Sounds like a little lawyer. Start calling her that

These posts are all the same: "I used these 4 positive parenting techniques and I am flummoxed!"

Some kids need consequences, they need boundaries, they need a reason to stop making bad choices. Asking them gently to please stop doesn't count. If you don't rein her in you'll have more of a monster on your hands. Talk about expectations, talk about consequences ahead of time, and be consistent. No empty threats or promises.

My daughter is a bit younger at 6 but is also a handful. Does excellent at school and camp and basically with any other authority figure. Whines and negotiates everything. Wants to do what she wants to do and doesn’t listen. I find myself resentful especially around my sibling who has a similar age girl who is just so much more lower energy and well, compliant.

What’s worked for me is the following…

Stay calm. When I lose my cool it is just worse. Walk away if you need to. I even say, mommy feels angry and needs to cool off.

Pick battles.

Someone about wrote about engaging them in problem solving. We have had some success with this. Has to be in a calm moment. Phrasing it as our family is a team that works together.

Also the poster who mentioned asking if they will help vs barking orders at them. The example about washing the hands above. We had a really good prek teacher and I observed her using these ways of giving the kids agency. “I need your help” etc.

Making sure the basics are covered. Food and sleep. My kid will forget to eat and be hangry.

Praise the good a lot. It’s annoying to have to do this all the damn time but it does work.

Sometime I am resentful like why can’t I just have an easy kid. Some kids are just way easier. It is not your fault. When I feel like this I try to think about all my child’s positive qualities. She is very bright, in gifted program. She is not a follower. Sticks up for herself. All good qualities that will serve her well later.

Anonymous wrote:This is the parent of the teens again. To give you some perspective, in ten years, you and your daughter will have a good laugh over these days. Your daughter will grow up into a lovely young lady. My 15-year-old son's behavior was so challenging (understatement of a lifetime), I genuinely thought he would grow up to be a criminal. Well he is the kindest, sweetest boy you could ever know.

Not OP but I really, really appreciate this comment.

My DD has been very challenging since she was a toddler. We wound up having to consult a behavioral therapist about potty training because none of the regular methods worked and she was so adamantly opposed to the idea that I genuinely worried she wouldn't potty train by kindergarten (even with help, it was close -- she trained at 4).

I still remember one day during a session with the behavioral therapist, after she'd had a 30 minute session with DD, the therapist said to me, "some kids are just like this, they can be rewarding but they are so hard -- my son is in his 20s and I still tense up a bit when I see his name on the caller idea because he's just a lot." And I so wish she hadn't said that because while my kid is, yes, extraordinarily rewarding, this whole phase of life (toddler/preschool/early elementary) has been so much harder than I expected, and I think harder for us than it is for other parents. The idea that I'd still feel like "oh this is hard" in 20 years is horribly depressing.

But I sometimes get glimmers of what you are talking about, a kid who has the benefit of all the years of effort we put in PLUS all that determination and independence that makes that effort necessary, and I can see what a great person she will be down the road. And probably that therapist loves her son to bits and didn't mean what she said quite the way I took it, as the parent of a 3 yr old who had announced to me sternly that she would happily have accidents every day for the rest of her life if it meant not using the potty.

But yeah, some days it's just really hard and I am so tired.

Anonymous wrote:Almost 7 year old daughter is exhausting. Always screaming always whining, never listening always defiant. Never admitting to anything she does. Always wanting everything she sees. I am exhausted being around her. Nothing is ever enough. She always wants her way and is extremely rude. I have tried validating her emotions, tried talking to her, tried 1-1 time with her. What do I do with her? She is completely different in school and around others. It’s not a behavioral issue anywhere else. But at home she is something else. Does not eat well, does not get ready or do any chores. What can I possibly do with her?

I hear you, OP. We have one daughter, and she behaves the same way. Our daughter never was an easy child to start with. She gets perfect grades, has no behavioral issues at school, but at home she is a piece of work. Yes, it's very exhausting. I literally am dreaming when she will be in college. I'm tired of coming everyday from work and then cook dinner and listen to her whining about my cooking, or whatever else. I don't have a real advice for you, because I'm dealing with the same issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much YouTube, screentime with ads or mindless scrolling so she getting when home? My guess is she needs to be weened off.

OP here- she gets an hour max of day of tv - no mindless scrolling allowed. Just the shows she decided with her sister.

Even with 1-1 time I am exhausted bc everything is an issue: just this morning- changing clothes she stomps, brushing hair she stomps. Telling her to go brush and she’s sour about it. No matter how I try to phrase it. It’s always an issue. I am trying hard to ignore her outbursts and tell her I’m here for you but pls let’s calm down. I try to ask her to breathe. She has a younger sister who is 4 and she is nowhere the same. So it can’t just be my parenting right?

My kids are teens now and I have been through all of this.You are not a bad parent. You sound like a kind, loving, thoughtful parent. However, I think the previous posters are right. You must ignore non-compliant behavior. Do not engage at all. If she stomps, walk away. Don't tell her that you are there for her, you are listening to her, etc, while she is not compliant. That attention she gets while being non-compliant is rewarding her behavior.

The more important part is that you must reward all compliant behavior with lots of praise and rewards. But you must set her up for success first. I used poker chips as a reward at that age. If she brushes her teeth without an issue, she gets tons of praise and a chip. Ten chips might buy a movie night or something she enjoys. If 5 minutes later, she does not get dressed, you must find a way not to engage and ignore it. Tell her calmly that she can't get a chip for getting dressed but there will be more opportunities to earn chips later, then disengage. I know that it is hard, but it usually works after a few weeks of consistency.

So this makes sense but should i start this reward behavior- I’m trying to read parenting books that says kids should be intrinsically motivated and if I start with reward charts or rewards after a certain behavior then they are not essentially learning anything. I’m not questioning anyone’s parenting strategy but just talking out loud to see what the opinion is?

Some kids are more transactional than others but once a routine is developed most kids will not need a reward for getting dressed in the morning.

This is the parent of the teens again. To give you some perspective, in ten years, you and your daughter will have a good laugh over these days. Your daughter will grow up into a lovely young lady. My 15-year-old son's behavior was so challenging (understatement of a lifetime), I genuinely thought he would grow up to be a criminal. Well he is the kindest, sweetest boy you could ever know.

Anonymous wrote:She is completely different in school and around others. It’s not a behavioral issue anywhere else.

It's you, OP. Point the finger at yourself. Fix yourself.

DP but this is NOT HELPFUL. What exactly is OP doing wrong? What should she fix? Where should she start?

People like you are just such AH’s it’s almost unbelievable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much YouTube, screentime with ads or mindless scrolling so she getting when home? My guess is she needs to be weened off.

OP here- she gets an hour max of day of tv - no mindless scrolling allowed. Just the shows she decided with her sister.

Even with 1-1 time I am exhausted bc everything is an issue: just this morning- changing clothes she stomps, brushing hair she stomps. Telling her to go brush and she’s sour about it. No matter how I try to phrase it. It’s always an issue. I am trying hard to ignore her outbursts and tell her I’m here for you but pls let’s calm down. I try to ask her to breathe. She has a younger sister who is 4 and she is nowhere the same. So it can’t just be my parenting right?

My kids are teens now and I have been through all of this.You are not a bad parent. You sound like a kind, loving, thoughtful parent. However, I think the previous posters are right. You must ignore non-compliant behavior. Do not engage at all. If she stomps, walk away. Don't tell her that you are there for her, you are listening to her, etc, while she is not compliant. That attention she gets while being non-compliant is rewarding her behavior.

The more important part is that you must reward all compliant behavior with lots of praise and rewards. But you must set her up for success first. I used poker chips as a reward at that age. If she brushes her teeth without an issue, she gets tons of praise and a chip. Ten chips might buy a movie night or something she enjoys. If 5 minutes later, she does not get dressed, you must find a way not to engage and ignore it. Tell her calmly that she can't get a chip for getting dressed but there will be more opportunities to earn chips later, then disengage. I know that it is hard, but it usually works after a few weeks of consistency.

So this makes sense but should i start this reward behavior- I’m trying to read parenting books that says kids should be intrinsically motivated and if I start with reward charts or rewards after a certain behavior then they are not essentially learning anything. I’m not questioning anyone’s parenting strategy but just talking out loud to see what the opinion is?

This is a good question. I am the parent of three teens who posted above. Eventually the behavior becomes internalized. Think about training a puppy. Each time it "heels" it get a piece of chicken. However, you don't have to reward a 2-year-old dog to heel. It internalizes the behavior over time. I don't give my 15-year-old a reward for brushing his teeth. He has been doing it independently for song long, it is just a part of living. However, at age 5, I had to reward him for brushing his teeth without a fuss, getting dressed without a fuss, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much YouTube, screentime with ads or mindless scrolling so she getting when home? My guess is she needs to be weened off.

OP here- she gets an hour max of day of tv - no mindless scrolling allowed. Just the shows she decided with her sister.

Even with 1-1 time I am exhausted bc everything is an issue: just this morning- changing clothes she stomps, brushing hair she stomps. Telling her to go brush and she’s sour about it. No matter how I try to phrase it. It’s always an issue. I am trying hard to ignore her outbursts and tell her I’m here for you but pls let’s calm down. I try to ask her to breathe. She has a younger sister who is 4 and she is nowhere the same. So it can’t just be my parenting right?

My kids are teens now and I have been through all of this.You are not a bad parent. You sound like a kind, loving, thoughtful parent. However, I think the previous posters are right. You must ignore non-compliant behavior. Do not engage at all. If she stomps, walk away. Don't tell her that you are there for her, you are listening to her, etc, while she is not compliant. That attention she gets while being non-compliant is rewarding her behavior.

The more important part is that you must reward all compliant behavior with lots of praise and rewards. But you must set her up for success first. I used poker chips as a reward at that age. If she brushes her teeth without an issue, she gets tons of praise and a chip. Ten chips might buy a movie night or something she enjoys. If 5 minutes later, she does not get dressed, you must find a way not to engage and ignore it. Tell her calmly that she can't get a chip for getting dressed but there will be more opportunities to earn chips later, then disengage. I know that it is hard, but it usually works after a few weeks of consistency.

So this makes sense but should i start this reward behavior- I’m trying to read parenting books that says kids should be intrinsically motivated and if I start with reward charts or rewards after a certain behavior then they are not essentially learning anything. I’m not questioning anyone’s parenting strategy but just talking out loud to see what the opinion is?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much YouTube, screentime with ads or mindless scrolling so she getting when home? My guess is she needs to be weened off.

OP here- she gets an hour max of day of tv - no mindless scrolling allowed. Just the shows she decided with her sister.

Even with 1-1 time I am exhausted bc everything is an issue: just this morning- changing clothes she stomps, brushing hair she stomps. Telling her to go brush and she’s sour about it. No matter how I try to phrase it. It’s always an issue. I am trying hard to ignore her outbursts and tell her I’m here for you but pls let’s calm down. I try to ask her to breathe. She has a younger sister who is 4 and she is nowhere the same. So it can’t just be my parenting right?

My kids are teens now and I have been through all of this.You are not a bad parent. You sound like a kind, loving, thoughtful parent. However, I think the previous posters are right. You must ignore non-compliant behavior. Do not engage at all. If she stomps, walk away. Don't tell her that you are there for her, you are listening to her, etc, while she is not compliant. That attention she gets while being non-compliant is rewarding her behavior.

The more important part is that you must reward all compliant behavior with lots of praise and rewards. But you must set her up for success first. I used poker chips as a reward at that age. If she brushes her teeth without an issue, she gets tons of praise and a chip. Ten chips might buy a movie night or something she enjoys. If 5 minutes later, she does not get dressed, you must find a way not to engage and ignore it. Tell her calmly that she can't get a chip for getting dressed but there will be more opportunities to earn chips later, then disengage. I know that it is hard, but it usually works after a few weeks of consistency.

Anonymous wrote:How much YouTube, screentime with ads or mindless scrolling so she getting when home? My guess is she needs to be weened off.

OP here- she gets an hour max of day of tv - no mindless scrolling allowed. Just the shows she decided with her sister.

Even with 1-1 time I am exhausted bc everything is an issue: just this morning- changing clothes she stomps, brushing hair she stomps. Telling her to go brush and she’s sour about it. No matter how I try to phrase it. It’s always an issue. I am trying hard to ignore her outbursts and tell her I’m here for you but pls let’s calm down. I try to ask her to breathe. She has a younger sister who is 4 and she is nowhere the same. So it can’t just be my parenting right?

Literally my 8 yo is acting out right now. I'm on DCUM to distract myself from this horrid temper tantrum. I know it will stop. I went through this stage with my older 3 who are wonderful children. It is taking a lot of my patience, but will pass. The stubbornness and perseverance of this temper tantrum (one hour in) will be redirected toward more productive goals later. Deep breath, it's normal. Also, this doozy is the first in almost a year, so there's that.

Anonymous wrote:How much YouTube, screentime with ads or mindless scrolling so she getting when home? My guess is she needs to be weened off.

My DD is like this and she get 0 of any of that. She watches 1-2 hours of ad-less television a week (episodes of Bluey or maybe a gentle kids movie) and occasionally does an academic app on her dad's tablet. She doesn't have a tablet and has never "mindlessly scrolled" in her life. The only ads she's ever seen have been on TV screens in public spaces, or during the Super Bowl or World Series.

I'm pretty anti-screen (as you can see) but it is not the root of all childhood behavior issues. Some kids are wired differently, some require a lot more effort.

How much YouTube, screentime with ads or mindless scrolling so she getting when home? My guess is she needs to be weened off.