Here's why I think reading texts/social media posts is different from invading privacy: the consequences of what people write electronically are HUGE. People get fired, un-admitted from colleges, banned from teams, for even things like "liking" a racist post, regardless of its intent of history.

I let my kids know I will read their texts periodically because I want to make sure they're not taking undue risks. I tell them I will never bring up anything I read that I think they don't want me to know (my DD has no idea I know how she's tried to pursue a crush.) But I did mention to my 7th grader, "When you tell your friend, 'Suck it, b***,' you are risking that friend's parents not wanting you in their kid's life. And please learn this stuff now when the stakes are low.

If you read your kids' texts, go through their room, etc., you have calculated that the benefit of losing their trust is worth the chance that you will find something. That is just not the case for me. I want to be the one they come to when they need help, not the one they hide everything from. I mean this as a parent, not someone who is trying to be a friend.

My friends with the snoopiest parents somehow were the ones who took the most risks. Those of us who were not so carefully managed seemed to learn how to self-regulate...

Some parents handed their kid an unrestricted iphone in 5th grade and haven't monitored them since. That is neglect. How does that child ever learn what is acceptable?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

If you are worried your kid is doing or will do something wrong then take away ability to text or limit access to contacts. It’s that simple. If you want to read texts go ahead but just accept the impact that it will have and not care. That’s simple too.

I am not a crazy permissive parent because I don’t read my kids texts. They are in high school and I trust them because they demonstrate responsibility in other aspects of their life. Not getting into trouble at school. Good friends. Good grades. I drive them where they go and know who they are with. Are you going to read texts when they go to college? At some point you have to let go. That point if different on base by car basis. But Jeez.

No, I will not read them when they go to college. BTW I don't read my kids' text all the time. But if I need to, I do. And that's my right and responsibility because I pay for the phone and they're legal minors.

I wouldn't do that when they go to college because they're legal adults and I'm not on the hook for their choices and actions like I am when they're minors.

So you only read your kids texts because you are responsible if they get in legal trouble. Not because you want to be sure they are ok. Got it.

DP, but at some point I think you have to accept that they're adults. I think that will be 18/college for me. My parents don't read my texts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

If you are worried your kid is doing or will do something wrong then take away ability to text or limit access to contacts. It’s that simple. If you want to read texts go ahead but just accept the impact that it will have and not care. That’s simple too.

I am not a crazy permissive parent because I don’t read my kids texts. They are in high school and I trust them because they demonstrate responsibility in other aspects of their life. Not getting into trouble at school. Good friends. Good grades. I drive them where they go and know who they are with. Are you going to read texts when they go to college? At some point you have to let go. That point if different on base by car basis. But Jeez.

No, I will not read them when they go to college. BTW I don't read my kids' text all the time. But if I need to, I do. And that's my right and responsibility because I pay for the phone and they're legal minors.

I wouldn't do that when they go to college because they're legal adults and I'm not on the hook for their choices and actions like I am when they're minors.

So you only read your kids texts because you are responsible if they get in legal trouble. Not because you want to be sure they are ok. Got it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

I disagree. When we were kids, my parents didn’t monitor my communication with my friends. Same rule here.

- SVU prosecutor

Yeah but you couldn't take screen shots then! We could deny things!

I tell my kids to dance like no one is watching, but to text like it may one day be read aloud in a deposition.

I tell my kids upfront that the phone is my phone - I am allowing them to use it - and I can look at it if I want.
I want to trust them to do the right thing without me monitoring them - so I don't look often, but I occasionally look.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

If you are worried your kid is doing or will do something wrong then take away ability to text or limit access to contacts. It’s that simple. If you want to read texts go ahead but just accept the impact that it will have and not care. That’s simple too.

I am not a crazy permissive parent because I don’t read my kids texts. They are in high school and I trust them because they demonstrate responsibility in other aspects of their life. Not getting into trouble at school. Good friends. Good grades. I drive them where they go and know who they are with. Are you going to read texts when they go to college? At some point you have to let go. That point if different on base by car basis. But Jeez.

No, I will not read them when they go to college. BTW I don't read my kids' text all the time. But if I need to, I do. And that's my right and responsibility because I pay for the phone and they're legal minors.

I wouldn't do that when they go to college because they're legal adults and I'm not on the hook for their choices and actions like I am when they're minors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

I disagree. When we were kids, my parents didn’t monitor my communication with my friends. Same rule here.

- SVU prosecutor

DP. My mother monitored my communications with friends. It's why for my birthday one year they gave me a hollowed out book and a tiny safe - so I could stick notes in there without them being read. She also would listen in on phone conversations, and if I called her out on it she'd walk into whatever room I was in and listen in on my side.

This is nuts. She probably had a key to that little safe too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

I disagree. When we were kids, my parents didn’t monitor my communication with my friends. Same rule here.

- SVU prosecutor

DP. My mother monitored my communications with friends. It's why for my birthday one year they gave me a hollowed out book and a tiny safe - so I could stick notes in there without them being read. She also would listen in on phone conversations, and if I called her out on it she'd walk into whatever room I was in and listen in on my side.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

If you are worried your kid is doing or will do something wrong then take away ability to text or limit access to contacts. It’s that simple. If you want to read texts go ahead but just accept the impact that it will have and not care. That’s simple too.

I am not a crazy permissive parent because I don’t read my kids texts. They are in high school and I trust them because they demonstrate responsibility in other aspects of their life. Not getting into trouble at school. Good friends. Good grades. I drive them where they go and know who they are with. Are you going to read texts when they go to college? At some point you have to let go. That point if different on base by car basis. But Jeez.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

I disagree. When we were kids, my parents didn’t monitor my communication with my friends. Same rule here.

- SVU prosecutor

I didn’t. I don’t blame parents who do, but for us we felt their development as individuals and their right to privacy was important. Actually now that I think about it we may havd done it for the first year, I don’t really remember. Anyway, they are 16 and 18 now so I certainly wouldn’t do it now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

I do it only as needed, if I see their grades drop or notice a change and behavior. And guess what? The answer to both of this scenarios is almost always found in the phone.

Do not be afraid of confronting him about what you read and asking more questions. You can't be afraid of offending your child. You are paying for the phone and he is the child and you are the parent. You have a right to ask questions.