Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:53
Subject: Re:girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:If it were me and I was having heartburn about paying for son’s partner, I’d plan a different less expensive vacation where I would be willing to pay. There is no way that I would ask the partner to pay if I weren’t expecting my own kids to pay. It will forever change your relationship with your son and likely will poison the relationship with his partner for a long time to come.
I agree with this. I met my dh at age 20 and we got married at 25/26.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:50
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:
25 year old son has had several very serious girlfriends, a bit of a serial monogamist and very focused on getting married. Moved in with current girlfriend after just a few months of dating. It's now been another six months or so, and they do absolutely everything together - there is no "I" anymore, just "we." We love the girlfriend, she's great and we hope they stay together. But do we need to invite her on family vacation to an expensive faraway place next spring? We are already buying the tickets. I am sure son will angle for her to come. We've settled on not mentioning her, and if he asks we say we would love for her to join but they need to buy the plane ticket? Is that fair? Who knows if they will still be together next year. And also, is it selfish to want to have family together without girlfriend? While she is great, we never ever see son alone anymore. How do people navigate this?
If you want his happiness, treat his partner as such. If you want your happiness, do the opposite.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:49
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:Why would you need to see him “alone”?
Funny how you say “we” never see him alone. So you and DH are a package deal, and that’s fine, but son needs to visit “alone”?
How very interesting.
Um they are the parents. Of course it's "we".
Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:49
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:You need to offer to pay the full trip for both. They are adults living on their own. They are independent. He’s probably one step away from marriage. Start treating him like that.
Wait, so they’re INDEPENDENT adults who are living on their own, but you’re saying OP should pay for them as if they’re in high school without any financial means?
Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:48
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:Exclude her and you are likely to pay the price in your relationship with her, him, or both. Can you not afford the extra ticket for her or are you just jealous of her or bitter that he is now part of a “we”? (Your annoyance at that plural pronoun is telling.)
Invite her and get her a ticket and they will love you and feel connected; don’t—and pay the price you’ve been warned about.
Ding ding ding! OP will ignore you, but you are 100% correct.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:47
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Add me to the list of people who think 25 is too old to be going on a “family vacation.” Just drop this custom altogether.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:45
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
You should not be going on such an extravagant vacation -which you alone are hosting- if 1 more ticket is a problem. Or 1 less.
One less because, you should not assume your adult son will go. Something could get in the way of his plans, in or out of his control.
Think hard re: whether you are using this particular trip, an extravagant trip, as a way to assure (demand in advance) his participation.
One less because, you should not assume your adult son will go. Something could get in the way of his plans, in or out of his control.
Think hard re: whether you are using this particular trip, an extravagant trip, as a way to assure (demand in advance) his participation.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:43
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Agree with everyone else - offer to pay in full for both, but get refundable tickets or an airline where you will use the credits. By near year, maybe they will be engaged and want to save vacation days for their honeymoon or just a for the two of them. Or they could have broken up by then, but I would certainly not mention that as a possibility!
Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:42
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Exclude her and you are likely to pay the price in your relationship with her, him, or both. Can you not afford the extra ticket for her or are you just jealous of her or bitter that he is now part of a “we”? (Your annoyance at that plural pronoun is telling.)
Invite her and get her a ticket and they will love you and feel connected; don’t—and pay the price you’ve been warned about.
Invite her and get her a ticket and they will love you and feel connected; don’t—and pay the price you’ve been warned about.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 14:37
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
You need to offer to pay the full trip for both. They are adults living on their own. They are independent. He’s probably one step away from marriage. Start treating him like that.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 13:57
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:Also on the side of openly inviting her just as you would your son. Paying one ticket (even if it's expensive) is a vanishingly small price to pay to start out on good terms and make your son feel supported. And you even like her! 25 year olds also often have very limited vacation time so may not want to go alone with you (especially if they need to start banking days for a honeymoon). Yes, you are entering a new stage of life in which you should expect less alone time with your son.
I agree with this poster. It’s a small price to pay and adjusting yourself to the two together is a good idea.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 13:50
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Imagine back when you were young and just starting your career. You’re dating the man you think you’re going to marry and your future MIL invites you to join the vacation that she planned asking as you pay for it. But of course she’ll cover costs for your boyfriend. Would you go?
Even if your boyfriend ends up paying for you—which let’s be real—is the most likely outcome, it still needlessly sours the relationship between you and your future DIL.
Even if your boyfriend ends up paying for you—which let’s be real—is the most likely outcome, it still needlessly sours the relationship between you and your future DIL.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 13:39
Subject: girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:I would suggest you start letting go of the “family vacation” idea at this point, especially one that requires a lot of expense and advance planning. That’s not really compatible with adult life.
This.
But if you feel the need to do a family vacation and HE LIVE WITH HER, then yes. You need to pay for her the same way you’re paying for the other “kids.”
Ona side note, going on a vacation with my parents when I was 25 would have been the last thing I’d want to do. With a newish career and limited vacation, I’d rather be with my SO or friends
Anonymous
10/08/2023 13:22
Subject: Re:girlfriend on family vacation?
Anonymous wrote:How do people navigate this?
They recognize that their 25 year old son is an adult with his own leave at work, his own finances to go on vacations and his own desires to spend time with his significant other.
It’s not a good look when you’re planning a trip that automatically includes him. Whether or not he has a girlfriend, you don’t assume he’s going to be part of what you deem is a “family vacation.” Again, HE’S 25.
Your use of the word “angle” is telling. If he asks about his significant other attending, he’s not trying to be manipulative, which is what the word “angle” implies.
What to do:
Let him know you’re planning a trip to Coconut Island and would love to include him and Larla if their schedules allow. Knowing the young people might be more strapped for money, you’re in a position to split the cost of the tickets with them and pay half. Give them a week to check their calendars and get back to you either way. Be fine with whatever their answer is.
Yup. Although I wouldn’t frame it as “strapped for cash,” I would frame it as “you might have different priorities.”
Because even if 25yo can afford YOUR trip, they may prefer to go elsewhere, without you.
Anonymous
10/08/2023 13:18
Subject: Re:girlfriend on family vacation?
How do people navigate this?
They recognize that their 25 year old son is an adult with his own leave at work, his own finances to go on vacations and his own desires to spend time with his significant other.
It’s not a good look when you’re planning a trip that automatically includes him. Whether or not he has a girlfriend, you don’t assume he’s going to be part of what you deem is a “family vacation.” Again, HE’S 25.
Your use of the word “angle” is telling. If he asks about his significant other attending, he’s not trying to be manipulative, which is what the word “angle” implies.
What to do:
Let him know you’re planning a trip to Coconut Island and would love to include him and Larla if their schedules allow. Knowing the young people might be more strapped for money, you’re in a position to split the cost of the tickets with them and pay half. Give them a week to check their calendars and get back to you either way. Be fine with whatever their answer is.
They recognize that their 25 year old son is an adult with his own leave at work, his own finances to go on vacations and his own desires to spend time with his significant other.
It’s not a good look when you’re planning a trip that automatically includes him. Whether or not he has a girlfriend, you don’t assume he’s going to be part of what you deem is a “family vacation.” Again, HE’S 25.
Your use of the word “angle” is telling. If he asks about his significant other attending, he’s not trying to be manipulative, which is what the word “angle” implies.
What to do:
Let him know you’re planning a trip to Coconut Island and would love to include him and Larla if their schedules allow. Knowing the young people might be more strapped for money, you’re in a position to split the cost of the tickets with them and pay half. Give them a week to check their calendars and get back to you either way. Be fine with whatever their answer is.