Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 10:20     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
OP, ok .. you know how your husband is. Or now you know, so you need to change your entire approach: as soon as you learn of a problem (the date conflict involving *your* parents). YOU make a decision. Inform him. Inform him once and DO NOT discuss it again.

The decision -one way or another- is pretty unimportant. Either was is reasonable. But you will make yourself crazy, lots of small events will make you crazy, if you don't strength your resolve in dealing with your DH.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 09:08     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Anonymous wrote:Update.

I really appreciate everyone’s advice, and it helped to know I am not crazy for thinking the way I do. That being said, I tried to speak to DH about it again, and he basically said that if I take her to the show he would be furious and he feels like I am choosing to do what I want regardless of how he feels.

So… do I “make him furious” or do I just cancel the show, eat the cost, and look for a different special thing to do with grandparents?


So a regular recreational sport game is more important to him than a pre-planned, unique, one time, cultural event with grandparents?

I guess I would ask him to put into words why the imbalance in importance.

Is he competing with your parents? Like he and your Dd doesn’t have that kind of relationship with his parents so he wants to sabotage this kind of special event?
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 08:31     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
The game isn’t a big deal. Ok to miss. But the show also isn’t a big deal and it is okay to miss. I’m sure at some point in the (near) future your parents, your daughter and you could make a show. That’s probably what your DH is thinking.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 08:23     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Anonymous wrote:Op you are being very nice to call out that you didn’t know it was a big deal.

But honestly you are t the issue here. The fact that this is a big deal to him (either then OR weeks later) is the key problem here.
As others have pointed out, she is 10 on a REC league and she’s not missed any other games or practices. You are not teaching her to be a flake. You are teaching her that you honor prior commitments/plans that she made with her grandparents. If it’s five years from now on a travel league where you purchased tickets AFTER the soccer season schedule was posted, that’s worth a convo and a reschedule.

But this is DH throwing a fit bc he’d rather do the soccer dad thing than go to the theatres and hes leaning into the commitment and not letting the team down thing as a justification. Truth is—the team (including coach) is not gonna care. She’s 10. Grandparents would be sad though. HIS priorities are out of whack.


This!

A theatre memory with her grandparents will last a lifetime. A rec soccer game, not so much. Her dad should get this.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 08:17     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Anonymous wrote:It’s fine for your daughter to skip the game! Don’t change your plans for a game.


+1 I am guy
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 08:17     Subject: Re:Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
How old is your kid? If younger than 16 who really cares about 1 game! Skip the soccer game and tell your DH to chill out already. Signed mother of 2 elite athletes - one Div 1 college bound.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 08:13     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Anonymous wrote:Update.

I really appreciate everyone’s advice, and it helped to know I am not crazy for thinking the way I do. That being said, I tried to speak to DH about it again, and he basically said that if I take her to the show he would be furious and he feels like I am choosing to do what I want regardless of how he feels.

So… do I “make him furious” or do I just cancel the show, eat the cost, and look for a different special thing to do with grandparents?


Tell him you’ll be taking your daughter to the show as planned and making a counseling appointment for the two of you. That you are concerned about the breakdown in communication such that it comes down to this kind of ultimatum. He is doing emotional blackmail, not OK. He needs to come up with a better way to feel heard in the relationship. This sounds like it’s about some underlying issues and not the game per se. Best to nip it in the bud.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 08:09     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Anonymous wrote:Op you are being very nice to call out that you didn’t know it was a big deal.

But honestly you are t the issue here. The fact that this is a big deal to him (either then OR weeks later) is the key problem here.
As others have pointed out, she is 10 on a REC league and she’s not missed any other games or practices. You are not teaching her to be a flake. You are teaching her that you honor prior commitments/plans that she made with her grandparents. If it’s five years from now on a travel league where you purchased tickets AFTER the soccer season schedule was posted, that’s worth a convo and a reschedule.

But this is DH throwing a fit bc he’d rather do the soccer dad thing than go to the theatres and hes leaning into the commitment and not letting the team down thing as a justification. Truth is—the team (including coach) is not gonna care. She’s 10. Grandparents would be sad though. HIS priorities are out of whack.


+1. Your DH sucks.
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 08:00     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Anonymous wrote:Update.

I really appreciate everyone’s advice, and it helped to know I am not crazy for thinking the way I do. That being said, I tried to speak to DH about it again, and he basically said that if I take her to the show he would be furious and he feels like I am choosing to do what I want regardless of how he feels.

So… do I “make him furious” or do I just cancel the show, eat the cost, and look for a different special thing to do with grandparents?


Part of me wants you to ask your daughter what she wants to do and then do that, but given the way your husband is acting, it makes me nervous that he would then lash out at her, which is completely unacceptable.

If it were me, I'd let him be furious and I would go because he is unreasonable and I wouldn't let anyone acting like a brat get their way. We don't negotiate with terrorists...
Anonymous
Post 11/01/2023 07:40     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Update.

I really appreciate everyone’s advice, and it helped to know I am not crazy for thinking the way I do. That being said, I tried to speak to DH about it again, and he basically said that if I take her to the show he would be furious and he feels like I am choosing to do what I want regardless of how he feels.

So… do I “make him furious” or do I just cancel the show, eat the cost, and look for a different special thing to do with grandparents?
Anonymous
Post 10/30/2023 14:21     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
OP, my kids do sports, for which I’ve sometimes been manager and therefore had to deal with the consequences of families whose athletes don’t show up half the time.

This is not that. As long as the coach knows your kid won’t be there, you’re fine. Enjoy the show.
Anonymous
Post 10/30/2023 14:10     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Your husband is being ridiculous. Missing one rec game is not a big deal! Especially for long standing family plans.
Anonymous
Post 10/30/2023 14:07     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Coaching a team this season. Every player (except mine) has missed a game this season. Mine did miss a practice last week.

Unfortunate but not a big deal
Anonymous
Post 10/30/2023 14:05     Subject: Re:Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
My kids do a highly competitive sport that they plan to do in college and possibly beyond. We take it very seriously. HOWEVER, while we know the general competition seasons, there are weekends where we have nothing, so sometimes we end up scheduling things that eventually do result in a conflict. The prior event wins, assuming it's not something that could be easily moved. I am firmly on your side, OP, and I think your husband is being ridiculous. I hope you and your daughter and your parents enjoy the show!
Anonymous
Post 10/30/2023 10:05     Subject: Help Resolve Issue/Communication Error
Anonymous wrote:I was a coach for my son's Little League team and I think your DH is being ridiculous. Yes, honoring a commitment is important, and your family made a commitment to an event long before the league even out out a schedule. So of course a family commitment trumps a rec league commitment!

As for the coach above, yes, it can be a problem when lots of kids ina team keep blowing off practices and games. But in the course of an entire season, to miss one game because of a prior family event is to be expected. Not just okay, but literally to be expected! As a coach, I just emphasized to families to let me know ASAP when they would be unable to play or practice...always knowing that families would have to go out of town or to a graduation or wedding or all kinds of things that were on family calendars before the season started.

Your DH has his priorities all out of whack.


DP. Listen to this coach, OP! And to the PP, thank you for being a realistic, sensible coach and not a "This is now your LIFE" coach. Those do exist, unfortunately.