Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you visited your future in-laws for Christmas, what they did or didn't do to make you feel like part of the family? How would you include your future DIL or SIL so they feel good to be there?

Well, if nothing else, I applaud you thinking about this, OP.

All of us have been in their shoes so its our moral duty to do it better.

x100000

You said it!

In addition to all of the great suggestions above please make sure the new person has time/space to call their own family on the holiday. My MIL has always been wonderful about including me and welcoming foods and traditions to make me comfortable. But she would also ask about my family and even remind me to go call home. Then she made sure there was a quiet room for me to do so.

She may want to FaceTime with her family on Christmas Day or call. Just sayin' so she/he isn't kept too busy to make it a priority, if she'd/he'd like to.

Anonymous wrote:We don’t go to the ILs for Xmas because it was clear it was going to be done their way with no changes whatsoever.
I really didn’t want to never have any of my childhood traditions again. So we celebrate at home with our kids with a mix of DH’s and my traditions.

I think you should be willing to have your Christmas evolve just a little bit with the new family member.

This. Tradition can be an anvil dragging everyone down, or it can be a lovely thing that buoys family ties through the years. It's a good idea to know when you've slipped from something nice to something annoying.

Being open to making some changes to how things are done is always a good idea. I think the first Christmas away from their own family is always a little stressful for young adults. Acknowledge that and ask questions.

I will never forget feeling teary and sad I was missing my own family's Christmas while with DH's family the first year. NONE of them even acknowledged I HAD a family. I brought a candy that we make every Christmas that meant a lot to me and I was excited to share it with them. No one asked about it, and in fact they acted like it was strange (it's not! It's chocolate and delicious!) since it wasn't something they normally had. It was a small thing that really shifted how I felt about them over the years because it was indicative of the general way they treat me. I am a member of their family, but no one else's. It never would have occurred to them to ask how my family normally celebrates.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you visited your future in-laws for Christmas, what they did or didn't do to make you feel like part of the family? How would you include your future DIL or SIL so they feel good to be there?

Well, if nothing else, I applaud you thinking about this, OP.

All of us have been in their shoes so its our moral duty to do it better.

Anonymous wrote:When you visited your future in-laws for Christmas, what they did or didn't do to make you feel like part of the family? How would you include your future DIL or SIL so they feel good to be there?

Well, if nothing else, I applaud you thinking about this, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Nice you are asking.
I would thank her for spending the Holiday with your family and acknowledge that she might be missing her home and traditions. The first Christmas I spent with my now husband’s family I spent holding back tears. I was very sad to not be with my parents and was feeling guilty as I knew they were also missing me.

+1

Even if you are fine people, she might not want to share her traditions of her birth family, while missing them. I know I missed a parent's last Christmas, because we had just flown to spend time with DH's cousins, and drunken uncle and uncle's perverted and plainly scary drunken friends, and I was well overdue to be home with my own sane family, and childhood (and high school and college) friends, whom I was missing very much. It was more than a little nightmarish, I wish it was funny. It was kind of awful and awkward, especially considering flights home were so cheap. They might not care what your traditions are, or want to reenact hers with new people.

Try to make her comfortable, don't be judgmental, be hospitable, be diplomatic, clear, and good communicators, be kind and inclusive, don't go on about how your engaged son was the outcast of the family, and don't go on about old stories for the 5000th time. Oh, and don't have the t.v. on 24/7, if you expect to have conversations and get to know one another. That will help.

Trusting you have a better set up, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine limiting access to fridge or pantry for any guest.

Haha. Previous advice poster here. Obviously my dad is not your son-in-law. Grandma was pretty reasonable but she got really mad when her cupboards got raided for crackers she planned to serve with wine and cheese at other parts of the day. If all the black olives get scarfed by the grandkids, then the olive tray is ruined for the two olives at T-day people. And when I was a babysitter, I never felt comfortable with the idea of pawing through somebody's entire fridge looking for "whatever I wanted" to "help myself".

Also there is a lot of grief that goes on in families regarding clean-up helping. Get that right from Day 1 and avoid a lifetime of petty holiday gripes. I once got in trouble for putting margarine back in the fridge after dinner. I didn't know it was safe to leave out because my "family of origin" was quite food safety phobic.

Does anybody visiting for the first time going in to the pantry and cabinets looking for things? I would grab an apple from a fruit bowl but browse for snacks.

I would thank her/him and parents for opportunity to have her with us for Christmas.

The first time my DH spent Christmas with my parents their cat pissed all over the clothes in his suitcase. He was convinced that my mother did it! We survived.

Nice you are asking.
I would thank her for spending the Holiday with your family and acknowledge that she might be missing her home and traditions. The first Christmas I spent with my now husband’s family I spent holding back tears. I was very sad to not be with my parents and was feeling guilty as I knew they were also missing me.

Anonymous wrote:We don’t go to the ILs for Xmas because it was clear it was going to be done their way with no changes whatsoever.
I really didn’t want to never have any of my childhood traditions again. So we celebrate at home with our kids with a mix of DH’s and my traditions.

I think you should be willing to have your Christmas evolve just a little bit with the new family member.

Same. I also wasn't willing to never see my own family on any holidays either. I think there was a lot of room for compromise, but neither set was willing to compromise (change dates they celebrate, like one Christmas Eve, one Christmas night) or invite each other.

Think about an activity you can all do together. Sometimes being new and making conversation all day with ppl who've known each other a long time can be a lot.

Something simple like walking around to see Xmas lights together or at home a board game, card game.