The issue will be when the kids get older- Once the youngest is in elementary school and all the kids have different activities in the afternoons and on weekends it gets more complicated. I stay at home, and we had to hire an afternoon driver/nanny to help me juggle all the afternoon things while DH works. One day a week he stops work early to help and the nanny is off that day. Ages 5-16, when kids have lots of activities and stay up later at night, and before they have can drive themselves and be more independent, that is when it is difficult. And all the appointments!

OP, you say the deal with your DH is you staying at home with the kids and doing laundry, cooking and childcare with DH doing chores and outsourcing heavy cleaning. Or you working full-time at home with a nanny. Which is it?

Anonymous wrote:If he is not stepping up now, he will slack off on the promises later.

Why does he want a third so much? Does he want a specific gender?

This. Is he a hands on parent now? Does he take his share of the mental/emotional load? Does he shop for the family? Does he schedule and take kids to the doctor for well visits? Does he know if they've had their flu shots for this year yet?

I'm not sure this post is 100% legit. The negotiations just sound so cold. I vote for sticking with two in this case.

I have to three and work, albeit part time. We have a nanny. I never would have had a third if my husband wasn't a full 50% partner, including mentally and emotionally. Especially if you're on the fence. Kids aren't returnable.

If he wants a boy, tell him you will not have a third until he wants a baby.

Honestly if you have reservations I would not have a third.

If he is not stepping up now, he will slack off on the promises later.

Why does he want a third so much? Does he want a specific gender?

Anonymous wrote:I would never have kids with a man who refers to parenting as "babysitting." And if he doesn't clean or cook now, he's not going to do it well or consistently after you crank out a third baby.

Ding ding ding

I think anyone who says their husband will "babysit" the kids has a VERY uneven expectation of the division of labor.

We have three kids. Three is A LOT more than two. Like, so much more. It wasn't that bad when the third was a baby, but once he got old enough to have his own activities and birthday parties and playdates and school events... yikes.

Even your DH handling all the chores "outside childcare" leaves you with A LOT, assuming that leaves you with buying all the kids new clothes each season, managing teachers and activities and friends and doctors appointments etc.

So I actually think perhaps your DH might fulfill his end of the bargain, but you should not fool yourself - it's STILL a lot!

That said I'm so glad we had three kids, and probably you should do it, just know what you're getting into.

What are your husband's working hours?
If you quit, do you plan to return to the workforce at any point? If the answer is no, I would recommend consulting a lawyer to draft a post nup. Leaving the workforce makes you vulnerable.

Is your husband signing a contract with all his promises?

My kids really want a dog and have promised they will walk it three times a day, feed it, wash it, and pick up all poop.
This is like that. Empty promises.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH does more cleaning than me. Some cooking too, and a lot of grocery shopping. I call it babysitting in a tongue-in-cheek manner when either of us has both (or all) of the kids alone. We usually each take one kid or both handle both kids together.

I can't handle 3 kids with a nanny because the nanny will only be there while I'm working. And with 3 kids, someone is likely to wake up in the middle of the night or too early in the morning. I'd be too exhausted to concentrate on work with the interrupted sleep. There would also be more appointments for the household, which mostly falls onto me to organize.

If you're this nervous about your capacity to handle three kids - even with the level of support your DH is proposing - I recommend sticking with two. I also wouldn't be willing to give up my career for an additional kid, but that's me. My three are 12, 10, and 7.5; the challenges with three change over time, but at no point did I doubt my and DH's capacity to handle things. It's perfectly fine to stop while you have plenty of bandwidth.

You don’t babysit your own kids OP. It’s called parenting.
Do it, or don’t, but don’t do it based on “ concessions”