I am shocked by all the people that think what DH did was ok. Imagine a world where the wife posted that she lost it and yelled at her husband. She tried to exit the room when she realizes it is spiraling, and her DH forces his way in and pins her against the wall. What is wrong with all of you???

That said, I also agree with going no contact with the mentally ill brother. And I would probably be low-ish contact with the parents that enable all this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:definitely not bragging about this. sick to my stomach about it.

My poor parents just wanted a nice weekend away as a family -- posting here because I am so ashamed of the role I played and my DH played in this.

I’m sending you a hug and begging you to put shame aside. Shame is what isolates those of us with family mental health issues from getting support and help. It’s not a productive emotion because it creates secrets and loneliness. Don’t let anyone here try to guilt or shame you for your brother’s behavior. Anyone who is judging you probably has never come close to a sibling who is mentally ill and unbalanced. I’m writing this to you as someone whose SIL repeatedly blamed my infant for messing various parts of my SiL’s life up and eventually attempted to smother her with a pillow…and I got blamed by others for not being understanding enough of SIL’s struggles.

This exactly. That is mature of you to be ashamed of buying into the crazy. But I know how you got there.

Best advice: Cut off contact w bro. Explain to your children that your brother has something wrong with his brain that is causing the outbursts and behaviour and apologize- only to the kids- for allowing him into their lives but assure them you won't need to see him again until he gets help. Forgiveness is important to teach- but more important is healthy boundaries.

As for how to address your parents- well everyone has a different threshold for how much to allow enablers into their lives- but I'd have to only engage with them without brother and not ever discuss him again. They aren't helping him at all- but they probably will never see it that way.

That sounds emotionally exhausting for all of you. I think you should tell your 9 yr old that you were wrong to ask him to apologize and continuously lose games to his cousin. It's OK to win if he's older, it's kind to let 6 win occasionally but 9 is still a child too and deserves fun without the constant responsibility for cousin's ego. It might help him let go of some of this blame he is feeling.

Regardless of whether I think you contributed to it or your husband was wrong, I would never again visit with your brother. Being together poses a danger to your family. Calling the police put your entire family and livelihood in jeopardy but due to the events, it might have been necessary. Avoidance is the only answer. Once things escalate to violence, a barrier has broken and you can never go back. It’s like that has become acceptable and the the risk is that the needle moves toward greater escalation.

^^Supply, as in narcissistic or similar mental illness supply.

Very clear that you are all supplied to your brother a shell shocked to heck and acting like hostages. He is clearly not taking any responsibility for his actions, at all. Who does that? Not mentally healthy people.
Nothing is his fault, and in order to have some peace you and your parents have given in to everything just to keep some peace. You will never have it, he is mentally ill.
Your DH acted as a husband should, and it is not like your brother was all innocent in slamming the door.
Ex-wife should have sole custody of the child, who is dealing with this mentally ill parent all the time when with him.
All of you acted like hostages because you know your brother is an abusive POS.
Regardless of what your brother's diagnosis is, abusive is abusive and there is no excuse for him abusing all of you. Cut him off.

So, your brother has NPD? Cut him off.

Anonymous wrote:definitely not bragging about this. sick to my stomach about it.

My poor parents just wanted a nice weekend away as a family -- posting here because I am so ashamed of the role I played and my DH played in this.

I’m sending you a hug and begging you to put shame aside. Shame is what isolates those of us with family mental health issues from getting support and help. It’s not a productive emotion because it creates secrets and loneliness. Don’t let anyone here try to guilt or shame you for your brother’s behavior. Anyone who is judging you probably has never come close to a sibling who is mentally ill and unbalanced. I’m writing this to you as someone whose SIL repeatedly blamed my infant for messing various parts of my SiL’s life up and eventually attempted to smother her with a pillow…and I got blamed by others for not being understanding enough of SIL’s struggles.

Anonymous wrote:
Your brother's mental illness is such that he will always blame someone else, even a child. Please do not contact him again. He will trigger another dramatic episode.

I sure hope his kids are usually with their mother.

This is good advice, and I say that as a NP with a mentally ill brother and a mentally ill SIL (my DH’s sister). A person like this will always make it anyone else’s fault in order to protect their damaged ego. Often they don’t even know they’re doing it. You are lucky to have experienced this awful episode because now you know: stay away. We are careful with extended family gatherings because our mentally ill siblings revert to especially maladaptive coping mechanisms patterned on childhood roles when around our parents.

My DD is 8 and we talk to her in an age appropriate but 100% honest way about the struggles her aunt and uncle face. It’s really important for kids to know that they’re not crazy or responsible for something like this happening. It’s also important for them to know when and how they can talk about what happened. It’s hard to carry it around as a little kid who knows something is off and also secret (most kids know visits from the cops aren’t “how I spent my Thanksgiving weekend” language arts journal fare) so you need to tell them they can bring it up at any time with you and DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You never invite your brother ever again. It's too bad for his kids, but your nuclear family comes first.

This and your husband rocks.

Sorry that happened, OP. I don’t think your husband’s behavior rocks - It is not appropriate (or legal) to use physical aggression to counter words, but I’m glad that no one was hurt and the police recognized this. How are your kids after seeing this? Especially the 9 year old; not his fault but some kids could see it that way.

Agree. DH should have stood up to him verbally without laying hands on him.

At this point, only brief family visits with your brother, if at all.

definitely not bragging about this. sick to my stomach about it.

My poor parents just wanted a nice weekend away as a family -- posting here because I am so ashamed of the role I played and my DH played in this.

Anonymous wrote:Brother probably slightly sucks worse than anyone else in this story but y’all a hot mess. The kids, you OP, DH…..

The more I think about it your dh was most out of line. Can’t believe you’re bragging about this online.

The entire family sounds trashy.

Brother probably slightly sucks worse than anyone else in this story but y’all a hot mess. The kids, you OP, DH…..

The more I think about it your dh was most out of line. Can’t believe you’re bragging about this online.

Your DH should not have laid hands on him.
You also should not have lectured your brother to “nip this sore loser thing in the bud.”
Both of you escalated rather than de-escalated.
And if he is “routinely verbally abusive,” wtf were you even there, especially for several days?
This whole thing screams dysfunction, and it is not just your brother and his unemployment.

I can’t believe you were even willing to spend Thanksgiving with him after his nasty text messages. And WTF, your DH telling you to go back and make up with him?

I call troll.