I don't know why someone resurrected this thread from three weeks ago in which the OP never came back but that fact alone leads me to believe it was written by a

OP, what professional position do you think he is qualified for? No company has a job description of generic office worker

OP how old is he?

I have BTDT with my dad in my house for several years. In his case, it wasn’t that he couldn’t afford to live on his own, but that he balked at rents around here (understandable) and since my mom divorced him, he was not used to living on his own. It eventually got sorted out when he moved back to our home city, found a decent job (though not at the levels he made during his “prime” years) and a nice woman he is now engaged to.

OP it sounds like something in your situation has to change, but honestly if it is your dad and he is over 55, don’t expect a transformation. Be realistic. You may need to prepare yourself for having to support him in some way. If it’s just too much for you having him in your house whether he is paying rent or not, you need to own that and talk about options.

Do you need him to pay you rent? Is he retirement age? Honestly, as someone who lost their father before I was fully launched, it is sad to read the gripes in this post. I would love it if I had a freeloading dad/grandad in the house! Do you have kids? Does he do grandfather things with them?

Is this your dad or your kid? Not being snarky, genuinely asking if you changed the scenario to get a certain kind of feedback.

Don't antagonize him, OP. He can pull the "you must formally evict me" card and you'll be stuck with him for a bit and have to pay to go through the formal eviction process. He'll then have an eviction on his record and it will be much harder for him to find a place to live.

A friend went through this with her mother after covid. It was a similar situation where her mom moved in because she lost her restaurant job. She eventually got work as a contact tracer (or whatever they were called - the person who connected covid cases) and was saving to move out again when the position was eliminated. By then, restaurants had reopened and that was her comfort job, so she went back to serving. Her car died and instead of using public transportation for a bit and looking for a good used car, she jumped at the first one in her price range. It was a dud and left her pretty much broke. She and my friend started fighting all the time and my friend told her mom it was time to have a hard 45-day move-out plan. Her mom came back that if she wanted her out, she'd have to evict her. My friend found out that yes, since her mom had been paying some rent, she had to go through the formal eviction process. It took ages, too. My friend and her mom are now no contact and the last she heard from her sibling, her mom was couch surfing.

“dad, spouse and I were happy to help you out during the pandemic. But now that unusual situation is over. We want to go back to having our own place and privacy in our marriage. So you will need to move out by X day.”

Dad protests that he wants to get another job blah blah blah whatever excuse

“I understand. Nonetheless, spouse and I need our own space. We need you to move out by x day”

You don’t love me!

“Dad, I love you very much. I will still continue to help you out, like I did before you moved in. It’s been great having this time with you here. But now it is time for my spouse and I to have our own space and for this temporary situation to come to an end.”

Etc. etc. just keep non-emotionally repeating the same things. There doesn’t need to be any justification other than you want him to leave.

Don’t help him with his apartment/home search. Decide what you will do if it is X day and he is still there. You should figure out what legal rights, if any, he has as a tenant.

<<<<Whenever these arguments come up, he always comes back with the fact that he isn't the only person in this situation and he is trying his best but wont just take a job to get out of our house>>>>

Tell him he has to take a job just to get out of your house. Tell him that is the exactly the thing he has to do. We are no longer in a once in a generation emergency situation!

You must force the issue. He will not magically find a job he loves and move out. He is finding problems with jobs so that he can stay in a situation that is very comfortable for him.

Give him a reasonable deadline and also look into the legal issues here. You are going to need to be very forceful and he is going to resist and resist and resist and it will be painful but once he is out you will feel such relief.

Anonymous wrote:Money aside, do you like having him around? Is he helpful around the house? Is he nice?
You said you were financially comfortable - why would you even accept rent from him? My understanding is that he pays his own way except rent.
I am a foreigner so maybe I just don’t understand the American way of treating family like strangers even when they are nice people. I would understand you not wanting to have him there if the house was too small or if he was unpleasant but it doesn’t seem to be the case?

Your concept of supporting elderly family members financially isn’t really applicable in Western societies where people pay high taxes and SS contributions, save in 401Ks etc, in order to plan for expenses when they are older. Please stop the guilt tripping from your foreign perspective.

Anonymous wrote:You are way too involved in his job search and life plans. You are talking about him as if he is your child, not your parent. If you don’t want him to live with you anymore, tell him that he needs to move out. He can get an apartment or whatever he can afford based on his current job, or get a better job if he wants a better place.

Or if you are happy with him living with you, just drop it about the job! Who cares about what job he has?

It would be rare for someone his age to suddenly flex and move into management from hospitality. Your tone does sound more appropriate for a new college grad who is coasting. He is at least middle aged, and probably had no idea how much he would like living with loving family members again.

You are acting like this is about career coaching or finances. It is so much deeper than that. How close (geographically) do you want your only father to be? His many more years do you think he will have in this planet?

I suggest you and he do some soul searching, to tease out your values and priorities. Then go to family counseling to discuss what you both seek from your relationship.