There is a difference between fair and equal. Paying for each child's college is fair, even if the price tags are not equal.

Both got the same 529 amount. One chose out of state and funded that. Other chose instate and funded both undergrad and grad. Their choice.

In my family, everything was even Steven except I went to state school and my sister went to an expensive private college. I never thought about it being unfair. She didn’t have the grades or test scores to attend my school so my parents paid for the best school for her.

We try to be fair with our kids. One plays a travel sport, which is his passion but very expensive. The other doesn’t have any expensive activities. It was just his birthday and he wanted to take some friends to a professional sports game. We spent a small fortune on tickets and felt like it was something we should do bc the cost was less than half of our last travel sports trip. It’s not even but we try to give both our kids what they need and, within reason, what they want.

I think in this case it's fair, but if one child got significant scholarship or a full ride, I would give them the cash for a down payment after they graduate and establish a career.

Anonymous wrote:

Fair does not mean equal. I have taught my kids this since they were very young. Everyone gets what is right for them.

This is such BS. You are ALL knowing? Of course I would need specifics to be entitled to my outrage. But, generally ... as long as no child is an extreme outliner re: needs, people DO care a lot re: fairness. If you aren't fair, it will forever harm your relationship with them and their relationship with each other.

Welp, being that two of my kids have already graduated from college, and my relationship with them and their relationship with each other is great, I'm not really worried. But you enjoy your outrage. This is why you teach this concept young, and not in 12th grade. When both kids are in school and one needs tutoring and the other doesn't, should I have just ... handed the one who didn't need tutoring cash? To keep things equal? No. Because fair is each kid getting what they need. And they understood that on a much deeper level than apparently you do.

OP here. Thanks for the responses!

In terms of poor planning on our part, we were always comfortable with not funding our retirement for a few years while the kids in school if we needed to. We have prioritized saving for retirement and have saved a lot for retirement and the couple years of no funds wouldn’t really impact our goals all that much. It just ended up where my DS’s cost is not making us have to do this.

We’ve offered both kids the same amount towards college and we only offered an amount that we could afford for both. Otherwise we would have been in a situation where the one sibling’s decision would impact the other which I don’t think is fair. The kids know they don’t get a car or any immediate incentive if they don’t use the full amount that we are willing to contribute. They can use the remainder of any 529 plan to go towards grad school or a down payment for a home.

I also have spreadsheet when they are making the college decision and we talk about costs for all four years, what their expected contribution would be, and the loans, and the payback of loans for those options. Since anything other than in-state our OOS public with incredible merit will mean some level of loans and sacrifice for our kids, they have to own the financial trade-offs of where they decide to attend college.

My son got a degree from a T10 school, fully paid, no loans.

My daughter got a degree from a state school, also fully paid. We will pay tuition for her Master’s (also in state, required in her profession), and she is also getting $40K toward down payment/ car/ wedding, however she chooses to spend it.

I am trying to be fair.

Fair does not mean equal. I have taught my kids this since they were very young. Everyone gets what is right for them.

This is such BS. You are ALL knowing? Of course I would need specifics to be entitled to my outrage. But, generally ... as long as no child is an extreme outliner re: needs, people DO care a lot re: fairness. If you aren't fair, it will forever harm your relationship with them and their relationship with each other.

One cost $80K more.

He will pay $20K in loans

The other will pay no loans and will get a reasonable car upon graduation.

Neither kid has actually asked for it to be more even. It’s just something we think would be nice.

I’m in the fair does not mean equal category. And I’ve spent tons of money on special needs. But it feels really unfair to me to fund an expensive college for one and give the other a cheap one. For me, I offered my kids all a state school education. If they want more, they fund it. If any of my kids were MIT or ivy material or required a specialized training, I’d do that. But that’s not us.

Anonymous wrote:Fair does not mean equal. I have taught my kids this since they were very young. Everyone gets what is right for them.

+1000

Nothing. Whatever expense was incurred for both kids, came from the same bucket - college education for both the kids. Whatever savings was there, it also went to the same bucket.

Fair does not mean equal. I have taught my kids this since they were very young. Everyone gets what is right for them.

We averaged our contributions to both kids so they end up with the same debt no matter how much the schools cost or the different aid they were given. They both went where they wanted.