Anonymous wrote:Wedding isn't bride's family's responsibility. It is bride and groom's responsibility. Both families can gift whatever they can and rest is on the couple. If they've a lot and want a fancy wedding, sky is the limit. If they have limited budget or don't want extravagance or debt, they can have a simple and small wedding.

Their happy merger is what is really important , not wedding events or oomph. Wedding is just a social announcement that these people are married now. With today's technology, they can have a small ceremony and then just announce it tgrough social media.

If the parents don’t contribute to the cost of the wedding and reception, they also don’t get a say on anything else, including the guestlist.

I have two sons. Our plans are to give a set amount and that’s it. Parents paying for weddings made sense a long time ago, when the couple were basically two little kids.

The wedding industry makes me glad I only have boys. I don’t have to do any of the performative stuff the bride’s mother is expected to do.

Anonymous wrote:Holding old grudges is natural but unhealthy, try to move on. What was a norm 20 years ago in a different country and culture, isn't valid for today. Its their money, you have no right over that.

I don't disagree with you. But my in laws made a choice, and choices have consequences

Anonymous wrote:It’s probably not a wedding, it’s probably a weekend with multiple expensive functions. We’ve had sons marry, and have an unmarried daughter. In the sons’ cases, we paid pretty equally with the brides’ families, but it involved zero contribution to the reception — just totally paying for other expensive shindigs over three days.

In the case of my daughter, we would pay for her wedding and reception, but not contribute to the other stuff. But it might involve less money, to keep the tone of the different parties in the same ballpark.

What does that mean? Does you daughter know that she will get less of a wedding and reception if she marries down?

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, OP - Did your in-laws provide more financial help for your DH before your marriage than they did for SIL? Like a car, expensive education, help with rent, etc.?
Maybe paying for SIL’s wedding but not paying for yours&DH’s was a way to even things between the siblings, so to speak.

Good question, but no, my husband did not receive any financial aid from his parents after high school, he still has student loan to pay! The inlaws did not help him more financially than they did for their daughter, that I am 100% sure about. It bothered me, even though it's been years. The daughter got all her wedding expenses paid for by my in laws. They were even very proud of her for not using a vendor that would charge 10k-20k for invitations, I vividly remember my MIL brag to me about how her daughter is so fiscally responsible "xxx is doing the invitations herself, it only cost 3k vs. 20k."

Holding old grudges is natural but unhealthy, try to move on. What was a norm 20 years ago in a different country and culture, isn't valid for today. Its their money, you have no right over that.

It’s probably not a wedding, it’s probably a weekend with multiple expensive functions. We’ve had sons marry, and have an unmarried daughter. In the sons’ cases, we paid pretty equally with the brides’ families, but it involved zero contribution to the reception — just totally paying for other expensive shindigs over three days.

In the case of my daughter, we would pay for her wedding and reception, but not contribute to the other stuff. But it might involve less money, to keep the tone of the different parties in the same ballpark.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.

LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.

My ILs also did this. Some parents take a traditional view that they are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner for their sons and the wedding of their daughters. If their son’s fiancee’s parents can’t afford to pay, they are unhappy to be asked to contribute and to have their son marry into a poor or dysfunctional family that did not put aside funds for this expected expense.

Wedding isn't bride's family's responsibility. It is bride and groom's responsibility. Both families can gift whatever they can and rest is on the couple. If they've a lot and want a fancy wedding, sky is the limit. If they have limited budget or don't want extravagance or debt, they can have a simple and small wedding.

Their happy merger is what is really important , not wedding events or oomph. Wedding is just a social announcement that these people are married now. With today's technology, they can have a small ceremony and then just announce it tgrough social media.

Just curious, OP - Did your in-laws provide more financial help for your DH before your marriage than they did for SIL? Like a car, expensive education, help with rent, etc.?
Maybe paying for SIL’s wedding but not paying for yours&DH’s was a way to even things between the siblings, so to speak.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I would only pay as much for one kid as I could reasonably afford to spend for all of my kids, gender doesn't figure in to the calculation for me.

+1 My parents gave me and my siblings all the same amount and told us we could use it toward a wedding, honeymoon, or a house, whatever we preferred.

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

I would do the same for all of my kids, regardless of their gender. No matter, its college expenses, wedding, help with housing or what not.

What do you mean by " your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially". You are doing it for your son, just like you did it for your daughter. It has nothing to do it with who they are marrying. Do what you can for each kid, don't pick and choose. This is 2023, not 1913.

I would treat all my kids the same. And I would not contribute more than about $25,000 to a wedding regardless-- if they want bigger than that, they can figure out another way to pay for it.

As the DIL in this situation, I think you need to be very careful and sensitive. It could be that their financial situation changed over time. And I would certainly never, ever, ever bring it up with my in-laws or any member of the family, ever. That way lies trouble.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the 21st century, Captain America.

Yes, we no longer consider our daughters chattel and we no longer dower our daughters to another family.

Maybe read the thread b4 dishing out the snark.

OP here, actually I love PP's comment, I want to forward it to my inlaws LOL

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.

LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.

You should feel grateful that you and your husband are now entitled to defer to your SIL to handle your in-laws elder care needs since that’s how a traditional family would operate.

I like your thinking! OP. I highly doubt that my inlaws think that way. Everyone who replied thinks parents should contribute equal amount to their kids' weddings. I don't know why my in laws refused to. They have been pretty nice to me over the years but the wedding thing still hurts me deeply t be honestly. I've always wanted a wedding and I will never have one. Looking back we should've just paid with a credit card.

Renew your vows for your 25th and have a huge celebration that you made it.