I'm out. This has gone on so long because I like this man a LOT. Our day to day is so joy filled and we resolve conflict very easily. But the lack of definition is eating at my comfort level/self esteem. We've talked about labels in the past and he says he cares for me a lot but his finances are in flux and he doesn't want a committed relationship while things are in flux. From my perspective through our behavior we are in a committed relationship. Anyways, I'm feeling uncomfortable. I don't want to fall deeper if it's not going anywhere. Do I talk about my discomfort? He does not know that at this point I love him. Or just end it?
Your mutual behavior tells you you are in a committed relationship but you need the words. No wonder you are a serial monogamist.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 06:41
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
Anonymous wrote:I posted above recommending another six months. Still think so given the new info.
I am curious about his age. My guess is that he has concerns about whether he can be a step-parent to your child and financially support a new shared home. I think he has a tougher commitment decision to make than you do...because you are clearly ready to settle into a long-term relationship while he may not have been expecting to find a forever person.
I actually think six months is too little time to make such an important decision. Even without financial pressures.
I also think gentle ultimatums with plenty of lead time are useful for men vs. occasional outbreaks of wandering, stressful, "Do you love me"/"should we break up" conversations.
The "no labels" thing is a bit odd but if he's willing to say you're dating and introduces you to people in his life (relatives, coworkers, friends) then I wouldn't stress about it. If you don't know/haven't met any such people within a year, that would be a cause for questioning for me.
Ridiculous at their age.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 06:39
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
Anonymous wrote:End it. He’s been very upfront, but he’s kind of love-bombing you at the same time. This man has all the perks of an intimate relationship with you without any of the commitment. And you are giving it away - free and clear. But he can always claim “Hey, I was upfront from the start.” No way he will commit, EVER, but you will get in deeper.
Definitely end it!
100% this. He is telling you he won’t commit to you. Leave and see other people. Tell hi to get in touch when his finances are in order and he wants a real relationship. You are wasting your time.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 06:32
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
I guess I disagree with PPs that this is not a big deal. There’s a red flag in there somewhere. It wouldn’t sit right with me. Be cautious, at the very least.
How integrated is he with your son?
How integrated is he with your son?
Anonymous
12/04/2023 06:24
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
He wants to have the option to sleep with others. Would this bother you if he did? If so, break up. He’s been clear.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 06:12
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
Believe him when he tells you he doesn’t want a committed relationship.
As a fellow wid, I’m not going to knock you for dating. But I am going to ask how you’re investing so much time and energy into this situationship. In your words, you see each other non-stop. And you are a solo parent to a young child. At six months of dating, how much have you integrated this man into your/your child’s life?
As a fellow wid, I’m not going to knock you for dating. But I am going to ask how you’re investing so much time and energy into this situationship. In your words, you see each other non-stop. And you are a solo parent to a young child. At six months of dating, how much have you integrated this man into your/your child’s life?
Anonymous
12/04/2023 05:03
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
6 months and you have introduced him to your child? You are moving WAY too fast.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 04:57
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
What is “financially in flux”? IMO any financial issue so large as to be mentioned twice is a huge red flag.
Has this guy been married previously or in a long term relationship? Are you 100% sure you’re both in this as an exclusive relationship?
How does he introduce you to new people? How do you introduce him?
Are you 100% sure he isn’t married?
You say that you love him. How does he reply when you say, “I love you”?
How are you factoring your kid into this? I’d be more worried about the impact of a commitment-phobe on my kid than on me. What happens when this guy walks away?
Has this guy been married previously or in a long term relationship? Are you 100% sure you’re both in this as an exclusive relationship?
How does he introduce you to new people? How do you introduce him?
Are you 100% sure he isn’t married?
You say that you love him. How does he reply when you say, “I love you”?
How are you factoring your kid into this? I’d be more worried about the impact of a commitment-phobe on my kid than on me. What happens when this guy walks away?
Anonymous
12/04/2023 04:03
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
Anonymous wrote:Order yourself a copy of The Rules off Amazon asap.
You should not be giving him (or anyone) all the benefits of a committed relationship without the committed relationship.
+1.
Also, a 47 year old getting all the benefits of a girlfriend (he’s not too financially unstable to lay around and have a bunch of sex with you, curious!) but being cagey around literally calling you his girlfriend reads very juvenile. I would expect that out of a 23 year old man, not one who is pushing 50. This is a glaring red flag that he’s a commitmentphobe. Has he ever been married?
Anonymous
12/04/2023 02:17
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
It’s the financial instability that is a major red flag for me, especially since he’s 47.
That, combined with his not being willing to call you his girlfriend. I understand not wanting to use labels, but also after 6 months and the relationship isn’t exclusive, seems like the label is kind of de facto. Why the resistance? What’s the label have to do with financial instability?
OP, I get it that you have a strong connection with this guy, but it sounds like he is not going to be able to give you any kind of security - financial or otherwise. I think it’s time to move on.
That, combined with his not being willing to call you his girlfriend. I understand not wanting to use labels, but also after 6 months and the relationship isn’t exclusive, seems like the label is kind of de facto. Why the resistance? What’s the label have to do with financial instability?
OP, I get it that you have a strong connection with this guy, but it sounds like he is not going to be able to give you any kind of security - financial or otherwise. I think it’s time to move on.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 02:17
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
Order yourself a copy of The Rules off Amazon asap.
You should not be giving him (or anyone) all the benefits of a committed relationship without the committed relationship.
You should not be giving him (or anyone) all the benefits of a committed relationship without the committed relationship.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 02:01
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
Anonymous wrote:I posted above recommending another six months. Still think so given the new info.
I am curious about his age. My guess is that he has concerns about whether he can be a step-parent to your child and financially support a new shared home. I think he has a tougher commitment decision to make than you do...because you are clearly ready to settle into a long-term relationship while he may not have been expecting to find a forever person.
I actually think six months is too little time to make such an important decision. Even without financial pressures.
I also think gentle ultimatums with plenty of lead time are useful for men vs. occasional outbreaks of wandering, stressful, "Do you love me"/"should we break up" conversations.
The "no labels" thing is a bit odd but if he's willing to say you're dating and introduces you to people in his life (relatives, coworkers, friends) then I wouldn't stress about it. If you don't know/haven't met any such people within a year, that would be a cause for questioning for me.
OP here. He has introduced me to the people in his life and we spend time with them regularly. I completely get that being a step-parent is a big deal. I guess for me I don't expect him to know all that yet. I don't know if I want to marry him yet. I know I love him, seriously enjoy him, and want to be in a bf/gf relationship and see what develops from there. To me there are levels of commitment/partnership. Being bf/gf doesn't equal living together, getting engaged, or being married to me. It just means I like you and I'm interviewing you for the job.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 01:55
Subject: Starting to feel uncomfortable
I posted above recommending another six months. Still think so given the new info.
I am curious about his age. My guess is that he has concerns about whether he can be a step-parent to your child and financially support a new shared home. I think he has a tougher commitment decision to make than you do...because you are clearly ready to settle into a long-term relationship while he may not have been expecting to find a forever person.
I actually think six months is too little time to make such an important decision. Even without financial pressures.
I also think gentle ultimatums with plenty of lead time are useful for men vs. occasional outbreaks of wandering, stressful, "Do you love me"/"should we break up" conversations.
The "no labels" thing is a bit odd but if he's willing to say you're dating and introduces you to people in his life (relatives, coworkers, friends) then I wouldn't stress about it. If you don't know/haven't met any such people within a year, that would be a cause for questioning for me.
I am curious about his age. My guess is that he has concerns about whether he can be a step-parent to your child and financially support a new shared home. I think he has a tougher commitment decision to make than you do...because you are clearly ready to settle into a long-term relationship while he may not have been expecting to find a forever person.
I actually think six months is too little time to make such an important decision. Even without financial pressures.
I also think gentle ultimatums with plenty of lead time are useful for men vs. occasional outbreaks of wandering, stressful, "Do you love me"/"should we break up" conversations.
The "no labels" thing is a bit odd but if he's willing to say you're dating and introduces you to people in his life (relatives, coworkers, friends) then I wouldn't stress about it. If you don't know/haven't met any such people within a year, that would be a cause for questioning for me.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 01:02
Subject: Re:Starting to feel uncomfortable
Anonymous wrote:Man here. Who cares about labels. He said he's financially unstable currently. If you were boyfriend/girlfriend, you'd be complaining your bf is financially unstable anyway.
He's good to you. You enjoy being together. He's even being exclusive. What more do you need?
OP here. I really appreciate the male perspective. I absolutely would not complain about his finances. I look at him as a serious potential partner. There are ups and downs in life. I want him to be vulnerable and trust that I can be supportive during hard times. I also have a son to think about. They get along very well. I just want to know that he has a desire to really give this a shot. That doesn’t mean jumping straight to marriage, but it’s good to progress forward along the way.
Anonymous
12/04/2023 00:59
Subject: Re:Starting to feel uncomfortable
Anonymous wrote:Man here. Who cares about labels. He said he's financially unstable currently. If you were boyfriend/girlfriend, you'd be complaining your bf is financially unstable anyway.
He's good to you. You enjoy being together. He's even being exclusive. What more do you need?
Woman here and I agree.
I would feel differently if OP was younger or wanted more children. I can see why he wouldn’t want to move in with or marry someone if his finances aren’t in order. Doesn’t that mean he’s taking OP seriously? He sounds ideal in every way.