Anonymous
10/05/2023 11:24
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, you are a rough crowd, my DS contacted me to discuss. My involvement is just a spectator and loving mom who does not want to see her son unhappy by someone who misrepresented herself. Just wondered how other couples manage this situation and thought this group would comment on that experience.
I don't think this is fair. She changed her mind. It happens. He can either decide it's a dealbreaker or not.
Disagree, there's nothing wrong with changing her mind before they settle down. If fact, this is the time to do it, and not after the marrying.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 11:22
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:My son has a GF of three years and they were ready to take the next step. He called me bc the GF now wants to move from DC back to her hometown 6 hours away to be with her family and would like him to come. At the outset of the relationship they had aligned their goals and she agreed she like DC and was going to stay, so this was a surprise to him. We get why she wants to move home, but that is not his home, DC is and he has built relationships and friends and a business network here. Additionally she is tight with her family and when there was some misunderstanding with one of her siblings with him (dumb stuff) the GF immediately aligned with her family which makes him uncomfortable following her back to her hometown, knowing his support system there might be shaky. He loved her and imagined a life with her, just not this one. In addition they have travel plans in the next few months and he is trying to figure out if he should just end the relationship now, or do something that may or may not work for him.
I'm just a Mom, but I see danger ahead if he goes, I had a tight family, not anymore, but his unease with this I feel is well founded. I just let him talk it out but was noncommittal, because I already don't think the GF really likes me for a number of reasons but keep that to myself, if they have a family I would never see my grandchildren and I know it.
I would run from your son because of your overinvolvement. An adult doesn’t need mommy trying to decide his life for him. Listen but don’t push what you want.
Get therapy because you clearly want to clip your kid’s wings.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 11:20
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Too much projecting in this thread.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 11:05
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, you are a rough crowd, my DS contacted me to discuss. My involvement is just a spectator and loving mom who does not want to see her son unhappy by someone who misrepresented herself. Just wondered how other couples manage this situation and thought this group would comment on that experience.
I don't think this is fair. She changed her mind. It happens. He can either decide it's a dealbreaker or not.
I doesn’t even sound like she changed her mind.
She was okay living in DC. As she’s getting older she’s probably thinking about what she wants her adult life to look like. I remember those years after college, nothing felt permanent, life was full of possibilities. I bet she was happy to live here.
If a boyfriend tried to paint my increasing desire to live close to my family as a lie, that would be the biggest red flag in the world. I bet a big part of it is that she sees her boyfriend live close to his family and she wants that for herself too.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 11:03
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.
Not OP, but this is a weird response. OP clearly indicated that her son was talking to her about it.
There is a difference between trying to control and adult child, and being someone that they come to for advice and to talk things through. I certainly hope my kids do that when they are grown. I know I STILL go to my parents in that capacity and I am approaching 50.
The difference, however, is in this case, OP has an opinion about her. Her ability to provide objective non-biased feedback is already compromised.
What? It is her son, of course she has a “non biased feedback”.
Op, I would encourage him to take his time and think about the life he wants. It can be with her or not. Would he find a job there, have a career, make friends if he moved for her and it doesn’t work out with her? He is a BF at this point.
Maybe you are too dumb to understand this but... You got to let your kid grow up. That means you need to step aside and let him go his way.
So if a kid calls to vent or for advice you can only say “none of my business.” That’s ridiculous.
Well - you talk differently with your kid than you would with other people about what your kid is doing, I think. You can empathize with him when he says she misrepresented herself, it's not fair, blah blah blah - but I wouldn't report that to outsiders as if it's a fair reading of the situation. They've been together 3 years and aren't engaged or married - this seems like the right time for the GF to move, if that's what she wants to do. And OP's son can decide that this woman is worth changing his life for, or that this relationship has run its course (without anyone having been the bad guy).
But really - OP sounds too invested in her son's perspective on this. And I can see why the GF doesn't feel welcome with her!
Why shouldn’t she be concerned if her son is about to uproot his life for someone when he is obviously hesitant. The GF has every right to decide where she wants to live, but if he loves DC and has family there, he is right to think carefully about whether he should commit to leaving for good.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 11:01
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.
Not OP, but this is a weird response. OP clearly indicated that her son was talking to her about it.
There is a difference between trying to control and adult child, and being someone that they come to for advice and to talk things through. I certainly hope my kids do that when they are grown. I know I STILL go to my parents in that capacity and I am approaching 50.
The difference, however, is in this case, OP has an opinion about her. Her ability to provide objective non-biased feedback is already compromised.
What? It is her son, of course she has a “non biased feedback”.
Op, I would encourage him to take his time and think about the life he wants. It can be with her or not. Would he find a job there, have a career, make friends if he moved for her and it doesn’t work out with her? He is a BF at this point.
Maybe you are too dumb to understand this but... You got to let your kid grow up. That means you need to step aside and let him go his way.
So if a kid calls to vent or for advice you can only say “none of my business.” That’s ridiculous.
Well - you talk differently with your kid than you would with other people about what your kid is doing, I think. You can empathize with him when he says she misrepresented herself, it's not fair, blah blah blah - but I wouldn't report that to outsiders as if it's a fair reading of the situation. They've been together 3 years and aren't engaged or married - this seems like the right time for the GF to move, if that's what she wants to do. And OP's son can decide that this woman is worth changing his life for, or that this relationship has run its course (without anyone having been the bad guy).
But really - OP sounds too invested in her son's perspective on this. And I can see why the GF doesn't feel welcome with her!
If you have a therapist read the post and your reaction to the post to them do they can help you with your disordered thinking.
You have way too much damage in your life for me to explain to you why you have this all wrong.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 10:58
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.
Not OP, but this is a weird response. OP clearly indicated that her son was talking to her about it.
There is a difference between trying to control and adult child, and being someone that they come to for advice and to talk things through. I certainly hope my kids do that when they are grown. I know I STILL go to my parents in that capacity and I am approaching 50.
The difference, however, is in this case, OP has an opinion about her. Her ability to provide objective non-biased feedback is already compromised.
What? It is her son, of course she has a “non biased feedback”.
Op, I would encourage him to take his time and think about the life he wants. It can be with her or not. Would he find a job there, have a career, make friends if he moved for her and it doesn’t work out with her? He is a BF at this point.
Maybe you are too dumb to understand this but... You got to let your kid grow up. That means you need to step aside and let him go his way.
So if a kid calls to vent or for advice you can only say “none of my business.” That’s ridiculous.
Well - you talk differently with your kid than you would with other people about what your kid is doing, I think. You can empathize with him when he says she misrepresented herself, it's not fair, blah blah blah - but I wouldn't report that to outsiders as if it's a fair reading of the situation. They've been together 3 years and aren't engaged or married - this seems like the right time for the GF to move, if that's what she wants to do. And OP's son can decide that this woman is worth changing his life for, or that this relationship has run its course (without anyone having been the bad guy).
But really - OP sounds too invested in her son's perspective on this. And I can see why the GF doesn't feel welcome with her!
Anonymous
10/05/2023 10:56
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.
Not OP, but this is a weird response. OP clearly indicated that her son was talking to her about it.
There is a difference between trying to control and adult child, and being someone that they come to for advice and to talk things through. I certainly hope my kids do that when they are grown. I know I STILL go to my parents in that capacity and I am approaching 50.
The difference, however, is in this case, OP has an opinion about her. Her ability to provide objective non-biased feedback is already compromised.
What? It is her son, of course she has a “non biased feedback”.
Op, I would encourage him to take his time and think about the life he wants. It can be with her or not. Would he find a job there, have a career, make friends if he moved for her and it doesn’t work out with her? He is a BF at this point.
Maybe you are too dumb to understand this but... You got to let your kid grow up. That means you need to step aside and let him go his way.
So if a kid calls to vent or for advice you can only say “none of my business.” That’s ridiculous.
People are so f’d up by their parents they don’t understand normal adult support and bonding with their children. It’s so sad and pathetic.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 10:51
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.
Not OP, but this is a weird response. OP clearly indicated that her son was talking to her about it.
There is a difference between trying to control and adult child, and being someone that they come to for advice and to talk things through. I certainly hope my kids do that when they are grown. I know I STILL go to my parents in that capacity and I am approaching 50.
The difference, however, is in this case, OP has an opinion about her. Her ability to provide objective non-biased feedback is already compromised.
What? It is her son, of course she has a “non biased feedback”.
Op, I would encourage him to take his time and think about the life he wants. It can be with her or not. Would he find a job there, have a career, make friends if he moved for her and it doesn’t work out with her? He is a BF at this point.
Maybe you are too dumb to understand this but... You got to let your kid grow up. That means you need to step aside and let him go his way.
So if a kid calls to vent or for advice you can only say “none of my business.” That’s ridiculous.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 10:49
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.
Not OP, but this is a weird response. OP clearly indicated that her son was talking to her about it.
There is a difference between trying to control and adult child, and being someone that they come to for advice and to talk things through. I certainly hope my kids do that when they are grown. I know I STILL go to my parents in that capacity and I am approaching 50.
The difference, however, is in this case, OP has an opinion about her. Her ability to provide objective non-biased feedback is already compromised.
What? It is her son, of course she has a “non biased feedback”.
Op, I would encourage him to take his time and think about the life he wants. It can be with her or not. Would he find a job there, have a career, make friends if he moved for her and it doesn’t work out with her? He is a BF at this point.
Maybe you are too dumb to understand this but... You got to let your kid grow up. That means you need to step aside and let him go his way.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 10:48
Subject: Re:Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:He wants to break up.
Tell him to let her move home and say he will wrap things up here and move in 6 months, then never move.
This is why we date, to figure out if marriage will work so it’s not gonna work out.
Yes, he does. Be there for him.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 10:47
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
This group is way too hard on OP. It is an anonymous forum for her to express herself. She knows it is her son’s decision. She is obviously concerned over situation since she loves her son. And of course that is where her loyalty lies. To me is sounds like son may want Mom’s support/understanding when he breaks it off. He also wants her to take his side. It sounds to me like she is handling it best she can. You can never be objective when it is your kids-even if you are 100 years old. She is not giving an unsolicited opinion!!!
Anonymous
10/05/2023 10:47
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And you are involved in what way? Did your son ask for your help? Butt out.
Not OP, but this is a weird response. OP clearly indicated that her son was talking to her about it.
There is a difference between trying to control and adult child, and being someone that they come to for advice and to talk things through. I certainly hope my kids do that when they are grown. I know I STILL go to my parents in that capacity and I am approaching 50.
The difference, however, is in this case, OP has an opinion about her. Her ability to provide objective non-biased feedback is already compromised.
What? It is her son, of course she has a “non biased feedback”.
Op, I would encourage him to take his time and think about the life he wants. It can be with her or not. Would he find a job there, have a career, make friends if he moved for her and it doesn’t work out with her? He is a BF at this point.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 10:46
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, you are a rough crowd, my DS contacted me to discuss. My involvement is just a spectator and loving mom who does not want to see her son unhappy by someone who misrepresented herself. Just wondered how other couples manage this situation and thought this group would comment on that experience.
I don't think this is fair. She changed her mind. It happens. He can either decide it's a dealbreaker or not.
It’s honestly this. She tried DC and it sounds like it isn’t what she wants. He can either choose to try a distance relationship, end it, or go try her hometown and see how he feels. It stinks when this happens but it’s also part of life for young adults and part of the process of sorting out who they take the next step with. She can still be a lovely person and they may not be the right partners long term.
Anonymous
10/05/2023 10:46
Subject: Son blind sided by GF
If he only wants to be with her if they live near his family, and not near hers, that's a problem. With your son, not her.
Two other observations:
With respect to conflict with her sibling, it's impossible to determine whether she was right or wrong to "align herself" with her sibling without knowing what the conflict is about. It's entirely possible that your son was in the wrong.
Also, your subsequent posts, particularly your suggestion that she misrepresented herself, should provide you with an insight about why does doesn't like you.
Two other observations:
With respect to conflict with her sibling, it's impossible to determine whether she was right or wrong to "align herself" with her sibling without knowing what the conflict is about. It's entirely possible that your son was in the wrong.
Also, your subsequent posts, particularly your suggestion that she misrepresented herself, should provide you with an insight about why does doesn't like you.