Anonymous
10/22/2023 21:21
Subject: Disrespectful siblings
Not controlling at all, I get it. My brother and sister created a mess while our father was hospitalized. While I was away for a short time and they came to visit him - I initially was glad they came to see him and give me a 1/2 day break. But, while I was gone they made a medical decision for him, telling the hospital staff an erroneous thing regarding my father's health history. Ultimately they altered his treatment plan which then had to be corrected. Then when things went wrong they blamed me because I left for a break. Uh they could've called me for verification of their facts. I had to change and become a tough as nails *itch after that incident.
Anonymous
10/22/2023 18:55
Subject: Disrespectful siblings
Yeah, you are being controlling. Just because you are the POA doesn't mean your siblings can't also weigh in with their opinions etc. They are free to contact the staff, talk to them, etc.
Anonymous
10/22/2023 18:54
Subject: Disrespectful siblings
Anonymous wrote:I'm my parents medical and financial POA. I have 4 siblings. My 1 sibling will call them Sib A keeps overreaching and trying to direct my parents care - both are in Assisted living. Sibs B and C massage Sibs A ego by telling them they have every right to do this. It's been 3 years of this and mentally stressful for me! I send out reports on my parents care every 2 weeks or when needed.
I have consistently requested to all of them via text and voice that all questions about our parents care be directed to me and I can address them with the AL staff. The medical staff said it's much easier to have one point of contact. The facility abides by my request and it's in my parents file, but when there is a new employee. things go crazy. Well my sibs are upset with me calling me controlling. Am I?
I have tried to involve them in plan of care decisions presented to me, but receive - "crickets" or crazy rabbit hole answers.
Wait so it’s YOUR request in your parents’ file that AL staff only communicate with you?
And sometimes if a new employee starts & your sibling shows up for a visit, they share info with that sibling or answer questions, & then you & sibs go crazy?
I work at a nursing home. This sounds very stressful for the staff, to have this demand in their file & then others trying to override it. Of course it’s nice when there’s one main person running point, but this sounds like dysfunctional family dynamics that you are drawing the staff into. So sibling A visits & asks questions & they answer, then they get an earful from you about how it’s in their file that staff should only discuss with you. Exhausting.
Anonymous
10/22/2023 18:51
Subject: Disrespectful siblings
I remember being so mad at my brother when he bought my Mother a new phone. She was using the other one just fine. It was the only way we had to reach her. And now she was confused.
Siblings often fly into town, want to have something changed, and fly out again.
Siblings often fly into town, want to have something changed, and fly out again.
Anonymous
10/22/2023 17:45
Subject: Disrespectful siblings
Why do you think that being their POA means that you are the only contact with the assisted living people? You all live close so of course others are going to see your parents and talk to staff. They can and should do that.
Anonymous
10/22/2023 17:15
Subject: Disrespectful siblings
Too controlling. You cannot control when your siblings visit, or what they do, or if they want to contact the facility.
Yes, perfect world would mean 1 contact person, & 3 siblings who do exactly as you request. That is not reality, so let that go.
Take some of your emotion out of it & start to expect that they will frustrate & annoy you & potentially make issues. It is what it is, release the responsibility you feel over their actions. & continue what you are doing as far as sending out 2 wk updates, etc.
Yes, perfect world would mean 1 contact person, & 3 siblings who do exactly as you request. That is not reality, so let that go.
Take some of your emotion out of it & start to expect that they will frustrate & annoy you & potentially make issues. It is what it is, release the responsibility you feel over their actions. & continue what you are doing as far as sending out 2 wk updates, etc.
Anonymous
10/22/2023 16:23
Subject: Disrespectful siblings
Being POA does not mean you are the only one who can talk to caregivers or have concerns about care. That’s where you are being controlling.
Anonymous
10/22/2023 15:57
Subject: Disrespectful siblings
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We all live close to the AL facility. My father has asked them to respect the poa to no avail. I send out a message when I receive it from the facility. 2 weeks is if all is good and to touch base if no news. Plus we have Zoom calls with the family - although some sibs miss them. All can visit when they want, but some use various excuses as why they can't come for holiday meals, mothers day, etc. One good example, when 2 of my sibs visit they don't seem to remember mom is a diabetic and they give her sugary treats even substituting it fur a meal. Then mom's blood sugar spikes and she's on insulin again for a few days to a week. At the request of the facility, I have asked all of them, especially the 2 sibs to please not bring sweets into mom because the Drs have said so and the facility has her on a low sugar diet. But I'm controlling, yeah right!
Your mom is an adult and has lived long enough to decide if she wants a surgery treat. Heaven forbid if I am 80 or 85 and one if my kids says I can NEVER have a dessert. I would rather die a couple years early than give up everything that brings some comfort and pleasure. Your two siblings bringing a surgery treat every once in a while to make your mom happy is what your mom wants. Why do you get to decide she can’t have it?
You really do seem quite controlling deciding who is shirking responsibility by spending Mother’s Day or another holiday with another loved one. That’s not up to you to control how your siblings spend their time.
Anonymous
10/22/2023 14:57
Subject: Re:Disrespectful siblings
Anonymous wrote:NP. To all of you calling OP "controlling". It sounds like OP is the one who carries all of the caregiving "mental load" and then every now and then a sibling swoops in and makes a rash (and perhaps self-serving) decision based on limited experience and knowledge.
Are any of you mothers who were/are the primary caregivers for your kids? Did your kids have any special needs? It would be akin to you shouldering all the responsibility for the planning and supervision of their medical/mental/academic/social/behavioral needs and then randomly having your husband wander in and announce "Unlimited screentime and candy for everyone!"
Can you not take a moment to imagine/remember how caregiving can be complex at any age and how many decisions should not be made lightly?
OP here. Thank you. This is on point. Thank you for explaining it so eloquently!!!