Anonymous
11/13/2023 13:17
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you have this in your life.
Why are you still in contact with her? If she brings nothing positive into your life, cut her off.
This is my question. I don’t understand why you would keep her in your life? Seems like you truly had boundaries then you wouldn’t have stayed on the line after telling her you heard her?
My dad is long dead and my only living relative under 60 lives even further away than me. I feel guilt and shame as well as an obligation to maintain a minimum amount of contact because I am stuck with power of attorney and some other legal stuff for my mother. I’ll be the one the social worker calls one day.
I know the drumbeat on this board is in favor of cutting people off completely, but it’s much more difficult in reality than angry blogs and self-help books would suggest.
Agree. It's not the solution people make it out to be. I hold my awful mom at arms length but the truth is that if I cut her off completely, I'd still feel a deep sadness and hurt every day of my life. I'd still have every cruel memory living in my head.
I find it easier to maintain contact but strong boundaries, go to therapy, and simply accept that my mother will never be the mother I want or need. Whether I cut her off or not, I will never have a loving, kind mother. This is simply the fact of it. I can't escape that by pretending she doesn't exist.
There was nothing "easy" about deciding to go no-contact with my narcissist, alcoholic, emotionally abusive dad. It took a lot of therapy and mourning. I haven't seen him since 1999 and I haven't talked to him since 2001. It's been wonderfully freeing. He never respected boundaries no matter what I tried, and he refused to disengage from the emotional abuse no matter what. I decided he had no right to keep abusing me, and he certainly had no right to have access to my children, so he's never met any of the three of them.
I still sometimes feel sadness and hurt that my dad prioritized his alcoholism and his narcissism over me and my sisters, but cutting him off was the best decision I ever made. It enabled me to get away from the ongoing hurts and reach acceptance of our relationship as something in the past and behind me, not in the present and an ongoing part of my life. If I'd kept him in my life, I would have been complicit in my own abuse. When he dies, I'm sure a lot of it will be stirred up again, but I lost my dad -- or, more accurately, he lost me by his own choices -- a long, long time ago.
Anonymous
11/13/2023 12:03
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My mother is a stunted bitter materialistic woman. What was enlightening to me was hearing that other people recognized it in her as well, and viewed it negatively in her. It reflects poorly on her, not you.
Thanks. OP here. I appreciate knowing I’m not alone or crazy. My mother has alienated most people in her life and has only casual acquaintances at this point. However, she has a way of always making distance/growing apart about the other person, and not her. People pull away in a way that’s deliberate but do so quietly. It would have made all the difference in the world if just once an aunt or older cousin or neighbor had said to me “you know what? Your mom is not a nice person!”. Instead, the people who still have overlapping relationships with me and my mother walk on eggshells about the entire thing.
I got a text from the relative who was on the FT call. It sounds like my mom spent the visit badmouthing other, long-dead relatives and making it a bonding thing. That’s the hardest part. She takes history and twists and recasts it to fit her narrative. People somehow buy into it and it becomes reality. Part of why I don’t totally go no contact is so I can pretend I have some kind of control of the false narrative my mother is distributing out into the world.
OP, not the person you are responding to, but I have posted on here. I relate to just about every word you wrote here. Thanks for helping me feel less alone. I'm glad the relative texted you to basically let you know your mom was a gossipy jerk the whole time. Sounds like she cared about you and wanted you to know your mom doesn't seem to like anyone.
Unfortunately that wasn’t the tone of the relative’s text. It was more like “we had fun and your mom shared all the old dirt with me!”. I was disappointed that the relative didn’t see right through it. I think they were visiting because my mom had some old family stuff that this relative really wanted and went along with my mom’s drama in order to secure the stuff.
Well then that tell you a lot about the relative.The people who have not distanced themselves from my mother are drama llamas themselves mostly or people desperate for approval who don't understand the cycle of abuse. The drama llamas have their own tense relationships so they like bonding through gossip. The one person who looks to my mom for approval had a loving mother who passed away. My mom showers her with compliments, but behind her back thinks she is a loser. Now and then my mom will say something nasty to her, but I think when you come from stability, you experience such cognitive dissonance when someone acts like a jerk that you assume it was an aberration.
Anonymous
11/13/2023 10:48
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you have this in your life.
Why are you still in contact with her? If she brings nothing positive into your life, cut her off.
This is my question. I don’t understand why you would keep her in your life? Seems like you truly had boundaries then you wouldn’t have stayed on the line after telling her you heard her?
My dad is long dead and my only living relative under 60 lives even further away than me. I feel guilt and shame as well as an obligation to maintain a minimum amount of contact because I am stuck with power of attorney and some other legal stuff for my mother. I’ll be the one the social worker calls one day.
I know the drumbeat on this board is in favor of cutting people off completely, but it’s much more difficult in reality than angry blogs and self-help books would suggest.
Agree. It's not the solution people make it out to be. I hold my awful mom at arms length but the truth is that if I cut her off completely, I'd still feel a deep sadness and hurt every day of my life. I'd still have every cruel memory living in my head.
I find it easier to maintain contact but strong boundaries, go to therapy, and simply accept that my mother will never be the mother I want or need. Whether I cut her off or not, I will never have a loving, kind mother. This is simply the fact of it. I can't escape that by pretending she doesn't exist.
I’m not sure what strong boundaries means in this context. By continuing contact, OP is getting her mom the chance to add cruel hurtful memories when there is absolutely no chance for repair.
Anonymous
11/13/2023 09:54
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My mother is a stunted bitter materialistic woman. What was enlightening to me was hearing that other people recognized it in her as well, and viewed it negatively in her. It reflects poorly on her, not you.
Thanks. OP here. I appreciate knowing I’m not alone or crazy. My mother has alienated most people in her life and has only casual acquaintances at this point. However, she has a way of always making distance/growing apart about the other person, and not her. People pull away in a way that’s deliberate but do so quietly. It would have made all the difference in the world if just once an aunt or older cousin or neighbor had said to me “you know what? Your mom is not a nice person!”. Instead, the people who still have overlapping relationships with me and my mother walk on eggshells about the entire thing.
I got a text from the relative who was on the FT call. It sounds like my mom spent the visit badmouthing other, long-dead relatives and making it a bonding thing. That’s the hardest part. She takes history and twists and recasts it to fit her narrative. People somehow buy into it and it becomes reality. Part of why I don’t totally go no contact is so I can pretend I have some kind of control of the false narrative my mother is distributing out into the world.
OP, not the person you are responding to, but I have posted on here. I relate to just about every word you wrote here. Thanks for helping me feel less alone. I'm glad the relative texted you to basically let you know your mom was a gossipy jerk the whole time. Sounds like she cared about you and wanted you to know your mom doesn't seem to like anyone.
Unfortunately that wasn’t the tone of the relative’s text. It was more like “we had fun and your mom shared all the old dirt with me!”. I was disappointed that the relative didn’t see right through it. I think they were visiting because my mom had some old family stuff that this relative really wanted and went along with my mom’s drama in order to secure the stuff.
Anonymous
11/12/2023 23:19
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My mother is a stunted bitter materialistic woman. What was enlightening to me was hearing that other people recognized it in her as well, and viewed it negatively in her. It reflects poorly on her, not you.
Thanks. OP here. I appreciate knowing I’m not alone or crazy. My mother has alienated most people in her life and has only casual acquaintances at this point. However, she has a way of always making distance/growing apart about the other person, and not her. People pull away in a way that’s deliberate but do so quietly. It would have made all the difference in the world if just once an aunt or older cousin or neighbor had said to me “you know what? Your mom is not a nice person!”. Instead, the people who still have overlapping relationships with me and my mother walk on eggshells about the entire thing.
I got a text from the relative who was on the FT call. It sounds like my mom spent the visit badmouthing other, long-dead relatives and making it a bonding thing. That’s the hardest part. She takes history and twists and recasts it to fit her narrative. People somehow buy into it and it becomes reality. Part of why I don’t totally go no contact is so I can pretend I have some kind of control of the false narrative my mother is distributing out into the world.
OP, not the person you are responding to, but I have posted on here. I relate to just about every word you wrote here. Thanks for helping me feel less alone. I'm glad the relative texted you to basically let you know your mom was a gossipy jerk the whole time. Sounds like she cared about you and wanted you to know your mom doesn't seem to like anyone.
Anonymous
11/12/2023 22:22
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My mother is a stunted bitter materialistic woman. What was enlightening to me was hearing that other people recognized it in her as well, and viewed it negatively in her. It reflects poorly on her, not you.
Thanks. OP here. I appreciate knowing I’m not alone or crazy. My mother has alienated most people in her life and has only casual acquaintances at this point. However, she has a way of always making distance/growing apart about the other person, and not her. People pull away in a way that’s deliberate but do so quietly. It would have made all the difference in the world if just once an aunt or older cousin or neighbor had said to me “you know what? Your mom is not a nice person!”. Instead, the people who still have overlapping relationships with me and my mother walk on eggshells about the entire thing.
I got a text from the relative who was on the FT call. It sounds like my mom spent the visit badmouthing other, long-dead relatives and making it a bonding thing. That’s the hardest part. She takes history and twists and recasts it to fit her narrative. People somehow buy into it and it becomes reality. Part of why I don’t totally go no contact is so I can pretend I have some kind of control of the false narrative my mother is distributing out into the world.
Anonymous
11/12/2023 15:02
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
I'm sorry OP. My mother is a stunted bitter materialistic woman. What was enlightening to me was hearing that other people recognized it in her as well, and viewed it negatively in her. It reflects poorly on her, not you.
Anonymous
11/11/2023 22:48
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
I went no contact with my mom and it’s worked for me. Helps that I live in a different continent and don’t answer any of her calls. She has my address and writes but I just ignore her. Cutting someone off helps you to get out of the fear, obligation, and guilt. You’re not responsible for this person just because they birthed or cared for you when you were young.
Anonymous
11/11/2023 22:01
Subject: Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:My mother has been cruel to me since I was in elementary school and critical about my appearance, behavior, etc.
I have extremely firm boundaries around my interactions with her, but agreed to a very brief FaceTime session because she was hosting a relative who I rarely see. While the call was connecting, my mom “didn’t realize” I could hear them yet and listed everything bad about my appearance to this relative by saying things like “it’s really obvious, but don’t say anything about how bad her hair or her face looks now” and went on from there before it was obvious that we were connected.
My hair and face are normal and look like that of a 40-something woman who is happy to live 2000 healthy miles away from her mother. My mom giggled in a tee-hee, aren’t we chummy way to the visiting relative. I said to my mom and the relative that I could hear them and my mom acted like a mean tween getting caught by an adult.
I’m seething with how my mom can still make me feel like an unwanted child and how she manipulates relatives into going along with her behavior. It’s insane to me that I’ve grown up and my mom is still the same unevolved parent she was 30 years ago.
I’m a mom. I don’t understand how a mom could ever be amused by being unkind to their own child. What did I do wrong to be treated like this?
Failed to go no contact.
I had a horrible mother too. One of the best things I ever did for myself was say "no more." I went no contact and was forever better off. Finally able to exhale. She kept at it -- called my DH (who was my boyfriend at the time) crying, called my boss at work acting all crazy and hysterical (that was humiliating). So you can't expect they'll disappear right away, or go away easily. You need to stand firm.
Anonymous
11/11/2023 21:52
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you have this in your life.
Why are you still in contact with her? If she brings nothing positive into your life, cut her off.
This is my question. I don’t understand why you would keep her in your life? Seems like you truly had boundaries then you wouldn’t have stayed on the line after telling her you heard her?
My dad is long dead and my only living relative under 60 lives even further away than me. I feel guilt and shame as well as an obligation to maintain a minimum amount of contact because I am stuck with power of attorney and some other legal stuff for my mother. I’ll be the one the social worker calls one day.
I know the drumbeat on this board is in favor of cutting people off completely, but it’s much more difficult in reality than angry blogs and self-help books would suggest.
Agree. It's not the solution people make it out to be. I hold my awful mom at arms length but the truth is that if I cut her off completely, I'd still feel a deep sadness and hurt every day of my life. I'd still have every cruel memory living in my head.
I find it easier to maintain contact but strong boundaries, go to therapy, and simply accept that my mother will never be the mother I want or need. Whether I cut her off or not, I will never have a loving, kind mother. This is simply the fact of it. I can't escape that by pretending she doesn't exist.
Anonymous
11/11/2023 21:46
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Hugs, OP. Wishing you emotional strength.
Anonymous
11/11/2023 21:45
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you have this in your life.
Why are you still in contact with her? If she brings nothing positive into your life, cut her off.
This is my question. I don’t understand why you would keep her in your life? Seems like you truly had boundaries then you wouldn’t have stayed on the line after telling her you heard her?
My dad is long dead and my only living relative under 60 lives even further away than me. I feel guilt and shame as well as an obligation to maintain a minimum amount of contact because I am stuck with power of attorney and some other legal stuff for my mother. I’ll be the one the social worker calls one day.
I know the drumbeat on this board is in favor of cutting people off completely, but it’s much more difficult in reality than angry blogs and self-help books would suggest.
I hope that you are working through these issues with a professional. It’s your language about the guilt and shame that makes so sad for you. You don’t deserve the way your mom has treated you.
Anonymous
11/11/2023 21:44
Subject: Re:Vent about my cruel immature mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you have this in your life.
Why are you still in contact with her? If she brings nothing positive into your life, cut her off.
This is my question. I don’t understand why you would keep her in your life? Seems like you truly had boundaries then you wouldn’t have stayed on the line after telling her you heard her?
My dad is long dead and my only living relative under 60 lives even further away than me. I feel guilt and shame as well as an obligation to maintain a minimum amount of contact because I am stuck with power of attorney and some other legal stuff for my mother. I’ll be the one the social worker calls one day.
I know the drumbeat on this board is in favor of cutting people off completely, but it’s much more difficult in reality than angry blogs and self-help books would suggest.
OP, The problem is not you, it is your mother. I have a critical mother too. She doesn't criticize my appearance but she's very critical in a lot of other ways like about my parenting. Once after we spoke on the phone and I was getting a kid to come talk to Grandma, I overheard her say something really mean and critical about me to my father when she thought I couldn't hear. I can only imagine that this was the tip of the iceberg.
I am glad you called her out. I did the same thing. As for those who say to cut off your own mother, well that's easy for them to say. I don't want to cut off my mother, so she is still in my life. We aren't in very close touch though, and I do try to set boundaries, not always perfectly. It's hard.
If you haven't already, I will say to get some therapy. Parents can really do a mind job on their kids.
Anonymous
11/11/2023 21:41
Subject: Vent about my cruel immature mother
Oh hey Uncle Chris, my Mom is an unforgivable c&nt, but what else can I say about her unforgivable behavior? It's good to see you, happy to talk with you again but I have to jump off. Don't have time for my Mother's BS.
Anonymous
11/11/2023 21:29
Subject: Vent about my cruel immature mother
I'm glad you called her out on her behavior. That's not easy to do.