I'm the 23:35 poster.

If you ever are physically laid up and can't go over for several weeks simply tell her you hired someone who will be stopping by while you are out.

I saw a lot of outside agency personnel at our local assisted living places.

I got a personal therapist.

I'm getting a massage tomorrow and a massage the following day.

Next week I'm getting a pedicure.

Take care of yourself first. I'm exhausted from caring for Mom.

[quote=Anonymous]

It's also worth noting that your own children will be watching and learning the golden rule. Whatever you decide, I encourage you to talk to them about your decision-making process so they can see you care about so many things. [/quote]

Oh gosh, no, my kids have unfortunately watched me deal with this relative at their expense, actually. They don't understand why I have sacrificed my life for this person. No, they aren't learning the lesson you might hope they would learn at all "the golden rule". ?? WTF is that about? I wish this relative I care for cared as much about ME and my kids as he does about himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

Woah, I hope you're not in my family. At the end of life, family matters. To so blithely say use money as a replacement strikes me as insanely cold. I'd wager your politics are on the left, too.

Wait, what? I've cared for this person for over a decade. And he isn't at the end of life - nowhere near it. But he just has become dependent on me for everything, not because he has to, but because it is just easier for him - and I just won't have it any longer. My own health and sanity are being sacrificed to provide this care for him that he *could* manage by himself (or yes, hire someone to do it), it's just less convenient for him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

Woah, I hope you're not in my family. At the end of life, family matters. To so blithely say use money as a replacement strikes me as insanely cold. I'd wager your politics are on the left, too.

As for OP, adults have responsibilities to children and parents. In the modern world, those are hard, maybe impossible, to balance. An adult's first priority, however, is almost always to the children. If the older relative did not invest in his/her own family and children, it's quite selfish to expect you to sacrifice the well-being of your children now. I agree with the budgeting time comments, except you should start by calculating what your husband and children need before determining how much energy you can put into this relative.

It's also worth noting that your own children will be watching and learning the golden rule. Whatever you decide, I encourage you to talk to them about your decision-making process so they can see you care about so many things.

Good luck.

It is so obvious you are not in the trenches dealing with an elderly difficult relative. I really hate when people bring up -your children are watching so sacrifice your life to the elderly person. No way. I tell my kids I would rather die than subject them to the burden of dealing with me if I get dementia. That kind is used to guilt daughters into sacrificing their lives. No one expects sons to sacrifice.

Anonymous wrote:"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

Woah, I hope you're not in my family. At the end of life, family matters. To so blithely say use money as a replacement strikes me as insanely cold. I'd wager your politics are on the left, too.

As for OP, adults have responsibilities to children and parents. In the modern world, those are hard, maybe impossible, to balance. An adult's first priority, however, is almost always to the children. If the older relative did not invest in his/her own family and children, it's quite selfish to expect you to sacrifice the well-being of your children now. I agree with the budgeting time comments, except you should start by calculating what your husband and children need before determining how much energy you can put into this relative.

It's also worth noting that your own children will be watching and learning the golden rule. Whatever you decide, I encourage you to talk to them about your decision-making process so they can see you care about so many things.

Good luck.

Op

You are awesome and doing an amazing job even if your elderly person says otherwise. Don’t listen to that unhappy grump.

Have you read of the Drama Triangle? I’ll explain…

I wonder if any of you are my siblings. So many of these people you describe are like my mother in her ALF complaining away.

My mother won’t do most activities and I’ve had to listen to the entire list and about how walking club did not work (she tried it once five months ago) and how watching a movie on TV doesn’t count as an activity because she can do that on her own…

Well, it is on her that she didn’t develop hobbies that she could do in old age. It’s not my job to entertain her every day.

I stepped into the rescuer role while she played victim. Quickly, I realized what I did and stepped back from being the rescuer. Eventually, she could not continue as the victim.

Op—If you stop playing your role in the triangle, the other person won’t be able to continue their unpleasant role.

Reading about the Drama Triangle helped me a lot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had to have a pointed Come to Jesus discussion with my own relative.

"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

Wow you are mean. I absolutely help my parents by arranging visits with relatives and family and putting movies on for them to watch and giving them books

Sure, if you feel like it, and if they appreciate it. But now imagine that they want to watch a movie, but insist that you (and only you - it has to be you) have to be the one to come and put it one for them and watch it with them - not just occasionally but twice a week. They refuse to consider someone else could help them - a hired aide, a neighbor, a friend, someone from the facility they live in. No, it has to be you, or else they won't even watch it.

Anonymous wrote:After 5 years of dealing with my mother and two siblings who don’t help out, I now lie like crazy. First when you call her say you aren’t feeling well. The next day say you have COVID and need to test. Then take a two week break. Don’t visit for 2 weeks and keep the calls really brief. Like under 2 minutes.

I use other excuses all the time. Plumbing emergency, traveling for work, visiting in laws, child is sick, husband is sick, etc. You absolutely can’t reason with old people who think the world revolves around them. They just don’t care that you are missing tine with your own kids, your marriage is suffering, your job is stressful, your mental health is tanking, etc. They just want and take. It’s taken me 5 years to realize this. I don’t care now if my mom calls crying how awful her life is in an AL place. I have to prioritize me.

You are way ahead of me. It took me more like 10 years to realize it even though an aging care expert told me with almost all of her clients, whether the adult children visit daily, weekly, monthly or just yearly, nothing is enough and they complain and become me-centered. Keep in mind not all become like this, but those of us who hire people to manage things do so because we finally lose our minds and cannot take another complaint. You are right there is no reasoning. You just have to state as fact you are busy and cannot do x, y, z. My mother will behave 80% of the time for strangers and it forces her to exercise her brain by using her rusty and eroding social skills.

After 5 years of dealing with my mother and two siblings who don’t help out, I now lie like crazy. First when you call her say you aren’t feeling well. The next day say you have COVID and need to test. Then take a two week break. Don’t visit for 2 weeks and keep the calls really brief. Like under 2 minutes.

I use other excuses all the time. Plumbing emergency, traveling for work, visiting in laws, child is sick, husband is sick, etc. You absolutely can’t reason with old people who think the world revolves around them. They just don’t care that you are missing tine with your own kids, your marriage is suffering, your job is stressful, your mental health is tanking, etc. They just want and take. It’s taken me 5 years to realize this. I don’t care now if my mom calls crying how awful her life is in an AL place. I have to prioritize me.

Anonymous wrote:I also could’ve written something similar to this. I moved my parent into an AL place and have taken over POA while having a family (young kids) and demanding job of my own. It’s only been half a year, but it never ends. We visit my parent and they always want more, more, more despite parent being VERY active in the community and activities. But parent is a narcissist, was a neglectful and terrible parent, yet here I am… I even am contemplating getting on anti anxiety or anti depressants because the burden has been so much on my stress levels trying to keep everything afloat while feeling like I have zero time to even exercise or spend any time on myself. Sorry this isn’t more cheerful or uplifting, but wanted you to know there are many of us like you out there. There is so much guilt for women especially in society to give, give, give - even if the parent we are helping is undeserving.

absolutely recommend doing this! In my first marriage, we were stuck at an impasse where my spouse and our couples therapist insisted that we weren't making progress because I was depressed. I insisted that we weren't making progress because the situation sucked, which made me depressed. I met separately with a psychopharmacologist, who put me on antidepressants. The antidepressants didn't do anything to make me happier (because the situation sucked), but within two weeks, the medication turned off that internal setting where I put everyone else's needs before my own. It's kind of exhilarating to put ones own needs first, without GAF about how it would impact other people. It allowed me to cut bait, and do what I needed to for me- end the marriage. I moved out, got off antidepressants (because honestly I was really kind of mean without the tempering influence of considering other people), and haven't needed them in 20 years because it did give me the skills to recognize when I needed to put my own needs before the other people, even when difficult. Also still friends with ex-spouse, because while a decent person they were not good for me as a partner.

I agree with those who say you’re doing a great, even heroic job and need to emotionally detach. Decide the amount of time you are willing to give, give that as a gift, and do not feel any guilt or pressure at all to give more. Put your kids and your own life first and if those are suffering do less for the relative and more for yourself.

I know it’s sad and stressful. It’s hard when someone seems so helpless and fragile and is so unhappy. One thing that I keep reminding myself that the elderly ones I am caring for now ** made their own choices ** that put them in this situation of being so isolated and alone. I feel sorry for them but I cannot solve their existential need for meaning because everyone must do that work themselves. What’s more, these people are, within the limits of their age and reduced capacity, *continuing* to make choices that seem unwise to me. For example, I’m going to try to get my mother into therapy and I know she will not agree to do it. Horses, water, etc. etc. Don’t work harder to solve their problems than they are.

I also could’ve written something similar to this. I moved my parent into an AL place and have taken over POA while having a family (young kids) and demanding job of my own. It’s only been half a year, but it never ends. We visit my parent and they always want more, more, more despite parent being VERY active in the community and activities. But parent is a narcissist, was a neglectful and terrible parent, yet here I am… I even am contemplating getting on anti anxiety or anti depressants because the burden has been so much on my stress levels trying to keep everything afloat while feeling like I have zero time to even exercise or spend any time on myself. Sorry this isn’t more cheerful or uplifting, but wanted you to know there are many of us like you out there. There is so much guilt for women especially in society to give, give, give - even if the parent we are helping is undeserving.

Anonymous wrote:I have had to have a pointed Come to Jesus discussion with my own relative.

"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

Wow you are mean. I absolutely help my parents by arranging visits with relatives and family and putting movies on for them to watch and giving them books

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had to have a pointed Come to Jesus discussion with my own relative.

"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

When they're at the stage of Never Happy, And Sometimes Angry For No Reason... they have dementia. I'm not sure OP's relative can change for the better, even with your pep talk. They'll probably start to cry or pout, and make themselves out to be the victim. And then OP will be either forced to apologize and make-up for her offense, or walk out and enforce her boundaries. If you get there, OP, choose the latter.

OK, if they actually have dementia or are senile - but OP didn't say that.