Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:41
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
If you read up case studies, not many women see character issues or behavioral flaws in their new BFs or husbands until its too late.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:39
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, they understand that their manic/bipolar mom will sooner or later engage in "splitting" and suddenly the current FWB/knight in shining armor will be seen by mom as 100% bad and persona non grata. This may coincide with mom getting bored of the current situationship and coming across a new guy who tickles her fancy.
Only 9 months and you want to coerce them into accepting your shag of the moment as a full fledged family and household member? Calling THEM "selfish"? Please OP this is a "you" problem not a "them" problem. Get back on your meds.
+1000. OP the fact that you even have to ask us what’s going on with your own 14 and 16 YO girls is horrifying.
They have parents who can’t keep a marriage together, a father who has dropped out of their lives and a mother who, after only 9 months of dating, is immaturely acting like she’s met Prince Charming and expects them to be excited about your sex life.
You need some serious therapy OP before you and your x cause lasting damage to them.
Bizarre to me how so many people on DCUM say if you’re not engaged to someone after a year, move on, but here we have someone who’s been dating 9 months, and somehow in this situation that’s a paltry amount of time.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:37
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
That's wayyy to short a time of dating to force your kids to hang out with him three nights a week. Girls that age just don't feel comfortable with an unrelated man in the house, and you're making them have to be on company behavior and company attire. If he's showing up unpredictably, that means they're always a little on edge because they don't know when they'll have to be in Future Stepdaughter mode.
They know this is not just some platonic friend who stopped by. They know all too well that you'll be trying to make him be their stepfather and then they'll have to be dealing with him all the time and get way less time 1:1 with you. And they'll have stepsiblings and either have to move in with the stepfamily or let the stepfamily move in with them. That he'll start making changes and laying down rules and their lives will change in ways they don't like. Your daughters are not stupid. They see where this goes.
You have to account for the possibility that they just don't like him. I'm an adult and I don't like my mom's partner. It's not because of the divorce or any issues. I just think he's an annoying loser and a mooch. That's okay. Not everyone likes everyone's boyfriend! Do you like all your friends' partners? I doubt it.
They know this is not just some platonic friend who stopped by. They know all too well that you'll be trying to make him be their stepfather and then they'll have to be dealing with him all the time and get way less time 1:1 with you. And they'll have stepsiblings and either have to move in with the stepfamily or let the stepfamily move in with them. That he'll start making changes and laying down rules and their lives will change in ways they don't like. Your daughters are not stupid. They see where this goes.
You have to account for the possibility that they just don't like him. I'm an adult and I don't like my mom's partner. It's not because of the divorce or any issues. I just think he's an annoying loser and a mooch. That's okay. Not everyone likes everyone's boyfriend! Do you like all your friends' partners? I doubt it.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:35
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been divorced for 2 1/2 years now. I have full custody of my two teenage (14, 16) girls. Dad is a deadbeat and only sees them a few times a year. Dating has been a challenge. I finally met someone that I’m head over heels in love with and my kids are being kind of rude. They barely acknowledge him. We’ve been dating for 9 months now and I see a future with him. Given how serious we are and the fact that I get no break, he comes over a few times a week and helps me with my house, eats dinner, etc. Come to find out, my kids feel uncomfortable (not in a creepy way) with him around so much. I was somewhat shocked to find this out. He is such a good person, he’s very normal, he’s a family man, has kids of his own, a great job, lots of friends and hobbies. This has definitely complicated our relationship. He volunteered to step back from coming over, but I think he was honestly a little hurt. I have my kids in therapy bc there is some obvious unresolved feelings around my divorce that hasn’t been processed. Any thoughts on what might be going on here? Did I introduce him too soon to my kids and they weren’t ready for it? I feel like I’ve done my work and waited til I felt strongly about someone before introducing him to my kids. I know they are teenagers and by default somewhat selfish, but I haven’t been this happy with someone in a long time.
Idk about you but personally, I wouldn't impose a man on my teen daughters whose family was torn couple of years ago. I would wait to have a serious relationship until they are gone to college. Your mileage may vary.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:32
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
This could be our resident poster with kids who used to post some 3 years ago about how everyone was against her boyfriend, even her sister, and how he was the best thing for her as her husband left her..... and we all told her to slow down and she did not. Troll!
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:31
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
Anonymous wrote:OP, they understand that their manic/bipolar mom will sooner or later engage in "splitting" and suddenly the current FWB/knight in shining armor will be seen by mom as 100% bad and persona non grata. This may coincide with mom getting bored of the current situationship and coming across a new guy who tickles her fancy.
Only 9 months and you want to coerce them into accepting your shag of the moment as a full fledged family and household member? Calling THEM "selfish"? Please OP this is a "you" problem not a "them" problem. Get back on your meds.
+1000. OP the fact that you even have to ask us what’s going on with your own 14 and 16 YO girls is horrifying.
They have parents who can’t keep a marriage together, a father who has dropped out of their lives and a mother who, after only 9 months of dating, is immaturely acting like she’s met Prince Charming and expects them to be excited about your sex life.
You need some serious therapy OP before you and your x cause lasting damage to them.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:29
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
Kids are the priority. End of story. Anyone saying otherwise is an a$$.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:29
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My husband did not start hanging out with my kid until we had agreed were were getting engaged / married. Isn't fair to the kids otherwise.
Did you share custody with you ex? If so, the situation is a little different and much easier in that scenario.
I did, but have a lot of single Mom friends including ones with full custody and we all had the same policies. Truly, it's not justification for involving your kids in your love life.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:28
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
2.5 years isn't really that long. Teen girls don't want some strange man invading their privacy like that. It's weird at that age. Respect their wishes.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:25
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
You really can’t understand that two teens would not enjoy you and your boyfriend playing house? He’s not just in your space, he’s in their space multiple times per week.
I get that it’s hard not having your house to yourself due to no shared custody (widowed here, but same constraints). Why don’t you go to his house one night a week so the girls can have some space to themselves, go out one night a week, and, as a PP suggested, use some PTO for daytime lunches/dates?
It’s not fair to your kids to be integrating boyfriend into your family to this extent.
I get that it’s hard not having your house to yourself due to no shared custody (widowed here, but same constraints). Why don’t you go to his house one night a week so the girls can have some space to themselves, go out one night a week, and, as a PP suggested, use some PTO for daytime lunches/dates?
It’s not fair to your kids to be integrating boyfriend into your family to this extent.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:23
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
Are your boyfriend’s kids out of the house or do they still live with him, at least part time? If they live with him, how often are you at his house when they’re there, doing household chores? How’s your relationship with them?
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:23
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
Make sure he is not actually a creeper.
We have a family friend who got a new boyfriend, and then the girls started acting weird in middle school, and mom blamed her girls for being perverts! As in a 12-year-old, out of the blue, became a sex predator!
We have a family friend who got a new boyfriend, and then the girls started acting weird in middle school, and mom blamed her girls for being perverts! As in a 12-year-old, out of the blue, became a sex predator!
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:19
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
Anonymous wrote:I think he’s doing the right thing stepping back. Your kids don’t have to like your boyfriend. As long as they are polite, I don’t see a problem. Pushing him on them is just going to create resentment.
But they’re not polite, that’s the point of this post.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:16
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
You are so close to having them out of the house most of the time in college. I'd have your BF step back until they graduate. +1 to spending time together when the kids are in school or doing date night. My teens barely want to hang out with me. You can spend time with him on dates/on weekends, etc. Once they are adults, I think it is fine to do what you want.
Anonymous
11/23/2023 09:16
Subject: Kids are being rude to BF
Anonymous wrote:My husband did not start hanging out with my kid until we had agreed were were getting engaged / married. Isn't fair to the kids otherwise.
Did you share custody with you ex? If so, the situation is a little different and much easier in that scenario.