Anonymous wrote:She needs therapy. Dad remarrying note even a year after mom dies invalidates her whole sense of family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.

This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.

The space she should have given is not marry and move in with her dad within 9 months - which means that they were dating a few weeks? after her mom died. She did "stay back" during her graduation - she wasn't invited and wasn't entitled to be there.

As for you "dealing with this for years" - you can disengage from being the middle man. Stop being the go between and tell your BIL that you will no longer play that role. Continue to love your niece and support her decisions because it doesn't seem like she has a lot of that in her "family".

This. Moving into someone's house is not giving them space! Come on.

Stepmom is a terrible person and a terrible parent, and the teen years with her own kids are going to be hellish. I think your niece is right to distance herself.

Anonymous wrote:

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

How is what the adults have done, "healthy?"

OP, what is your relationship to the father?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.

This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.

You are using words that affirm the wife's point of view. No, she shouldn't have a breaking point. What's she breaking about? Having a heart? Is that such a burden for her? Ridiculous. She's not the one who lost her mother during a pandemic then had a new family suddenly take her surviving parent's attention. What these adults did to your niece is awful, and it would be a relief to hear you write this down on this thread, because right now you don't seem like you fully understand the trauma she's been through.

The wife's mindset should be: however long it takes, my step-daughter is welcome in her father's house. If she wishes, I will treat her like my own child. If she pushes me away and wants time with her father without me and my kids, I will facilitate that. My goal is to help her get over her grief.

You have to tell your BIL and wife that they are out of line trying to put a timeline to grief. It doesn't work like that. They are the mature ones. They are supposed to be accommodating her, not the other way around.

Anonymous wrote:This situation sounds a lot like what happened to my older family member. In her case, the stepmother was very unwelcoming and domineering from the start, and she felt unwelcome in her old family home. It really damaged her relationship with her father...until he eventually got divorced from the stepmother for unrelated reasons. (I guess the new wife's behavior toward his kids wasn't enough of a red flag?) So from my experience, the relationship with the father can be mended, a bit, but only if and when he makes more of an effort to repair it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that your BIL is an idiot who has married an idiot. Bringing in a new wife and kids after 9 months is an inappropriate parenting move and will damage his relationship with his daughter for the long term. I do not think anything can be fixed in the short term, and if your BIL is willing to let his wife draw this line (whatever his wife actually means), then he's a terrible father and a terrible person.

I would invite your niece, be as loving to her as you possibly can, and hope that things improve with time. Lots of time.

She is always welcome at our house, we all love her.

I am tired being caught in the middle. I feel bad for everyone. I don't mind having my niece spend the holidays with us, we get along really well, my kids adore her. At the same time, I feel like she can't hold a grudge against her dad and stepmom forever, it's not healthy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.

This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.

This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.

The space she should have given is not marry and move in with her dad within 9 months - which means that they were dating a few weeks? after her mom died. She did "stay back" during her graduation - she wasn't invited and wasn't entitled to be there.

As for you "dealing with this for years" - you can disengage from being the middle man. Stop being the go between and tell your BIL that you will no longer play that role. Continue to love your niece and support her decisions because it doesn't seem like she has a lot of that in her "family".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that your BIL is an idiot who has married an idiot. Bringing in a new wife and kids after 9 months is an inappropriate parenting move and will damage his relationship with his daughter for the long term. I do not think anything can be fixed in the short term, and if your BIL is willing to let his wife draw this line (whatever his wife actually means), then he's a terrible father and a terrible person.

I would invite your niece, be as loving to her as you possibly can, and hope that things improve with time. Lots of time.

She is always welcome at our house, we all love her.

Anonymous wrote:Her dad and stepmom sound horrible. This kid may never, ever have a relationship with them. This is her decision to make.

Assuming this kid is in college, I would strongly encourage her to utilize campus mental health resources to get some help. Not because she is “wrong,” but because we all can use a third party sounding board to talk through complicated family issues and boundaries. And I would gently remind her that you are not an unbiased resource. She need someone unbiased and not just you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This sounds like a made-up story, but the BIL and new wife sound awful.

These two adults should never have gotten married 9 months after the death of this teen's mother. Adolescence is a difficult time in itself, let alone if you lose a parent, and let alone if your parent remarried shortly after. The wife should understand that this is not something a young person can just bounce back from. The BIL owes his daughter a huge apology. Your niece needs therapy and a safe place free from people who will seek to set her up with her father and stepmother.

If you are not a troll, please support your niece. She will take years, YEARS, to come back from this.

This is a true story, I am not a troll. I've been dealing with this for several years now. My niece was in therapy, it helped to some degree. Until the remarriage, they had a good relationship. I cannot entirely blame the stepmom. She really did try to give her space. She encouraged BIL to spend more time with the girl. She stayed back when my niece said "I don't want you at my graduation". But I guess she reached her breaking point.