I have a bunch of siblings only one of whom lives a long way away from my parents who are now deceased. When both my parents were dying, a few years apart, my long distance brother would fly in monthly just to have lunch and spend a little time with them and then fly back out the same day. We only knew about this from their caregiver. He didn’t tell us about his trips but it was his way of helping from afar as I knew he felt guilty given how much some of us did. Both my parents had dementia and didn’t remember his name or his visits but that didn’t stop him from coming. So while he didn’t help he did more than that.

The crux of the matter is that my brother is letting me down by not sharing the burden of my aging parents. I agree that the calculus of an individual's moral obligation can be difficult to determine - many factors to consider including personal relationship history with aging parents, how close you live to them, your financial situation, your own responsibilities at home...

I am ok with doing most of the work, but I would like to feel like my brother will try to make himself available when I'm not for emergency things like a surgery. I would like to feel less alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well first, you speak these exact words, "I have flown down five times in the past six months - spent 20+ days away from my family. You have been there twice for two days each."

And I would put it in writing. In an email to him and cc the wife.

Aside from very direct, factual frustration that you express, keep other aspects cordial.

Who will do the executor duties? Was that said? Does he have a duty in some other role? Are you going to get reimbursed for travel costs? You could explore that.

Plus, don’t cancel your trip. When your sibling sees that you are not canceling your trip, which to any rational person is more important than some kid soccer game he may step up. But if he doesn’t step up in this circumstance, then everybody knows where they stand very, very clearly.

Agree here. As much as it may be hard to do this, you need to keep this trip for your own respite from caregiving. And perhaps get more frank about reimbursement for what you are doing, at least to cover your expenses.

It is not always the daughter who steps in but it often is. Some men just don't see themselves as caregivers as they were raised to not do that work. But that doesn't make it right or acceptable now.

The reimbursement needs to come from the parents not from the sibling. Neither the sibling nor pp have an obligation to care for their parents. If pp WANTS to, that's fine. But her sibling is not OBLIGATED to.

Sorry that wasn’t clear - be more frank with her parent that she needs assistance with the travel expenses. I don’t think they should ask the sibling and I also don’t think the sibling should shoulder all of the caregiving expenses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- have you told the sibling you'd appreciate more visits or more support? Or are you suffering silently?

Yes. I have begged him to visit because I have to hear my mother cry that she hasn’t seen him or her two grandkids in 5 years. He could easily take a 7 am flight here, gets in at 8, go through airport and be where his mother lives latest by 9. Take her to brunch, hang out and take flight back at 3. He would be home by 5 at the latest. I really don’t think that is too much to do every year.

Is it possible that their parent-child relationship wasn't very good and he doesn't say it but also doesn't feel a strong bond with her?

Is it possible there are medical, financial or marital issues which he doesn't want to share with y'all.

That’s not what this post is about. Plenty of people have sucky relationships with their parents and unfortunately one kid often gets sucked into taking care of their parent. Plenty of of people have financial difficulties yet such it up and see their parent once a year if a sibling is doing all the heavy lifting. At this point I have come to the realization he is just a selfish horrid person.

This post isn’t for coming up with excuses for the absent sibling. I am interested in knowing if you are the sibling who is doing everything of you still maintain a relationship with absent sibling.

So you are acknowledging that your parents were "sucky" to your sibling, yet you think your sibling should be bending over backwards to help them now?
If you don't want to help your parent anymore, don't. Just stop. Your sibling can make his own choices. The only "selfish horrid person" here is YOU, for thinking you can demand what your sibling does with his time and money.

You need better reading comprehension. No where did I post our particular parents were sucky. I said that’s not an excuse. The absent sibling was favored. I who was the least favorite yet somehow got sucked into helping aging parent.

If every elder care giver quit taking care of their parent or relative I don’t think society could function. Ethically and logistically everyone can’t tap out and throw in the towel unless there was assisted death for elderly with dementia and other issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well first, you speak these exact words, "I have flown down five times in the past six months - spent 20+ days away from my family. You have been there twice for two days each."

And I would put it in writing. In an email to him and cc the wife.

Aside from very direct, factual frustration that you express, keep other aspects cordial.

Who will do the executor duties? Was that said? Does he have a duty in some other role? Are you going to get reimbursed for travel costs? You could explore that.

Plus, don’t cancel your trip. When your sibling sees that you are not canceling your trip, which to any rational person is more important than some kid soccer game he may step up. But if he doesn’t step up in this circumstance, then everybody knows where they stand very, very clearly.

Agree here. As much as it may be hard to do this, you need to keep this trip for your own respite from caregiving. And perhaps get more frank about reimbursement for what you are doing, at least to cover your expenses.

It is not always the daughter who steps in but it often is. Some men just don't see themselves as caregivers as they were raised to not do that work. But that doesn't make it right or acceptable now.

The reimbursement needs to come from the parents not from the sibling. Neither the sibling nor pp have an obligation to care for their parents. If pp WANTS to, that's fine. But her sibling is not OBLIGATED to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well first, you speak these exact words, "I have flown down five times in the past six months - spent 20+ days away from my family. You have been there twice for two days each."

And I would put it in writing. In an email to him and cc the wife.

Aside from very direct, factual frustration that you express, keep other aspects cordial.

Who will do the executor duties? Was that said? Does he have a duty in some other role? Are you going to get reimbursed for travel costs? You could explore that.

Plus, don’t cancel your trip. When your sibling sees that you are not canceling your trip, which to any rational person is more important than some kid soccer game he may step up. But if he doesn’t step up in this circumstance, then everybody knows where they stand very, very clearly.

Agree here. As much as it may be hard to do this, you need to keep this trip for your own respite from caregiving. And perhaps get more frank about reimbursement for what you are doing, at least to cover your expenses.

It is not always the daughter who steps in but it often is. Some men just don't see themselves as caregivers as they were raised to not do that work. But that doesn't make it right or acceptable now.

Anonymous wrote:Well first, you speak these exact words, "I have flown down five times in the past six months - spent 20+ days away from my family. You have been there twice for two days each."

And I would put it in writing. In an email to him and cc the wife.

Aside from very direct, factual frustration that you express, keep other aspects cordial.

Who will do the executor duties? Was that said? Does he have a duty in some other role? Are you going to get reimbursed for travel costs? You could explore that.

Plus, don’t cancel your trip. When your sibling sees that you are not canceling your trip, which to any rational person is more important than some kid soccer game he may step up. But if he doesn’t step up in this circumstance, then everybody knows where they stand very, very clearly.

Well first, you speak these exact words, "I have flown down five times in the past six months - spent 20+ days away from my family. You have been there twice for two days each."

And I would put it in writing. In an email to him and cc the wife.

Aside from very direct, factual frustration that you express, keep other aspects cordial.

Who will do the executor duties? Was that said? Does he have a duty in some other role? Are you going to get reimbursed for travel costs? You could explore that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the other side of this as the sibling who doesn’t help at all. My sibs know it’s because I have a terrible relationship with him and can’tnspare the money. I frankly don’t think my dad deserves any support, so I feel zero moral responsibility about how my sibs help him and not me.

+1
My parents had a very definite "golden child." Now the golden child is the only one that lives local to them (I'm about a 6 hour plane ride away, other sibling about a 3 hour plane ride) and responsible for everything-this was by my parents plan, though. Decades before their decline (and before other sibling and I moved away) they listed golden child as the POA for financial, for medical and he is the trustee of their trust, executor of their will, etc.
After decades of being treated like crap while golden child was treated like royalty, other sibling and I are done.

How does the golden child feel about it? Do you and other sibling have a relationship with golden child?

Nope. We actually did try to be supportive of him at first. But recently he has done some really sneaky things (like trying to get us to sign away our right to any inheritance) and then told us he never wanted to talk to us again because we wouldn't sign it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we still have a relationship. However, as time goes on and he is always "unavailable" to help out and all the pressure is on me, it is getting harder to not be resentful.

how does the unavailable manifest?

Dad just scheduled a surgery and needs to have help. That happens to be the only week of the year I have a trip planned for myself (booked 9 months ago) with a group of friends. I ask him to cover part of it. I'll go down for the surgery and fly out of there for my trip - he says no my kids have soccer games. His wife is very unsupportive of him helping in any way. Note: I have flown down five times in the past six months - spent 20+ days away from my family. He has been there twice for two days each. And I deal with all the day-to-day.

Got it. That sucks. I hope your dad notices all of this and adjusts will accordingly.

For awhile DH was doing it all while his sibling couldn’t do it due to schedule (has total control over their work schedule), finances (can’t pay ticket but spent six weeks in Europe last spring and extended trips out west), or logistics (tells us that we live closer to an airport than they do). A family crisis pushed them to have to take action - DH basically framed it that way and they stepped up. Will see what happens if/when it goes down again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the other side of this as the sibling who doesn’t help at all. My sibs know it’s because I have a terrible relationship with him and can’tnspare the money. I frankly don’t think my dad deserves any support, so I feel zero moral responsibility about how my sibs help him and not me.

+1
My parents had a very definite "golden child." Now the golden child is the only one that lives local to them (I'm about a 6 hour plane ride away, other sibling about a 3 hour plane ride) and responsible for everything-this was by my parents plan, though. Decades before their decline (and before other sibling and I moved away) they listed golden child as the POA for financial, for medical and he is the trustee of their trust, executor of their will, etc.
After decades of being treated like crap while golden child was treated like royalty, other sibling and I are done.

How does the golden child feel about it? Do you and other sibling have a relationship with golden child?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- have you told the sibling you'd appreciate more visits or more support? Or are you suffering silently?

Yes. I have begged him to visit because I have to hear my mother cry that she hasn’t seen him or her two grandkids in 5 years. He could easily take a 7 am flight here, gets in at 8, go through airport and be where his mother lives latest by 9. Take her to brunch, hang out and take flight back at 3. He would be home by 5 at the latest. I really don’t think that is too much to do every year.

Is it possible that their parent-child relationship wasn't very good and he doesn't say it but also doesn't feel a strong bond with her?

Is it possible there are medical, financial or marital issues which he doesn't want to share with y'all.

That’s not what this post is about. Plenty of people have sucky relationships with their parents and unfortunately one kid often gets sucked into taking care of their parent. Plenty of of people have financial difficulties yet such it up and see their parent once a year if a sibling is doing all the heavy lifting. At this point I have come to the realization he is just a selfish horrid person.

This post isn’t for coming up with excuses for the absent sibling. I am interested in knowing if you are the sibling who is doing everything of you still maintain a relationship with absent sibling.

So you are acknowledging that your parents were "sucky" to your sibling, yet you think your sibling should be bending over backwards to help them now?
If you don't want to help your parent anymore, don't. Just stop. Your sibling can make his own choices. The only "selfish horrid person" here is YOU, for thinking you can demand what your sibling does with his time and money.

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the other side of this as the sibling who doesn’t help at all. My sibs know it’s because I have a terrible relationship with him and can’tnspare the money. I frankly don’t think my dad deserves any support, so I feel zero moral responsibility about how my sibs help him and not me.

+1
My parents had a very definite "golden child." Now the golden child is the only one that lives local to them (I'm about a 6 hour plane ride away, other sibling about a 3 hour plane ride) and responsible for everything-this was by my parents plan, though. Decades before their decline (and before other sibling and I moved away) they listed golden child as the POA for financial, for medical and he is the trustee of their trust, executor of their will, etc.
After decades of being treated like crap while golden child was treated like royalty, other sibling and I are done.

Did 5 years of chauffeuring, getting to/from doctor/dental/eye, weekly grocery shopping, pharmacy, troubleshooting computer/printer issues, running over whenever something came up. The last few years were time consuming especially with all of the Covid logistics. There was always a shoe dropping from out of the blue, combine that with me having teenagers…It was very difficult on me. About a year ago it became clear that I could no longer do it alone. Thank god my siblings stepped up to help out and pretty much took over. It’s been a good year for me, a very needed year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we still have a relationship. However, as time goes on and he is always "unavailable" to help out and all the pressure is on me, it is getting harder to not be resentful.

how does the unavailable manifest?

Dad just scheduled a surgery and needs to have help. That happens to be the only week of the year I have a trip planned for myself (booked 9 months ago) with a group of friends. I ask him to cover part of it. I'll go down for the surgery and fly out of there for my trip - he says no my kids have soccer games. His wife is very unsupportive of him helping in any way. Note: I have flown down five times in the past six months - spent 20+ days away from my family. He has been there twice for two days each. And I deal with all the day-to-day.