Anonymous
10/29/2023 00:18
Subject: What is Fair?
The kids sports are not that important. They're just not. If you really want them to go, arrange for them to get rides most of the time. Otherwise nix the sports and be more consistent with your parent.
Otherwise, you need to be looking into assisted living or a care aid to do much of the heavy lifting. You both will get burned out quickly if the work load isn't more evenly distributed, and even then you'll both be burned out. Outsourcing might become a necessity. My mom kept falling at her independent living place, and finally had to go to assisted living. Remember, it's ASSISTED living, not a nursing home. She still has her own apartment, but she gets ASSISTANCE as needed. If she's sick, they bring her meals to her. If she falls, they call us and/or 911 depending on what's needed. So many people don't know the difference between independent, assisted, and full time care.
Full time care will burn you out. Assisted living in the parents home will burn you out. If your parent needs so much help that 1) you're both maxed out in time and money and 2) you're starting to resent each other and 3) popping in a couple times a week each isn't cutting it, then it's time to move on to next level care and take that burden off your plates before it implodes your family.
Sister A is tapped out. Sister B isn't giving as much time (or money but that's understandable.) If A is being a martyr and going to parents house more than is actually necessary then thats on her, but if it is necessary and B isn't pitching in or starting the convo about assisted living or an aide or whatever then that's on B. It's not at all realistic to expect B to pitch in the same amount of money, but she should be figuring out how to make time for the parent, even if it's touring assisted living places and getting that set up.
Otherwise, you need to be looking into assisted living or a care aid to do much of the heavy lifting. You both will get burned out quickly if the work load isn't more evenly distributed, and even then you'll both be burned out. Outsourcing might become a necessity. My mom kept falling at her independent living place, and finally had to go to assisted living. Remember, it's ASSISTED living, not a nursing home. She still has her own apartment, but she gets ASSISTANCE as needed. If she's sick, they bring her meals to her. If she falls, they call us and/or 911 depending on what's needed. So many people don't know the difference between independent, assisted, and full time care.
Full time care will burn you out. Assisted living in the parents home will burn you out. If your parent needs so much help that 1) you're both maxed out in time and money and 2) you're starting to resent each other and 3) popping in a couple times a week each isn't cutting it, then it's time to move on to next level care and take that burden off your plates before it implodes your family.
Sister A is tapped out. Sister B isn't giving as much time (or money but that's understandable.) If A is being a martyr and going to parents house more than is actually necessary then thats on her, but if it is necessary and B isn't pitching in or starting the convo about assisted living or an aide or whatever then that's on B. It's not at all realistic to expect B to pitch in the same amount of money, but she should be figuring out how to make time for the parent, even if it's touring assisted living places and getting that set up.
Anonymous
10/28/2023 20:34
Subject: What is Fair?
There is no -definite- amount of
help or money
that's needed.
Op, what you are describing is 1 person's opinion about what they would hope for, for their parent
Guess what? Some elders have no one. No one.
help or money
that's needed.
Op, what you are describing is 1 person's opinion about what they would hope for, for their parent
Guess what? Some elders have no one. No one.
Anonymous
10/28/2023 19:42
Subject: What is Fair?
Anonymous wrote:Two sisters - close in age and good relationship. Both marry and each have two kids (Sister A's kids are teens, Sister B's kids are older elementary). Both sisters and their husbands work full time jobs - making decent living but middle class without a lot of extra. Then about 7-8 years ago, Sister A's husband leaves his job and starts his own business - business takes off and Sister A leaves her job to work for the business as well. Business does extremely well and they are now multi millionaires. Sister A no longer works and her husband still works but very flexible hours, works when he wants throughout the week. Sister B and her husband are both still working their full time jobs and doing okay but not a lot of extra.
Sister A and B's lone parent has some major health issues and needs a lot of extra help. Initially Sister A steps in and does a lot of the running around to appointments and errands and help at the house and with groceries / meals. Also pays for some extra equipment, services and has hired cleaner and support person for the parent. Sister B brings food over a couple times a week and usually spends time on one weekend day with parent but her kids are in sports that require a lot of travelling on the weekend. Sister B chips in for expenses but not 50%.
Sister A is now upset saying they have taken on almost all of the burden, financially and time wise and that Sister B needs to do a lot more and pay her share and help out. Sister B says she is giving all the time she can but they can help out more and chip in up to x$ a month towards the extra supports etc. Sister A is saying that isn't enough.
What do you think - Sister A has the time and money and so should accept the help Sister B can give and just take on the rest; or Sister B needs to do more and find time and or money to balance this out.
Sister A's time and resources are irrelevant to what Sister B is able to contribute.
Anonymous
10/28/2023 17:43
Subject: What is Fair?
Anonymous wrote:Sister B has more time, she just chooses not to use it to help the parent. She is choosing to use her weekends to do all the travel sports for kids. She needs to own that and say her priorities are not what sister A wants them to be, rather than giving a sob story.
+1000
And owning a business is no small thing. There’s much going on in sister A’s life that sister B isn’t aware of.
Anonymous
10/28/2023 17:42
Subject: What is Fair?
You just do what you can and want to, but it should be equal regardless of your situations.
Anonymous
10/28/2023 17:38
Subject: What is Fair?
Sister B has more time, she just chooses not to use it to help the parent. She is choosing to use her weekends to do all the travel sports for kids. She needs to own that and say her priorities are not what sister A wants them to be, rather than giving a sob story.
Anonymous
10/28/2023 17:33
Subject: What is Fair?
NP. None of the background is useful here. It muddies the issue.
You just have to each decide what you are able to do to help.
I am a “pay it forward” person, meaning I think parents support themselves and support kids to adulthood. The parents should live within their means.
If one sister wants her parents to live above what their finances allow, that is on that sister.
You just have to each decide what you are able to do to help.
I am a “pay it forward” person, meaning I think parents support themselves and support kids to adulthood. The parents should live within their means.
If one sister wants her parents to live above what their finances allow, that is on that sister.
Anonymous
10/28/2023 12:49
Subject: What is Fair?
Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am sister A and my two sisters think because Ive been much more successful career and financially it always should be me that funds everything. They treat me like a bank. So I dropped the rope.
My husband and I worked very hard for decades to make that money and very likely did OP’s sister A. It’s hard to know what the parents need without giving specifics but this has reached a breaking point for sister a and she’s burned out. Her concerns are valid, even with older kids and more money.
In the long orginal post sister A was organzing staff, meals, shopping, appointments etc. B was bringing over food on a more random basis and spending 1 weekend day with the parents. A formalized the care plan and B is informal or more casual in direct support. That 1 day a weekend could be cut based on this quote from the original post:
Sister B brings food over a couple times a week and usually spends time on one weekend day with parent but her kids are in sports that require a lot of travelling on the weekend. Sister B chips in for expenses but not 50%.
So it's not like 1 takes the weekday shift and another the weekend. Maybe assisted living is in the cards since the parents are at a point where they can't live independently in the house?
Anonymous
10/28/2023 12:10
Subject: What is Fair?
NP here. I am sister A and my two sisters think because Ive been much more successful career and financially it always should be me that funds everything. They treat me like a bank. So I dropped the rope.
My husband and I worked very hard for decades to make that money and very likely did OP’s sister A. It’s hard to know what the parents need without giving specifics but this has reached a breaking point for sister a and she’s burned out. Her concerns are valid, even with older kids and more money.
My husband and I worked very hard for decades to make that money and very likely did OP’s sister A. It’s hard to know what the parents need without giving specifics but this has reached a breaking point for sister a and she’s burned out. Her concerns are valid, even with older kids and more money.
Anonymous
10/28/2023 11:17
Subject: What is Fair?
Sister B needs to be blunt that her life is not the same as Sister A in terms of time or resources. A blunt “If I could I would but on our salaries we simply don’t have $x extra each month to give.” Also Sister B should assess if she is really giving all the time she can or if prioritizing the kids’ sports is lopsided.
Both sisters are overwhelmed. They need to look at and honestly discuss their own needs and limitations before this ruins their relationship. It’s time for a family meeting where they discuss (sister A seems to be making decisions) the options realistically and decide what is feasible for each to provide and what the parents’ options are from there
Both sisters are overwhelmed. They need to look at and honestly discuss their own needs and limitations before this ruins their relationship. It’s time for a family meeting where they discuss (sister A seems to be making decisions) the options realistically and decide what is feasible for each to provide and what the parents’ options are from there
Anonymous
10/27/2023 14:08
Subject: What is Fair?
Is the health issue temporary or is this the beginning of a decline? If the latter, look at assisted living or hiring help. Mom's assets (if any) can be used. Do not expect Sis A to chip in for care.
I'm Sis A in this scenario because my Sis B lives in another state. I sympathize because eldercare is exhausting, even more so than working FT and attending kids' sporting events.
I'm Sis A in this scenario because my Sis B lives in another state. I sympathize because eldercare is exhausting, even more so than working FT and attending kids' sporting events.
Anonymous
10/27/2023 14:01
Subject: What is Fair?
For the love of God, just give fake babes, all this Sister A and Sister B is confusing and annoying!