Many people don't take the time to understand their kids' perspective, and it leads to unnecessary conflict and sometimes, years of lasting resentment. I will never forget my mother's hyper-controlling behavior. We will never have the relationship she craves because of how she behaved towards me as a teen and young adult, before I laid down boundaries.

I have a teen daughter. I tailor my response to what her ACTUAL problem is (which is often different from what the STATED problem is). If she picks fights after a late evening practice because she's exhausted and hungry... there is no point in responding. She's just going to escalate and it will turn into a huge thing if I lay down the law. She will remember it years later as coercion and cruelty, and she'll be right.

My daughter is never rude when she's well-rested and fed. She can be short with us when stressed out right before a competition or major performance. She is making progress in that department and is immediately capable of self-reflection and apologies when I point it out. The fatigued&hungry rudeness has yet to improve, however, but I'm sure it will.

The key is to come at this from a place of love, not "I have the power and I will crush you just because I can" perspective, which is what her father defaults to.
My college-aged son, who is very respectful and my teen daughter, who is working towards that goal, have a close bond with me. Not so much with him!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time she asks you to do something for her (e.g., drive her somewhere, buy something for her, etc.) you reply simply and calmly, "I'm sorry but I have better things to do" and just go on with your day. No yelling, no lectures, no silent treatment after that.

I'm not sure what kind of questions you're asking her and when, for example my 16 yo DD isn't much in the mood to talk in the morning on the way to school, and in the afternoon as soon as I pick her up, if I ask the usual how was school today, anything interesting happen, etc. she's not interested in those questions and I'll get "fine" or "boring" and that's it. But that's totally normal for teens. And later on after she's gotten home, had a snack, chilled out a bit, she'll be in a better mood to talk.

This is passive aggressive BS.

Do better.

DP. It may be passive aggressive but I also guarantee it will get the point across better than any of the other suggestions in this thread.

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that some of you think a good way to address immature, rude behavior is to try to top it. You need to read some basic parenting books.

Why? Let me meet the kids of the authors of those parenting books first, at least, before I conclude they have any clue what the hell they’re talking about.

(Anyone remember that cheesy movie “She’s out of control” with Tony Danza? And how infuriated he was when he discovered Wallace Shawn’s character didn’t even have a daughter?)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a kid my mom would smack my face for that kind of comment. I learned really quickly.

I'm not advocating hitting a kid and I never hit mine. But like my mother, I required respect. No passes, I don't care what difficult time you are going through, I never allowed my kids to talk to me crazy. When they tested I immediately addressed the situation. It was a hill I was willing to die on.

OP, she's too old for this. Correct her every single time, no matter what hard time she's going through, do not give her a pass to disrespect you.

Same. We push respect in all interactions… in our family, with others, with animals, etc.

The first time I would explain how the comment came across and say “you may not understand how your words were perceived…” and the second time there would be a consequence.

+1 I have two teen DDs, ages 15 and 17. We didn’t tolerate this type of disrespect. I like how PP kept the focus on the word choice and avoided labeling the teen. I do think it matters — your teen herself isn’t rude. She just made a rude comment.

“We don’t talk to each other like that in this family” was something I found myself saying at times. It was a helpful reminder to myself, too, that reminding your teen that rude comments aren’t acceptable doesn’t justify being mean, rude, or disrespectful yourself. Some of the suggested responses here strike me as just mean.

I also wholeheartedly agree that there are consequences if this type of comment is repeated.

Anonymous wrote:Explain to them, when you are rude and disrespectful, it’s difficult for me to do nice things for you (rides, buy favorite snacks, fund an outing, prepare/buy food for a friend get together). Sometimes you need to spell it out for kids.

This.

I just explained to my kids I’m a human and I have feeling. They aren’t sociopaths so while they don’t immediately and joyfully hang out with me they try to be nice.

We work to find common things we like. I’m NEVER asking my kids to run errands, but they may go for a hike/walk or go hit golf balls or watch a movie.

Anonymous wrote:The next time she asks you to do something for her (e.g., drive her somewhere, buy something for her, etc.) you reply simply and calmly, "I'm sorry but I have better things to do" and just go on with your day. No yelling, no lectures, no silent treatment after that.

I'm not sure what kind of questions you're asking her and when, for example my 16 yo DD isn't much in the mood to talk in the morning on the way to school, and in the afternoon as soon as I pick her up, if I ask the usual how was school today, anything interesting happen, etc. she's not interested in those questions and I'll get "fine" or "boring" and that's it. But that's totally normal for teens. And later on after she's gotten home, had a snack, chilled out a bit, she'll be in a better mood to talk.

This is passive aggressive BS.

Do better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my teen said that to me, after I invited them to the store with me, I'd say "Go to your room and don't come out until you can speak nicely." And then after five minutes I'd go in and take her temp, make a big production of checking if she's sick, etc. and say "You MUST be sick to think speaking that way. There's really no other explanation. No sane person would respond to an invitation so rudely. Do you think you need to go straight to the ER or would Urgent Care do?"

That's for the first time. If it happened again I'd say "You seem to have lost your mind to think talking to people that way is acceptable. Go to your room and try to find it. You obviously aren't fit for public consumption right now so you can stay in your room until your attitude changes."

Follow this advice if you do not want a relationship.

I have a great relationship with my kids, and teasing them out of bad moods while also making it clear rude or obnoxious while in one is unacceptable has worked well for us since the obnoxious moments have been few and far between.

Explain to them, when you are rude and disrespectful, it’s difficult for me to do nice things for you (rides, buy favorite snacks, fund an outing, prepare/buy food for a friend get together). Sometimes you need to spell it out for kids.

I am surprised that some of you think a good way to address immature, rude behavior is to try to top it. You need to read some basic parenting books.

Anonymous wrote:If my teen said that to me, after I invited them to the store with me, I'd say "Go to your room and don't come out until you can speak nicely." And then after five minutes I'd go in and take her temp, make a big production of checking if she's sick, etc. and say "You MUST be sick to think speaking that way. There's really no other explanation. No sane person would respond to an invitation so rudely. Do you think you need to go straight to the ER or would Urgent Care do?"

That's for the first time. If it happened again I'd say "You seem to have lost your mind to think talking to people that way is acceptable. Go to your room and try to find it. You obviously aren't fit for public consumption right now so you can stay in your room until your attitude changes."

This is super lame and cringy. Don’t do this, OP.

I would've squashed it right there. That's no way to talk to your mother.

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow to the previous person who said her smart comment wasn’t rude. It would not fly in my house. I would have snatched her phone and told her “don’t you have anything better to do?” Sorry, but I would never let disrespect slide because of what she is going through. She isn’t going through enough BS in her short life to be rude to the hand that cares for her.

What kind of parent addresses rude, immature behavior by behaving in a rude and immature way? “Snatching”? Wow, PP. Do better.

Anonymous wrote:If my teen said that to me, after I invited them to the store with me, I'd say "Go to your room and don't come out until you can speak nicely." And then after five minutes I'd go in and take her temp, make a big production of checking if she's sick, etc. and say "You MUST be sick to think speaking that way. There's really no other explanation. No sane person would respond to an invitation so rudely. Do you think you need to go straight to the ER or would Urgent Care do?"

That's for the first time. If it happened again I'd say "You seem to have lost your mind to think talking to people that way is acceptable. Go to your room and try to find it. You obviously aren't fit for public consumption right now so you can stay in your room until your attitude changes."

Follow this advice if you do not want a relationship.

Anonymous wrote:DD (15) has become increasingly rude to us this past year. She had a difficult year and so we let a lot of things slide, but she has crossed the line and I’m taking action.

Her rudeness comes in the form of being silent. Not answering simple questions when asked, not being at all sociable, and acting like everything we say is totally stupid. Today I suggested we go to the store together and she responded “ don’t you have anything better to do”.

My question is how should I handle this? I’m tempted to take her phone away until she acts more sociable and polite. But maybe that’s not the best way to handle, especially with it being school break. Her phone is her only connection to friends this week. I’ve been ignoring her all day, which I realize is immature of me. I’m just so angry.

Have you had a conversation about why she is angry? You should do this first before punishing

Anonymous wrote:The next time she asks you to do something for her (e.g., drive her somewhere, buy something for her, etc.) you reply simply and calmly, "I'm sorry but I have better things to do" and just go on with your day. No yelling, no lectures, no silent treatment after that.

I'm not sure what kind of questions you're asking her and when, for example my 16 yo DD isn't much in the mood to talk in the morning on the way to school, and in the afternoon as soon as I pick her up, if I ask the usual how was school today, anything interesting happen, etc. she's not interested in those questions and I'll get "fine" or "boring" and that's it. But that's totally normal for teens. And later on after she's gotten home, had a snack, chilled out a bit, she'll be in a better mood to talk.

This, but I would address the comment in the moment too. Something like, “Wow, that was very rude and unnecessary. I don’t appreciate that.”

When my kids are being particularly rude or ungrateful, I give them the speech (same one my parents gave me) that much of their life is optional. I am required to give them basic food, minimal clothing, shelter, and school. Anything else, I am CHOOSING to provide for them because I love them very much, but still it’s optional. And if they want their life to keep going the way it is, they need to shape up. This usually does the trick for a good long while. When I need to give them quick reminders of this I use “hey, more gratitude, less attitude please.” and they know what I mean.

I agree it’s “normal” but that doesn’t mean it should be ignored.