Don't ask your kids.

If you're miserable and your mental health suffers, then get out. If there's abuse, get out.

Whatever happens, make it okay for them to talk about their feelings. They don't have power over the decision to divorce or not, but that doesn't mean they won't have feelings either way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

Your friends are saying that AS ADULTS - with the life experience and understanding of relationships that comes with adulthood.

That is so unbelievably inappropriate no matter their ages. Make your own decision for you and then minimize the harm to the kids by acting like an adult.

Perhaps go to therapy while you are at it. If you seriously considered asking their kids to weigh in, I question your judgment as a parent and you are probably going to continue to overshare, bad mouth your spouse, and/or adultify your kids.

Imagine they say yes and you divorce- they think it’s their fault. Imagine they say no and you divorce anyway - why would they ever trust you again?

Anonymous wrote:Terrible idea. Kids don't really understand divorce. They want the fighting to stop, and they are likely to say what they think the adults want to hear, so they might say yes to divorce. But they don't understand the complexities of finances, step families, elder care, second marriage divorces and the loss that entails for them, etc. They aren't going to be able to express a truly meaningful preference. So don't ask them.

Just because your friends say they wished their parents had divorced, does not mean it would have been appropriate for your friends to be asked that question.

or that they would have been happier, grass is always greener. The financial impact of divorce can be devastating, plus spending holidays with a series of strangers, potentially losing inheritance to step sibs, having to be primary caretaker of older parent due to divorce, etc.

I mean, I wouldn’t ask, but I often told my mom she should get divorced when I was an older kid and teenager. My parents hated each other. My father was cold and aloof, and treated us both pretty badly. Not abuse. Just no love or affection. But I guess she was scared to do it financially, and she says she doesn’t regret it now that they’re old. But he’s still pretty awful and sometimes I am not aware of how much it all affected me and then realize how weird my world view is compared to a lot of other people.

But I don’t think I could or would ask my kid what they thought unless it was in the context of therapy and having an outside person ask them about their feelings. It can be pretty traumatic living in a very actively unhappy and tense household.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone asked their children on whether or not they should get divorced? Is it too traumatizing to ask them? If you did ask them, did you act according to their wishes?

No because guilt of making the wrong decision would weigh them down later no matter if they recommended staying or divorcing because you two would keep having issues as their advice isn't going to magically fix everything.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask but my child shared her fears about our relationship and gave me a clearly thought out pro/con list. It’s messed up because she sees the situation for all its gray areas as clearly as I do. I told her that’s for grownups to figure out and she comes first and that adults have to make and live with their own choices. She concluded with “I wish daddy would always go on work trips” and I kind of agree.

It helps to hear her say these things because in my mind I think, DC, you are a wise and generous little creature and even though your dad is a hot mess and unkind to boot, some of the best parts of you must come from him so what about our relationship is redeemable?

That’s where I’m at now.

Where you are now is trying to turn your kids against their father. Disgusting.

Absolutely not, totally inappropriate to ask a kid this. If it’s so hard for YOU to figure out what to do, then get counseling for YOU.

My kids don't even have a good opinion on what to have for dinner. No.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask but my child shared her fears about our relationship and gave me a clearly thought out pro/con list. It’s messed up because she sees the situation for all its gray areas as clearly as I do. I told her that’s for grownups to figure out and she comes first and that adults have to make and live with their own choices. She concluded with “I wish daddy would always go on work trips” and I kind of agree.

It helps to hear her say these things because in my mind I think, DC, you are a wise and generous little creature and even though your dad is a hot mess and unkind to boot, some of the best parts of you must come from him so what about our relationship is redeemable?

That’s where I’m at now.

This was the same kid that once rebuked a racist in public and everyone on the bus applauded, right?

Anonymous wrote:Why would you ask a child about something that does't involve them and is an adult choice that they ultimately have no say. If they say they don't want you to divorce, then what?

WTF? Divorce absolutely involves the kids. Powerful, lifelong effects on them.

Doesn't mean they should be asked about it, though.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone asked their children on whether or not they should get divorced? Is it too traumatizing to ask them? If you did ask them, did you act according to their wishes?

Do you ask your children what positions in bed you should try?

My parent asked and I said: 'heck yes'. You left out what else is going on.
My parents didn't get along and my father was physically and mentally abusive towards my mother. Had he been only mentally abusive, I still would have wanted him out. I wanted him gone.
I chose my mom and that was the reason they didn't divorce. I had to live with witnessing this abuse until sixteen and left for boarding school.

There are ways of talking to your kids and really listening to them, that don't involve straight up asking.

And even if your kids are clamoring for a divorce, it doesn't mean they won't be unhappy later. Don't ever make your kids feel like they have any responsibility for your choices. It's a tough burden.

(I suggested to my mom she divorce. But I did so without fully understanding my parents' marriage. She did not take me up on that offer... Overall, my life was still easier because they stayed together. I just hated to see her denigrated.)

Anonymous wrote:Totally shouldn't put that on the kids. Not their responsibility to decide such a thing.

+1. Can't imagine putting that responsibility on my kid -- if they yes, and you divorce, they're going to feel like it's their fault. Or if they say no and you stay and they see you unhappy. So unfair to kids.