Anonymous wrote:This question is wild to me. My kids just do their chores; there is no negotiation. The 19yo even resumes when he comes home from college.

I’m impressed PP. my kid has adhd and she uses that as an excuse all.the.time. She’s also an expert negotiator and is very good at shirking responsibilities. It’s a struggle.

Anonymous wrote:This question is wild to me. My kids just do their chores; there is no negotiation. The 19yo even resumes when he comes home from college.

This.

And I don’t pay children to help around the house. It is expected that everyone pitches in. We all live here, so we all work to keep our household running.

Besides daily things (basically clean up after yourself) and the pets, I found my teens are better at projects instead of routine chores. This means each weekend I offer up a few projects, like clean the fridge or organize the pantry or clean baseboards, and they choose which one they want to do. It must be done by Sunday evening, but otherwise can do it whenever over the weekend. They each get to claim the project they want, so there's motivation to choose first.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 11 to 16 and do chores. They do their own laundry, clean their bathroom, clear the table, and do a weekly full house clean (change sheets, dust, mop, clean mirrors/glass, take out trash, put away groceries).

I think we are successful because I did it with them for many years and made it fun (they picked music and set timers). Now, it's a routine. They know that no electronics or outings with friends happen until chores are done. They know that they will run out of socks if they don't do laundry.

Another thing I think that helps is that I taught them to do a little everyday. Growing up we spent Saturday morning cleaning and Saturday evening getting our hair washed and braided. I didn't want my kids to spend Saturday like that, so they spread chores out over the week most of the time.

Where are you from? Little House on the Prairie?

I never gave an allowance to my DS. He doesn't do the best job at chores but there's never been any whining about it. You live here, you contribute. He prefers chores like walking the dog to doing his laundry. He's in college now and brought home tons of laundry which he has almost finished. I had to do some of it so I could get mine done too.

I can’t claim victory here at all, but it works best if the chore is mandatory and not tied to allowance or a consequence. The end goal is a kid who knows how to do the chore, and gets the chore done, and has internalized “this is what one does in a houshold.” So it’s more about routines that I heavily scaffold than it is about punishing and cajoling. And I don’t expect it to happen without a lot of effort on my part.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry that this probably won’t help you much, but I’ll put it out there anyway.

Very small kids LOVE to help! Often though, adults don’t let them because it’s messy and time consuming. If you let toddlers help, and increase responsibility and the complexity of the tasks, it’s easier for them to grow into older kids who continue to feel valued for their efforts.

In your place, OP, I’d probably do a chore wheel as a family, and let EVERYBODY— starting with the kids — choose their chores for the week. Some would be teen/adult only, and some would be open to everyone. I might choose pet care myself.
— in part because of the health of the pet that I agreed to house and care for. If the kids are old enough, I’d also have a few days where I didn’t do my chores either. So dinner is pb & j — because I “didn’t feel like” shopping or cooking. Or their favorite sweats are still dirty because I was “busy”. I would then have a family chat about being responsible for each other as a family. Honestly though, if kids completely refused to do chores that they had some role in choosing, I’d do the same a few times, and use that as fodder for discussion. I’d also put a check sheet on the fridge or in some prominent place, and I’d use it.

tldr: Things need to be done. Everyone has to choose something. There will be opportunities to change your choices.

I didn’t read all this drivel but I let my toddlers do plenty of chores and “help” all the time. They are still whiny teens who don’t like going their chores.

My 2 sons had a chore chart. I created a A list and a B list and it listed items they were responsible for the week. If #1 son had the A list, next week, he flipped to the B list. This eliminated the, “I did it last time”, “It’s not my turn,” etc. I included once a week chores, as well as daily chores. For example, if you were on kitchen duty, you were responsible for setting the table, emptying the dishwasher and helping with dinner prep. My kids never blew off their responsibilities, but I would have pulled car rides to their various activities (going to a party, friend’s house,etc.)

I recently listened to a podcast (Smartless) featuring Steph Curry, the basketball player. He spoke about him missing his very first middle school B ball game because he didn’t do the dishes! He is 35 years old and still remembers this. Go Mama Curry!

Since our kids were little we took the approach that everyone works until everyone’s work is done. It is hard to complain when others are doing chores at the same time. We take this approach once a day after dinner and on weekends for the big house cleaning. Kids learn to work efficiently and find useful things to do or help others out.

That said, we started when they were young so it didn’t require any badgering. They are 15 and 16 and this is just the norm.

Mine is tied to allowance. I gather there’s a school of thought that you shouldn’t do that be it seems to work. My kids’ chores are minimal as well

My kids always helped out when they were younger (chore charts, everyone pick a chore, no electronics until chores are completed, etc.). They also understood that everyone in the family helps out - no issues getting their buy in! However, as they got older, school and sports commitments became more intense and I fell in the trap of allowing them to make excuses. I would end up doing everything because I didn’t have the stamina to engage in the arguments (single mom who is a teacher…and exhausted). Because they practice 6-7 days a week for their sports, and keep up with their school work, I allowed them to justify why they didn’t have time for chores because of sports/school/work commitments. My younger two are a jr and sr in high school (and oldest graduated college with masters, living on her own - she always did a reasonable amount of daily / weekly chores without too much push back).

The ONLY thing that has worked is me listing out their chores every single day and standing firm with the consequences (taking away phone, not letting them leave the house unless their chores are done).

I do find myself getting annoyed that we had to take it back to elementary school with the chore check list but at this point it’s more important for me to have some help around the house than to stress over what I think I should have to do or not do for them to help out).

My advice is to realize YOU are going to have to be the one who sets and enforces the consequences. It sucks because you likely have 1000 other things in your plate and this is one more thing you have to deal with that shouldn’t even be an issue in the first place but here we are…I had to first stop feeling resentful that they didn’t help willingly help out (they would argue about small chores like emptying the dishwasher, feeding the pets🙄). Second, I had to accept that I need to write out their chores every. single. day. in order for me to actually have help around the house.

It’s only been about six weeks, but this is the most consistent and successful the chore situation has been since they were tweens. My hope is that this will become a habit and I can phase out making daily lists but time will tell.

The 19 year old really won't do chores if you threaten to cancel his cell phone plan? Really?

Anonymous wrote:This question is wild to me. My kids just do their chores; there is no negotiation. The 19yo even resumes when he comes home from college.

How are they with reading comprehension?

Visual charts help SO much. They sign their name when they do a communal chore like emptying the dishwasher. So we always know who is up next among the 3 kids. They don't like it, but when there's visual record it feels more "fair" than if we say "hey take out the trash" and they think "you always ask me and you never ask Jorlo!"

Laundry is easy - do it or wear dirty clothes. My kids unload the dishwasher, clean up with kitchen, empty the trash, do the cat box, help with the dogs, clean up after themselves and sometimes help with outside work. I sometimes have to remind them but it’s not a big deal. Everyone has to do their part to keep the house running smoothly.