Anonymous wrote:Former SAHM here. My ex vocalized several times that it was "his" money. We had two children and my budget for the kids was VERY slim. Like, I shopped thrift store clothing for them. There was no childcare so the kids were with me 24/7 if they weren't in nursery or pre-school. In the last year before the split, he gave me 3K total. I spent about 2K on taking licensing exams, passed them all (I couldn't afford to retake any).
Then I called an attorney and that was it.

Now I can finally spend holidays with my family and actually have a strategy for their elderly years.
Oh, and I earn more than he does.

Good for you, that's no marriage. But, in OP situation she should consider what's really going on if she has to be worried about money. I never am in terms of dealing with my husband. He'd never tell me what to spend on the kids (except maybe a bit more on something important but I can do anything reasonable).

If my DH’s parents really needed money - even if it was due to their bad choices - I would never leave them high and dry. I would also step up to help care for them if need be. I’ve always been of the belief that families should take care of their elderly relatives and I consider my in-laws part of my family. I admire cultures that have that ethos.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 100%, his retirement accounts are bigger via work but I can do/spend what I want but we don't have nearly the income you do. I would talk to my husband about care and he'd have no issue if we could afford it and that's what I wanted to do. But, reality is my husband doesn't care as long as I'm reasonable and don't make us broke. I could buy a new car tomorrow and he wouldn't care (well, he'd be thrilled).

These retirement accounts need to be evened out. What happens if you divorce?

Op: Do your parents have any savings of their own? Have your parents been responsible with their money and just don’t have a lot of it, or did they spend spend spend in her younger years and now are shocked that they are left with nothing?

Both my and DH’s parents have their retirement covered. They both have plenty of savings. It would feel weird to me having to cover the grandparents expenses from marital assets. I would think those should go to the kids, and the parents should be able to take care of their own needs.

Then again, I guess if they can’t, what do you do? Of course you help. I get why it would be hard to not be resentful though.

You haven’t said why they can’t take care of themselves… Were they not responsible with their money in the past? Or were they in low paying jobs to start, and never really understood the mechanics of saving? Do you come from a culture where it’s just assumed the kids will take care of their parents.? Do you have a siblings that could help out also, but don’t want to because they think you are the “rich” sibling?

I do agree with others that this is not automatically something that comes from the marital accounts. The specific circumstances would determine how inclined I would be to be generous in helping.

OP, what resources do your parents have to fund their elder care? Social Security/Medicare? Pensions? Their own 401ks and IRAs? Long term care policies?

It is not your responsibility to pay for their care. It is not your DH’s responsibility either no matter what he earns.

Boundaries.

This isn’t a SAHM thing. Your husband just doesn’t want to spend money on this. He would be just as upset about the money going to your parents if you were working. In fact, if you do return to work, I doubt that he is going to be okay with 100% of your money being yours to do whatever you want while his income supports you and the kids.

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

Let’s be fair here, you probably wouldn’t be excited about your husband’s salary going to your in-laws either.

Why did you not discuss this with your husband before you stopped working?

I would never become entirely dependent upon another adult without some agreement (preferably in writing).

Do women not realize that half of marriages end in divorce ?

Anonymous wrote:These replies are wild. I say go back to work and pay for your parents, OP. I imagine you’ll have to pay someone from his salary to cover what you currently do as a SAHM. Once he realizes how much not having a SAHM taking care of everything is cutting into his lifestyle, he may be more willing to pay.

I don’t know about this strategy, but I agree that these responses are wild.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds normal. He can not be expected to support your family of origin. His obligation is to you and your kids.

In your situation op I would find a job with mommy hours so that I could support my parents.

Really? I would find a job working evenings/nights/weekends when DH can manage childcare.

Former SAHM here. My ex vocalized several times that it was "his" money. We had two children and my budget for the kids was VERY slim. Like, I shopped thrift store clothing for them. There was no childcare so the kids were with me 24/7 if they weren't in nursery or pre-school. In the last year before the split, he gave me 3K total. I spent about 2K on taking licensing exams, passed them all (I couldn't afford to retake any).
Then I called an attorney and that was it.

Now I can finally spend holidays with my family and actually have a strategy for their elderly years.
Oh, and I earn more than he does.

A number of years ago I expressed concern to my DH that about 90% of assets were in his name. Yes, it’s marital property but….. So over time he retitled many of the assets under my name. He never argued with me about it, he just said if it helps me sleep better he’d make it happen. A few years ago my 82 year old mother fell and broke her pelvis. She really needed full time care for a month or so but for some reason her insurance would only kick in after 30 days. The care was around $1500 a day or $45,000 for 30 days, money that she didn’t have given that is about equal to her annual income. When I posed the problem to my husband he said we’d pay for it so tell mom not to worry.

I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

These replies are wild. I say go back to work and pay for your parents, OP. I imagine you’ll have to pay someone from his salary to cover what you currently do as a SAHM. Once he realizes how much not having a SAHM taking care of everything is cutting into his lifestyle, he may be more willing to pay.

Your husband sounds normal. He can not be expected to support your family of origin. His obligation is to you and your kids.

In your situation op I would find a job with mommy hours so that I could support my parents.