Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with ASD who was diagnosed at age 2. We have only told very select people. My parents, in-laws and some of our siblings are not part of the list in the know.
You don’t have to immediately announce to everyone, especially if they’re not going to be supportive and end up creating more anxiety.

OP here. I should mention that my parents live in the area. We see them every week and they babysit from time to time. If DD is diagnosed and begins more therapies we may ask for their help more often. I don't think it will be sustainable to keep the diagnosis (if she gets it) from them long term.

Unfortunately, this is why you care. If you didn't need anything from her/them you wouldn't have a problem keeping it to yourself. This is a common problem with adult children of difficult parents when the AD needs varying types of help.

That said, if you do need the help then after the official diagnosis (if you get it) I would just say: Larla was just diagnosed with ASD, and we are in the process of putting together a strong plan to support her.

If your mom says: Why didn't you tell me before? You just have to be strong here. Kind but firm. Mom, we are finding out way through this as best we can. This is where we are now.

People only needle if you show weakness. It's like with a bully. Bully only bully when they sense weakness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe the ASD apple has not fallen far from the anxiety grand-tree.

OP here. It comes from both sides. And fyi, not a fan of using ASD as some cheap shot at anyone, even if they can be awful sometimes.

Personally, I found my child's diagnosis caused me to view my entire extended family with a lot more compassion. What once seemed like annoying personality flaws now seems like things they struggle with and because of their generation, never received much help.

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

+ infinity

Anonymous wrote:Aah, this takes me back.

In our case, I always suspected my son of being on the spectrum, but he had more pressing needs and he initially received a formal diagnosis of ADHD, so he could have medication for his severe type of inattention. That was a years-long process, because my husband was against meds for so long. I kept telling my family and friends that DS also had traits of high-functioning autism. No formal ASD diagnosis was necessary in school, since he had all the therapies and accommodations he needed without it.

He finally did get an ASD diagnosis at 17, in view of getting residential accommodations in college (private room and bath). The day I told my mother he'd received that diagnosis, SHE FREAKED OUT.

The moral of this story is that people are a little dumb. If they're going to freak out, that's what they'll do, no matter how you prepare the terrain beforehand. My mother had about 15 years to think about it, because her daughter (me), a geneticist and research scientist, told her about the ASD symptoms she was seeing and mitigating with therapies, social skills groups, etc. And yet she still blew a gasket when the diagnosis was official. As if her grandson had changed, and was suddenly a different person! Pffft.

So, please don't agonize over different scenarios. She'll freak out no matter what, and it will be HER fault, not yours. Given this truth, if I were you, I'd tell her later rather than sooner. And when she asks why you didn't tell her before, you'll say: "I knew you'd freak out."

Ugh, that's terrible.

And thank you for saying this.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe the ASD apple has not fallen far from the anxiety grand-tree.

OP here. It comes from both sides. And fyi, not a fan of using ASD as some cheap shot at anyone, even if they can be awful sometimes.

Aah, this takes me back.

In our case, I always suspected my son of being on the spectrum, but he had more pressing needs and he initially received a formal diagnosis of ADHD, so he could have medication for his severe type of inattention. That was a years-long process, because my husband was against meds for so long. I kept telling my family and friends that DS also had traits of high-functioning autism. No formal ASD diagnosis was necessary in school, since he had all the therapies and accommodations he needed without it.

He finally did get an ASD diagnosis at 17, in view of getting residential accommodations in college (private room and bath). The day I told my mother he'd received that diagnosis, SHE FREAKED OUT.

The moral of this story is that people are a little dumb. If they're going to freak out, that's what they'll do, no matter how you prepare the terrain beforehand. My mother had about 15 years to think about it, because her daughter (me), a geneticist and research scientist, told her about the ASD symptoms she was seeing and mitigating with therapies, social skills groups, etc. And yet she still blew a gasket when the diagnosis was official. As if her grandson had changed, and was suddenly a different person! Pffft.

So, please don't agonize over different scenarios. She'll freak out no matter what, and it will be HER fault, not yours. Given this truth, if I were you, I'd tell her later rather than sooner. And when she asks why you didn't tell her before, you'll say: "I knew you'd freak out."

Sounds like maybe the ASD apple has not fallen far from the anxiety grand-tree.

Anonymous wrote:I predict the diagnosis itself will take up the majority of oxygen in the room. Sure, she might comment on her late notice, but the problem is big enough to take up the focus.

It depends on the person. Clearly, you assume the mom/daughter are normal with a normal relationship, but what if she's/they are not...

I was pregnant with twins after 5 miscarriages and I didn't tell my mom until after I lost 1 twin and still carried the second (maybe 10 weeks pregnant). All my mom focused on was thay she was not the first person to know about my pregnancy. Just to be clear, I only told my husband! She didn't speak to me until the baby was 5 months old and caused me great stress throughout the already stressful pregnancy - triangulating people, back stabbing ,etc, etc. Oh, and she didn't hold back in telling me I was a horrible person, horrible daughter, and horrible mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had to do this with my own mother. She's a giant pain when she's anxious, and she cannot at all cope with difficult things. She wants to be supportive but her "support" comes in the form of constantly hassling me. I've had to draw some hard lines, like packing up and leaving her house, because she can't get herself under control. There are certain things I won't discuss with her, and I tell her straight out "You know I won't discuss that with you." [Long awkward pause].

I think you can tell them and let her freak out, and take this as an opportunity to start drawing boundaries. Knowing that she will react very negatively and your father is used to enabling her so he might put a lot of pressure on you to continue enabling her. But if you stay strong, it might work.

Or you can find another means of child care help. Sometimes the easiest way to pay for things is with money.

OP here. LOL yes this is my mother exactly. I will say when she is not anxious, she can be wonderful. She has improved a lot over the last several years. She has been getting therapy and medication for her anxiety. But with something new like this, she will freak out. When that happens, I don't always respond well. And that's why I haven't told her yet.

I don't want to cut her out of DD's life. DD adores her and especially my dad. We can afford babysitters, this is not a money issue.

Have your DH be there when you tell her, and rehearse in advance what you'll do. Plan out some breathing exercises to stay calm. Say "Mom, I know this is a lot to process. We are going to go now, and give you some time to think it over." And then stand up and leave. She's going to react poorly and that's the fact of the matter here. You need to show her that you are no longer her support person, and she's going to react poorly to that too. But if you stay the course, she will eventually find a way to cope.

As for the idea of never telling her, I think that depends. If you think she'll figure it out on her own, may as well tell her now. Get a babysitter to help with the appointments and make grandparent time purely social.

Anonymous wrote:I've had to do this with my own mother. She's a giant pain when she's anxious, and she cannot at all cope with difficult things. She wants to be supportive but her "support" comes in the form of constantly hassling me. I've had to draw some hard lines, like packing up and leaving her house, because she can't get herself under control. There are certain things I won't discuss with her, and I tell her straight out "You know I won't discuss that with you." [Long awkward pause].

I think you can tell them and let her freak out, and take this as an opportunity to start drawing boundaries. Knowing that she will react very negatively and your father is used to enabling her so he might put a lot of pressure on you to continue enabling her. But if you stay strong, it might work.

Or you can find another means of child care help. Sometimes the easiest way to pay for things is with money.

OP here. LOL yes this is my mother exactly. I will say when she is not anxious, she can be wonderful. She has improved a lot over the last several years. She has been getting therapy and medication for her anxiety. But with something new like this, she will freak out. When that happens, I don't always respond well. And that's why I haven't told her yet.

I don't want to cut her out of DD's life. DD adores her and especially my dad. We can afford babysitters, this is not a money issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with ASD who was diagnosed at age 2. We have only told very select people. My parents, in-laws and some of our siblings are not part of the list in the know.
You don’t have to immediately announce to everyone, especially if they’re not going to be supportive and end up creating more anxiety.

OP here. I should mention that my parents live in the area. We see them every week and they babysit from time to time. If DD is diagnosed and begins more therapies we may ask for their help more often. I don't think it will be sustainable to keep the diagnosis (if she gets it) from them long term.

Hire the help you need.

I've had to do this with my own mother. She's a giant pain when she's anxious, and she cannot at all cope with difficult things. She wants to be supportive but her "support" comes in the form of constantly hassling me. I've had to draw some hard lines, like packing up and leaving her house, because she can't get herself under control. There are certain things I won't discuss with her, and I tell her straight out "You know I won't discuss that with you." [Long awkward pause].

I think you can tell them and let her freak out, and take this as an opportunity to start drawing boundaries. Knowing that she will react very negatively and your father is used to enabling her so he might put a lot of pressure on you to continue enabling her. But if you stay strong, it might work.

Or you can find another means of child care help. Sometimes the easiest way to pay for things is with money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

OP here - I'm curious, what do you mean by this? I don't doubt that my relationship with my mother is unhealthy in many ways. I'd love to hear an outsider's perspective. I don't know what it is like to have a different type of mother.

I'm not the person who said this, but it sounds like you've been accommodating your mother's anxiety and tendency to "freak out" and make demands of you for many years. But when we grow up and have our own children to care for, it's time for our parents' needs to take a back seat. Prioritize your child and your own well-being, and let your mom freak out on her own time. Tell her "I didn't tell you because the way you are reacting is stressful and unhelpful. Let's talk when you are calmer." And then hang up the phone.

It's okay for your mother to experience the consequences of her choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

OP here - I'm curious, what do you mean by this? I don't doubt that my relationship with my mother is unhealthy in many ways. I'd love to hear an outsider's perspective. I don't know what it is like to have a different type of mother.

Not the immediate pp but someone who responded earlier. You're worried that your mom will be hurt if she found out that the appointment was made months in advance. You're worried enough to make a thread about how to manage that worry. She should be supporting you during this trying journey, instead you're walking on eggshells around her. This is a truly unhealthy dynamic and no doubt one that has been lifetime in the making. I had a difficult mom with anxiety disorder too and I feel you.

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with ASD who was diagnosed at age 2. We have only told very select people. My parents, in-laws and some of our siblings are not part of the list in the know.
You don’t have to immediately announce to everyone, especially if they’re not going to be supportive and end up creating more anxiety.

OP here. I should mention that my parents live in the area. We see them every week and they babysit from time to time. If DD is diagnosed and begins more therapies we may ask for their help more often. I don't think it will be sustainable to keep the diagnosis (if she gets it) from them long term.