Anonymous
10/17/2023 18:07
Subject: Massive long tantrum yesterday
I clicked on the wrong forum but this thread brought back memories. Mine is 8.5 and until recently I would have told you she didn’t tantrum at that age. But I was going through old videos and apparently some of her tantrums were so insane and irrational that I preserved them for posterity.
Her tantrums included a breadstick being broken in half, the risk of the dog potentially getting dog hair near a toy setup that she had setup in *his* space, and being told she couldn’t open a jar of fancy granola that someone had sent as a gift.
Sometimes I just had to let them play out and she would tantrum herself asleep. From the videos, I’m reminded that my DH would get so reactive and angry during her tantrums that I retired him from being involved- his inability to handle the emotions and sensory overload from those incidents is a big reason that I’ve evolved into the primary parent. He also has ADHD and HFA (diagnosed by a doctor, not me). You might consider that you or DH have your own challenges that make tantrums especially hard for you to tolerate.
Her tantrums included a breadstick being broken in half, the risk of the dog potentially getting dog hair near a toy setup that she had setup in *his* space, and being told she couldn’t open a jar of fancy granola that someone had sent as a gift.
Sometimes I just had to let them play out and she would tantrum herself asleep. From the videos, I’m reminded that my DH would get so reactive and angry during her tantrums that I retired him from being involved- his inability to handle the emotions and sensory overload from those incidents is a big reason that I’ve evolved into the primary parent. He also has ADHD and HFA (diagnosed by a doctor, not me). You might consider that you or DH have your own challenges that make tantrums especially hard for you to tolerate.
Anonymous
10/16/2023 19:22
Subject: Massive long tantrum yesterday
Anonymous wrote:Hi, we had a helluva day yesterday. Our 2.5 year old had a great active morning, then skipped his nap and started melting down around 3:30pm. And it just wouldn’t stop. My husband got so mad, he started yelling like I’ve never heard him before at our son. Putting him in time out wasn’t working, and they were just yelling at each other. They both seem to have lost it. And the son is just yelling back and being defiant. At 2…! Finally, I decided to change the environment and go outside. So I say “let’s go to the store for a cookie.” That starts a whole getting dressed tantrum and the “I want the cookie and I don’t want the cookie” tantrum. We finally get out of the house. He’s clipped into the stroller and he’s now yelling outside and pulling down his pants because he doesn’t want “those pants.” So we change pants in the middle of the park and I start carrying him and pushing the stroller. Exhausting as he would not let me put him back in the stroller, but at least he wasn’t not screaming as much anymore. By the time we got to the store, he was calm and got the cookie. It all just feels so exhausting and emotionally draining. The husband yelling, then offering a cookie and taking him out of the house. Does anyone else feel like everything they do ends up being the wrong thing? How do you intervene with a spouse who’s also having a meltdown, or walk back a wrong idea with a toddler (think cookie) after it’s been mentioned? Still upset and it’s already the next day…
Why didn't you just put him in his bed and let him scream? You and your DH are as bad as the toddler!
Anonymous
10/16/2023 10:03
Subject: Massive long tantrum yesterday
Anonymous wrote:I think it really sucks that you can’t trust your husband to keep his sh!t together, but you can’t. So give up on him.
Stop trying to “solve” whatever your toddler is complaining about. He actually WANTS you to hold on to reality. “Those pants and fine and those are the pants we’re wearing.” Repeat a few times and then just ignore.
You need a safe room in your house where you can just ride it out. If he hits you, hold his hands gently but firmly and say “I won’t let you hit me.”
Agree with this. Sometimes just being very clear and decisive during a tantrum is really comforting to kids this age. Don't give them choices when they are in this state. Just tell them clearly how it's going to go and then do it. "We're going to put these pants back on so you don't freeze, and then you and I are going to walk around the block to get our blood pumping. We're going to hold hands all the way except when we get back to our block, you get to run as hard as you can until you get back to our house, and doing that is going to make you feel better, I promise. Let's go."
They feel out of control and it is really comforting to them to just be told what to do in a firm but gentle and loving way.
Also, my kid hates being told to take a deep breath but at that age I could pick her up and hold her and if I did deep breathing, she'd just automatically start doing it too. So if he'll let you pick him up and hold him close without hitting you or harming you, I'd try doing that and then focus on regulating your own body through breathing. You can also do this thing where you squeeze him very tight for the inhale, and then loosen your grip for the exhale, which is soothing and can help him get into a rhythm that feels slowed and calm.