Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 22:54     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Moved here 25 years ago, girlfriend joined me, became my wife and we have 3 kids. She’s hated Alexandria since 2003 and never lets me forget it. Either move or keep cheerful but don’t complain about it every 72 hours.

Life in your town has gone on without you and your absence has been filled, friends and family have new responsibilities and tighter social circles, your return to Pottersville may not be what you were expecting.
What you may really be missing is being childless and 27.


This is completely dismissive of your wife's experience and feelings.

Disagree. Previous poster is spot on. Move if your current situation is terrible but not because you have some idealized image of the town you grew up in and things would be like they were before. There is just no going back to there.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 22:49     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:My DH grew up in Fairfax. The only time he's lived outside of NOVA was the four years he spent at VA Tech. I'm still here because he is here. Otherwise I would have been long gone. We live in FCC and I do not like it at all. I find it basic and boring. Before moving here I lived in Dallas, Chicago and New Orleans. I like all three of those places a lot more than here. I would love to go back to Chicago but it will never happen; DH hates cold weather.


I grew up in nova, lived in dc as a young adult, and now live in chicago and would say the opposite. But you’re probably making the same comparison I am (just flipping the cities). DC was amazing, i lived on 17th street with friends all up and down if, had lots of extra money and time (no kids), went to all the cool city evening events, didn’t need to be outside during the day in summer and could enjoy long evenings outside after work etc. Now in chicago I’m in the very close burbs, freezing my butt off at soccer games, make it out a couple times a month and never on the fly, friends are all connected to my little kids which is fine but not the same etc etc. if you’re comparing FCC to chicago versus “random boring suburb of chicago” it’s an unfair comparison
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 22:43     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.



Disagree that moving can't sometimes be just the magic someone needs to start over.


+1

We moved recently and I am so much happier now.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 22:41     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:Moved here 25 years ago, girlfriend joined me, became my wife and we have 3 kids. She’s hated Alexandria since 2003 and never lets me forget it. Either move or keep cheerful but don’t complain about it every 72 hours.

Life in your town has gone on without you and your absence has been filled, friends and family have new responsibilities and tighter social circles, your return to Pottersville may not be what you were expecting.
What you may really be missing is being childless and 27.


This is completely dismissive of your wife's experience and feelings.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 22:24     Subject: I hate where we live.
OP, fwiw, we moved from a city I loved to one that is good for work. I was so sad for a while, but I started realizing that I was idealizing our former city. I have no idea if that is the case for you, but is it possible that you are experiencing grass is greener kind of thing? I seem to recall a post like yours a few years ago. I'm wondering if you are reaching out again as you feel desperate. I think you really should talk all of this through with an unbiased party and see what you come up with. GL
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 22:21     Subject: I hate where we live.
Is Op the one living in a 1 bedroom apartment with a car that’s been broken into three times? Because that sounds awful. I am thankful every day that I demanded that we move in 2020. DH was not on board, but I insisted.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 22:18     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:Is anybody else in this boat? I’m not sure what I’m looking for here…

What do you do if you’re married with kids and hate where you live, but your spouse likes it.

My husband and I have been together for well over a decade. We met in my hometown at college. After graduating we moved here - this put us smack dab in the middle of both of our families, with no support around. I’ve stayed here because I love him, and because pre-COVID he said that we would have to stay here because this was a major hub for his line of work.

We now have 2 kids and a house. And I have, at best, tolerated living here. Most of the time, I’m miserable, unable to wean off anti-depressants because I’m so unhappy and anxious here. I’ve joined clubs, church, gotten involved in my kids’ school - but it’s exhausting to make friends, only to have them move back home after a few years. I miss my family — our major source of help and support. A member of my immediate family has had numerous health issues over the last few years which has only fed into my desire to leave.

Since COVID, many of the jobs in my husband’s sector have gone remote. And they’re not going back to in-office. Since his job was the main factor for us staying, I have now begun begging to move away from here. Except he likes it here. He refuses to move, saying he “can’t wrap his head around it” and that “we had said years ago that we would stay here” even though the condition holding us here no longer exists. When I told him that I hated it here and that I couldn’t see myself weaning from anti-depressants while still living here, he was upset. I love him and my kids so much… but I don’t know how I’m going to keep living in this area with no end in sight.


This sounds like it’s more about the depression than hating the place itself, OP. People move away and things change no matter where you live. You may have in mind how things would be if you lived near your family, but it might not actually be that way. You don’t really say what you dislike about this area other than that it’s not where your family is.

How far away is your hometown?

My parents immigrated from another country. They only saw their family and friends once every few years. I’ve moved around a lot due to jobs and schools. My friends and family are scattered all over. I suspect that’s true for many people in this area. I have been pretty happy wherever I’ve lived, I like meeting new people and it doesn’t take much to make me like a place. I know what my purpose is in life and it’s not dependent on being in one particular place. But that may be because of how my parents raised me.

Do you have a job? It sounds like you frame your life choices as “for your husband” and you are blaming him for the fact that you are there instead of taking ownership for your own life. I wonder if this is also the source of your depression, somehow not feeling like you are the one who is making your life. I think this could be addressed via better therapy.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 22:01     Subject: I hate where we live.
I feel you, OP. We moved to DC and planned to stay a year or two … and now 13 years have gone by and we are stuck with kids and a little house with a low mortgage rate. Not a terrible problem but it’s a soul crushing place to love especially when our jobs aren’t tied to the area.

I do not like living in DC but tell myself that I have 10 years until the kids are in college. Ten years and I am out of here, whether or not my spouse comes with me.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 21:29     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.



This is garbage. I lived in DC for 15 years. Hated it. Never felt like home. Felt like a place we were just on a treadmill to pass the time until we die. Terrible. Lucky for me, DH felt similarly (though interestingly, came from an entirely different part of the planet from me). We agreed to come up with a 5 year plan to leave. And we stuck to it. We moved to the first place we had the opportunity for, even though it was totally random and not where we might have picked. One week into our new city, and we both agreed we would never leave if we didn't have to. 16 years later, and we are still in the same state of that first place we moved (although several hours away) and are very, very, very happy.

Geographic places can absolutely be horrid and impact your mental health, and picking a nicer place can absolutely make you happier. This isn't just that some people are Debbie downers and are going to be miserable everywhere. Some places (DC) just objectively suck.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 21:15     Subject: Re:I hate where we live.
I also hate it here and want to leave, and have for many years, but the condition keeping us here (DH's job) is still in place.

Nothing but solidarity, OP. This is a hard place to be when you simply don't want to be.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 21:13     Subject: I hate where we live.
I've made peace with our cramped lifestyle. Instead of upgrading we bought a cabin and a beach house so frequently escape to them. I love both of those homes so I really can't complain.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 21:08     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:Moved here 25 years ago, girlfriend joined me, became my wife and we have 3 kids. She’s hated Alexandria since 2003 and never lets me forget it. Either move or keep cheerful but don’t complain about it every 72 hours.

Life in your town has gone on without you and your absence has been filled, friends and family have new responsibilities and tighter social circles, your return to Pottersville may not be what you were expecting.
What you may really be missing is being childless and 27.


So you’d prefer that your wife moved? With her without you? You certainly don’t seem to be very engaged in the project of finding an environment that you can both be happy in.

I hope there’s more to the story because the picture you’ve painted here is of a not-so-great spouse.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 21:05     Subject: Re:I hate where we live.
Would another neighborhood be better? We were definitely happier after moving to a different area in the city.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 21:03     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.



Disagree that moving can't sometimes be just the magic someone needs to start over.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2023 21:02     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.



+1