Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live in Europe - I am an only child and we live in nyc. Parents have around $15m net worth. They are getting older and need a lot of help but refuse to consider moving and say nyc is too expensive and have no interest in not being in nice apt on upper east side. I have no idea what to do about this. I have a full time very intense job and two elementary kids. Any tips?

ughh selfish boomers amirite?

How on earth is it selfish of them to not want to uproot their entire lives in the place that’s been their home to move to a different country because their child decided to move across the ocean? It’s an unfortunate situation but I’m sure their entire support network is near them. Their doctors, their church/place of worship if they have one, all of their friends. I don’t think younger people realize just how much is being asked when they want their parents to literally move to a different country in their old age. Then they have no one but that child so of course they seem clingy. You don’t just go make a whole new set of friends when you’re seniors.

It turns out that doctors, church, and friends are NOT a support system once people need help with Activities of Daily Living. No one from the church is going to come and help with medications, dressing, grooming etc. Doctors are not going to follow up, they expect the person has family who will help.

Anonymous wrote:9:49 again -- hit send too soon. I think the best you can do is to figure out what their next move looks like when the time is right, research options, and stay on top of their health / well being.

yes i suppose you're right. the name of the game right now is research. As to whether they are managing, my mom is in and out of the hospital and my dad is exhausted. They call a lot and my mother spends most days seeing one dr or another. It's hard to see this scenario not turning into, as a pp put it, a dumpster fire and pretty quickly.

9:49 again -- hit send too soon. I think the best you can do is to figure out what their next move looks like when the time is right, research options, and stay on top of their health / well being.

My 82 year old mother lives in FL and I'm in the DMV. Parents retired there about 18 years ago, and she's got lots of friends and a good social circle in the neighborhood and also through her church. She doesn't have a lot of disposable income, but she's planning to move to an independent/assisted living that is right outside her front gates when she can't manage her house by herself anymore. She has yard people, a pool person, a cleaning person, and now a handyman on call. She'll have to sell her house to afford the independent living place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is not much you can do. And tbf, their health care and aging in place options may be better there.

I sympathize because mine are in California and I'm in the DMV. They could easily afford to move here but dont want to leave their home and local relatives, which is understandable. I could be happy living there but the job and housing logistics don't work plus my ILs are here.
Everybody's sad that we don't see more of each other. I try to visit more often by myself (without kids, to save $). Elder care is a looming concern but they insist they'll muddle through.

Keep in mind that if they move away from their existing friends and community to be near you, you become responsible for their social lives, helping them find doctors, etc. It's hard to start over when you're older, so it's going to be your job to manage that. If they don't really need the help, consider whether it's worth that tradeoff

This is true, but it's also the reason to move when you're on the younger side. I've lived on the east coast for 20 years and have been encouraging my parents to move for the last 10. If they had done so 10 years ago, like my ILs did when their adult kids settled, they would be established here plus would have spent the last 10 years seeing grandkids instead of complaining about not seeing us enough.

Obviously it's their choice to live where they prefer, but the difficulty is very foreseeable. Their local friends have been moving away (to join adult children) for years now.

9:36 again. I would never understand being satisfied with life living so far from my children. But that's just my perspective. And that's my perspective on distance. Your family's view is different. Obviously they built a life and they are ok re: the distance. This is about you in two ways: appropriate and not appropriate. Appropriate - this becomes a problem when they expect more travel from you than you are willing to do (without resentment). And you say no to whatever, in your opinion, is too much. They need you more, they must move. Inappropriate - you wanting them to make a change to their circumstance because you worry, don't want to worry. That you have to deal with. That's a burden you don't get to ease by making them change their life. Not when they are managing adequately.

I’m an only child with parents in Europe. They will never move. I won’t be able to fly out at the drop of a hat. We’re all going to have to accept the ensuing dumpster fire.

Do they live somewhere with socialized medicine? I wouldn't discount that.

But $15M means they have many options for care. Can you look at elder care options in their home city?

Op, a lot of the above is your opinion. Maybe they have *exactly* the size social circle that suits them. Place of worship unimportant. In other words, you can't look at this through your eyes

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live in Europe - I am an only child and we live in nyc. Parents have around $15m net worth. They are getting older and need a lot of help but refuse to consider moving and say nyc is too expensive and have no interest in not being in nice apt on upper east side. I have no idea what to do about this. I have a full time very intense job and two elementary kids. Any tips?

ughh selfish boomers amirite?

How on earth is it selfish of them to not want to uproot their entire lives in the place that’s been their home to move to a different country because their child decided to move across the ocean? It’s an unfortunate situation but I’m sure their entire support network is near them. Their doctors, their church/place of worship if they have one, all of their friends. I don’t think younger people realize just how much is being asked when they want their parents to literally move to a different country in their old age. Then they have no one but that child so of course they seem clingy. You don’t just go make a whole new set of friends when you’re seniors.

Op - this wasn’t my comment and I get what you are saying but in my parents case they don’t have a big social circle, def do not have a place of worship, do have drs. My mom is also American so she has family and friends here. I am here bc I had us passport bc of her. So it’s not totally random. But I see your point

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live in Europe - I am an only child and we live in nyc. Parents have around $15m net worth. They are getting older and need a lot of help but refuse to consider moving and say nyc is too expensive and have no interest in not being in nice apt on upper east side. I have no idea what to do about this. I have a full time very intense job and two elementary kids. Any tips?

ughh selfish boomers amirite?

How on earth is it selfish of them to not want to uproot their entire lives in the place that’s been their home to move to a different country because their child decided to move across the ocean? It’s an unfortunate situation but I’m sure their entire support network is near them. Their doctors, their church/place of worship if they have one, all of their friends. I don’t think younger people realize just how much is being asked when they want their parents to literally move to a different country in their old age. Then they have no one but that child so of course they seem clingy. You don’t just go make a whole new set of friends when you’re seniors.

Have same issues with my parents who are living abroad. They won’t budge, so we’re looking at hiring caregivers and plan to just visit as much can. It’s tough.

My European parents moved to the US, but the complete other side of the country. Now that they are in the 80s I want them to move to the east coast, closer to me and my sibling. They refuse and are thinking of moving back to Europe. No advice OP, as this is a common argument in our family.

What has helped, is having my kids and my siblings kids asking for them to come to visit more often. Not sure if that would work on your end. Still no move, but at least they are looking.

Eventually you'll have tough decisions to make about how your time is best spent. DH had parents that lived in Canada & the US and he eventually quit his job to take care of them and all of their paperwork spread between two countries. It really was a full-time job and no one else, not their caretakers, attorneys, or investment mangers, was going to take care of things as well as DH.

OP - to answer qs - i moved here (initially for a few months and then ended up meeting dh and staying). Mom is mid 70s, dad is 80. Mom is US citizen and as a result both have health insurance. Yes other posters points are well made.
Even though that is their net worth they would have to liquidate their existing house to buy a place here which i think they dont want to do. I think posters have made some good points about what they actually WANT to do. I don't want to be entirely responsible for them (they do have family in the states too) but I also worry that - esp when one dies - I will not be able to manage from afar at ALL.
it is hard.