I wanted to give you some insight into what goes through a shy depressed girls brain when she is being sexually harassed like this. I was your daughter, and I was sexually harassed repeatedly in my teens and twenties. In my teens a swim teammate (boy, it was coed) pulled my swimsuit down around my waist every single day for weeks. I was too embarrassed to ask my mom for a new “swim team” type suit and wore my beach suit. He would swim up behind me. Everyone knew, no one did anything.

I was big and strong. I could have decked the kid, held him underwater, kicked him in the nuts. I did all those things to my big brother! But all I wanted to do was disappear. Having attention called to me was more painful than the harassment. There is also a voice in your head that says “maybe this is okay - maybe he’s allowed to do this - maybe if I say something everyone will laugh at me for making a fuss.” That voice in my head allowed me to be groped on buses, trains, streets and airplanes for the next 10 years.

That voice prevented me from saying a decisive clear NO in my 20s when I didn’t want to sleep with an ex boyfriend who invited me over for a movie.

You don’t need to get her self defense class, though I’m sure that is great. You need to figure out how to change the voice in her head that says other people have rights to her body, and that people paying attention to her will humiliate her. That’s what is preventing her from standing up for herself.

Good luck to you and your daughter, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My daughter is very close mouthed, but I'm assuming it means he grabbed her boob. Twice. Same guy. I'm not sure if it was him, or someone else who also said something about her being fat. (She came home the same day and brought that part up with my husband.)

She has depression, anxiety, ocd. All got worse after this. She hasn't seen a therapist in months...she just refused to talk, so thought a break would be good for her. Because of this (and also because it's been awhile), I'm looking for a new one.

She also takes jujitsu, and I think it's helpful....

I’d talk to her instructor to model what to do when someone grabs you. You don’t have to say grope to the instructor.

She should have grabbed his arm and put him in a hold.

“Grabbed his arm and put him in a hold” is pretty vague. She needs to hurt, embarrass and humiliate him, possibly more than once. Every time he sees her he needs to remember how badly it turned out for him the last time. This goes not only for self defense but the entire situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should put your daughter in a juijitsu class or some self defense class.

Jiujitsu (at least the Brazilian version popular now) involves a lot of close body contact. I’d suggest Krav Maga instead. Simpler. Significantly more physically aggressive.

The reason BjJ works for women is because many assaults on females involve close body contact.

The reason Krav Maga works well for women is that pretty much every defensive “set” ends with an attack to the “groin.”

OP says her daughter takes jiujitsu and likes it. There are plenty of punishing techniques in that repitoire.

Personally I’d raise hell at the school. This is sexual assault and it’s shown that the victim is the one that often ends up retreating and missing school. I would not play with this at all. Principle office immediately and threats to file a police report.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My daughter is very close mouthed, but I'm assuming it means he grabbed her boob. Twice. Same guy. I'm not sure if it was him, or someone else who also said something about her being fat. (She came home the same day and brought that part up with my husband.)

She has depression, anxiety, ocd. All got worse after this. She hasn't seen a therapist in months...she just refused to talk, so thought a break would be good for her. Because of this (and also because it's been awhile), I'm looking for a new one.

She also takes jujitsu, and I think it's helpful....

I’d talk to her instructor to model what to do when someone grabs you. You don’t have to say grope to the instructor.

She should have grabbed his arm and put him in a hold.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My daughter is very close mouthed, but I'm assuming it means he grabbed her boob. Twice. Same guy. I'm not sure if it was him, or someone else who also said something about her being fat. (She came home the same day and brought that part up with my husband.)

She has depression, anxiety, ocd. All got worse after this. She hasn't seen a therapist in months...she just refused to talk, so thought a break would be good for her. Because of this (and also because it's been awhile), I'm looking for a new one.

She also takes jujitsu, and I think it's helpful....

What does the jiujitsu teacher (directly or perhaps through a more senior female student if the teacher is male) have to say? I suspect that finding themself on the wrong end of a hip throw and an aggressive arm bar might enlighten the assailant quite convincingly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should put your daughter in a juijitsu class or some self defense class.

Jiujitsu (at least the Brazilian version popular now) involves a lot of close body contact. I’d suggest Krav Maga instead. Simpler. Significantly more physically aggressive.

The reason BjJ works for women is because many assaults on females involve close body contact.

Anonymous wrote:I would consider switching schools, but overall, she's doing well. I'd like to give the school a chance to address. School is ok, but no middle schools are amazing in this area.

What have you done to give the school a chance to address the situation? So far all we know is that your daughter told the teacher. You don't know what your daughter actually said because you weren't there, and an embarrassed and anxious child may not have communicated the gravity of the offense very well. The teacher may not understand what actually happened or how much this affected your daughter. That is why you must step in as the parent and speak to the principal and counselor and make an official report and follow up repeatedly.

It's the offender, not her, who should have to change classes or schools. Teachers are mandatory reporters. Her initial conversation with the teacher should have gotten the ball rolling. Start there, with the teacher and principal, and ask what steps they've taken to address it with the offender.

Please file an official report with the school ASAP and email both the principal and the counselor. Do not assume that the teacher really knows what happened or told the appropriate officials or that any consequences will happen unless you set the process in motion officially.

I would consider switching schools, but overall, she's doing well. I'd like to give the school a chance to address. School is ok, but no middle schools are amazing in this area.

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks ago my daughter was distraught when she got home from school. She finally shared that a boy groped her. She said she told a teacher and it wouldn't happen again. But....

She was very distraught. She has problems with depression and seems significantly worse since this incident. She refused to go to school for two days. She is adamantly opposed to me letting the school know.

But from looking at her text messages, it happened again right before Thanksgiving break.

I'm struggling to know what to do. I don't want to break her trust (because I'm worried she won't share with me in the future), but this is a bigger thing.

She also very private and anxious. And not currently seeing a therapist (I'm trying to change this...)

Any advice is appreciated. I suggested telling her i could have the the school therapist talk to her because it's affecting her (and then it would hopefully get investigated), but she said she wouldn't talk or go to school.

I could push that route, but I'm not sure if it would close her off even more.

Teachers are mandatory reporters. There should be a record of it. I'd follow up with the principal to see what steps are being taken to make sure the boy is never near her

Op here. My daughter is very close mouthed, but I'm assuming it means he grabbed her boob. Twice. Same guy. I'm not sure if it was him, or someone else who also said something about her being fat. (She came home the same day and brought that part up with my husband.)

She has depression, anxiety, ocd. All got worse after this. She hasn't seen a therapist in months...she just refused to talk, so thought a break would be good for her. Because of this (and also because it's been awhile), I'm looking for a new one.

She also takes jujitsu, and I think it's helpful....

Self defense lessons like pp suggested. Put her in karate or some other martial arts lessons. Help her feel like she is capable of defending herself.

Would you consider switching schools? My kids are in catholic school and I can’t imagine that happening in our school. A boy would be expelled for that behavior.

Anonymous wrote:You should put your daughter in a juijitsu class or some self defense class.

Jiujitsu (at least the Brazilian version popular now) involves a lot of close body contact. I’d suggest Krav Maga instead. Simpler. Significantly more physically aggressive.