Anonymous wrote:Op, the county has an obligation to educate your child. If they can’t at your local public school, they will have to pay for a specialized school. I have a friend who has successfully gotten our county to pay for her ASD kid to go to a school specifically for autistic kids. Try that before giving up your child.

You might think “yes but that doesn’t help on weekends.” But when the kid has appropriate support at school, they can be easier on weekends. Not easy! But a little easier, and that can make all the difference.

Agree with 8:48 and 8:49. Keep trying different ABA companies. I didn’t find the wait lists all that long for in home therapy. Even if the company has middling reviews, having another adult around to interface between the siblings will be a huge help and you can stay on the wait lists for other companies if needed. And also work with the schools. You can start advocating for more restrictive placements and these can, eventually, escalate into a residential school, although it may take years to get to that point. I would not jump right away to giving up custody.

Op, the county has an obligation to educate your child. If they can’t at your local public school, they will have to pay for a specialized school. I have a friend who has successfully gotten our county to pay for her ASD kid to go to a school specifically for autistic kids. Try that before giving up your child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you do ABA after school to have 20-40 more hours a week of support? I have heard of people who do ABA on top of school. It’s obviously an intense schedule for the child, but probably better than the alternative in a situation like yours. I don’t know if any weekend hours are available but that might fill a huge need. It sounds like you likely need more help from ABA anyway if things are this bad.

My heart goes out to you OP. Few people understand the enormous demands placed on severe ASD parents and how little support there is.

We're on waitlists for ABA, but right now the lists are so long that they're not willing/able to project when they might be available.

It would certainly help, but the bigger problems are mornings, evenings, and weekends when the kids are all at home.

Get a list of ABA providers from your insurance company and start calling. In-home ABA happens at exactly the times you listed. My autistic son has a hard time interacting appropriately with his siblings, so I try to time ABA for the times we’re all home. It’s a HUGE help to have another person around. Also have you seen a psychiatrist? Obviously there’s no medication for autism but there might be something to help the behaviors.

OP, is there any way you could move to a lower cost of living area? Maybe closer to family? If I couldn't afford a way to get the necessary care for my severe special needs child and it was leading me to this conclusion, I'd be packing up and moving.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Right - so we agree that there is no good solutions here, just a bunch of crappy, bad solutions of which OP has to try and navigate what is "least bad" for all concerned.

This. Op, I’m sorry we live in a country with such pathetic support services.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Right - so we agree that there is no good solutions here, just a bunch of crappy, bad solutions of which OP has to try and navigate what is "least bad" for all concerned.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

OP here. I really don't think that's the case. They talk about wishing their sibling would "go away." I know they probably don't entirely mean it, but it is very hard for them to be around their sibling.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

The family bankrupting itself and neglecting them to care for their sibling is going to traumatize them too

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you do ABA after school to have 20-40 more hours a week of support? I have heard of people who do ABA on top of school. It’s obviously an intense schedule for the child, but probably better than the alternative in a situation like yours. I don’t know if any weekend hours are available but that might fill a huge need. It sounds like you likely need more help from ABA anyway if things are this bad.

My heart goes out to you OP. Few people understand the enormous demands placed on severe ASD parents and how little support there is.

We're on waitlists for ABA, but right now the lists are so long that they're not willing/able to project when they might be available.

It would certainly help, but the bigger problems are mornings, evenings, and weekends when the kids are all at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

and I would assume it would traumatize the other kids for their sibling to be sent away.

Another idea- a special needs trained au pair. If you have the space, that would be very inexpensive on a per-hour basis vs any other help you could hire.

OP, can you do ABA after school to have 20-40 more hours a week of support? I have heard of people who do ABA on top of school. It’s obviously an intense schedule for the child, but probably better than the alternative in a situation like yours. I don’t know if any weekend hours are available but that might fill a huge need. It sounds like you likely need more help from ABA anyway if things are this bad.

My heart goes out to you OP. Few people understand the enormous demands placed on severe ASD parents and how little support there is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in residential facilities and majority of the kids there were funded by school districts. Hire an advocate OP and see what your options are. I think it’s extra hard on those kids in residential without any families. At least the ones with parents got visited and to go home on occasion. Those without any parents were essentially raised by rotating strangers with almost no adults in their life for more than a couple years. They also suffered because they got very little money from the state each year for clothes and necessities. Parents can at least provide some comfort just by providing material items, it makes such a difference. At least explore all your options before taking such a drastic measure.

+1 I would go into debt to hire a specialized nanny/full-time nurse before taking the kind of step OP is considering. This is so heartbreaking and OP I know you must be suffering to think about this option. I wish we had better, free support for families in this situation. Please take this poster seriously.

To what end? Even if you take out a second mortgage for a full time nanny who can work with a special needs nanny, eventually that money runs out and OP is back in the same position. What if OP has other children?

We do have other kids. That's much of the problem-- they've been suffering from the current situation, both physically and due to lack of attention.

We simply don't have the money to hire someone for an extended period of time, nor would we be able to get a loan to cover that.

I think having other kids will make it more challenging to maintain custody of the other children while terminating your parental rights of one of them.

I also worked in institutions for people with severe disabilities for about a decade so i too understand both the reality of institutional life and the extreme toll it takes to care for a severely disabled child. And I have a child with special needs myself who spent time in residential treatment so i know how hard it is to get to the point where you are and the difficulty finding resources. (Issues are different so my experience won’t be helpful). I cannot imagine how hard it is to be in your shoes.

Honestly I’d consult an attorney first to understand your legal rights and obligations. I’d consult with an adoption attorney because they would be up on the law about terminating parental rights. I don’t know what I’d do then because it would depend on the advice I got.