Anonymous wrote:Between neighbors, family friends, siblings of friends on both mine and DH's side we can think of so many examples of nice, educated, well-off couples that have one, if not multiple, adult children who are complete duds. Under or unemployed, living at home, sleeping in, don't help around the house, don't help their aging parents and are just a complete burden to their parents, siblings, and society. How does this happen? And how do we avoid it happening? Its impossible to picture now, but I'm guessing there was a time these parents couldn't picture it either.

(My post is prompted by my sweet neighbors who it turns out have been living with undiagnosed dementia and their total dud adult son has been living with them for months and "didn't notice anything" and is completely useless. There was a very dangerous situation recently where everything ended up mostly okay but still...)

It sounds like you don't really know your neighbors, family friends, or siblings of friends. This is more a "you" problem, OP. Why aren't you the type who people confide in?

In my extended family it’s more common that one sibling struggles than that a full set of siblings struggles so I don’t think it’s the parenting.

Might as well ask how did so many people who came from intelligent, nice, educated and affluent parents turn out to be such lousy parents themselves?

Helicopter parents breeding kids who can't fly, land, soar, whatevs. Mom and dad do it all for them. Seriously.

It is all mental illness, the so-called invisible ones. ADHD, ASD, depression, bipolar disorders, anxiety. Usually the adults who are not functional don't just have one of these but several. Comorbidities are frequent, and they are genetically inherited, but perhaps the parents you know are not as affected. Due to gene reassortment, it's possible for their offspring to be more impacted.


You're just noticing now because:

1. Your age. People around you are aging, and their adult children are not that young, so it's becoming apparent.

2. Fewer social taboos around failure: previously families sought to hide this. Thankfully that is less the case, and it's a good thing, because those who really want it can seek help and government services.


There is still so much disparagement of people with these invisible special needs, as evidenced by this thread.


- parent of an ADHD/ASD/OCD young adult. I hope my son will be reasonably functional, but I can see how a slightly more severe form of his profile, or a worsening of his own mental health, could lead to a life of dependency. I have mild ADHD, my husband has a more functioning version of his son's profile.

Regression to the mean and a lot of dysgenic breeding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between neighbors, family friends, siblings of friends on both mine and DH's side we can think of so many examples of nice, educated, well-off couples that have one, if not multiple, adult children who are complete duds.

This is the issue. It's one thing to be nice, it's another thing to fail to teach your child manners and responsibility. Often it's because the parents are too nice, and they pamper their children without imposing responsibilities on them so that they learn there is an expectation of responsibility. The majority of the failure to launch children that I've seen come from families where the parents have always done everything for the children, have not imposed any household responsibilities on the children and have not given an expectations of what they are supposed to do. So, in effect, the parents are too nice.

This. And some kids need a swift kick in the butt to launch - the parents were too nice to do that.

+1. Especially for the kids who don’t hold down steady jobs post college. For the college educated ones, sometimes it is financial that they come back home longer than prior generations. For the ones who don’t launch at all, it’s most often mental illness and never having consequences growing up and parents who always fixed and funded everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my wife's aunt. She lives with her elderly parents who have dementia but refuses to do any caregiving. Never held down a job. Only dud out of four children. Something is off about her, maybe a personality disorder but I don't think actual mental illness (though who really knows).

I doubt she is not doing any caregiving. She’s probably doing a lot. Saying she’s a dud who doesn’t help her parents is probably something the rest of the siblings say to make themselves feel better about the fact she is doing a lot of work.

She doesn't though. Other family members are on a rotation to take care of them because she refuses. We recently visited for a week and the only help we witnessed was her bringing in the trash bins. She otherwise stayed in her basement room and came up for dinner (that we paid for, made and cleaned up).

Anonymous wrote:Boomers ravaged the corpse of the economy.

Must you blame Boomers for every issue?

First, a couple who you perceive as nice, educated and well off may be nightmare parents, or just clueless parents, and therefore turn out adult children who aren't handling adulthood well.

Second, an adult child who you consider a dud may not actually be a dud to their family or to others.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my wife's aunt. She lives with her elderly parents who have dementia but refuses to do any caregiving. Never held down a job. Only dud out of four children. Something is off about her, maybe a personality disorder but I don't think actual mental illness (though who really knows).

I doubt she is not doing any caregiving. She’s probably doing a lot. Saying she’s a dud who doesn’t help her parents is probably something the rest of the siblings say to make themselves feel better about the fact she is doing a lot of work.

It is a numbers thing. It used to be in large families of 6 or 8 or 10 children one would be a dud.

Anonymous wrote:The 1 case I've known up close where this has happened was mental health issues that were not properly addressed as a teen.

I.e. the parents were too nice to properly address them.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my wife's aunt. She lives with her elderly parents who have dementia but refuses to do any caregiving. Never held down a job. Only dud out of four children. Something is off about her, maybe a personality disorder but I don't think actual mental illness (though who really knows).

Personality disorder = mental illness

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between neighbors, family friends, siblings of friends on both mine and DH's side we can think of so many examples of nice, educated, well-off couples that have one, if not multiple, adult children who are complete duds.

This is the issue. It's one thing to be nice, it's another thing to fail to teach your child manners and responsibility. Often it's because the parents are too nice, and they pamper their children without imposing responsibilities on them so that they learn there is an expectation of responsibility. The majority of the failure to launch children that I've seen come from families where the parents have always done everything for the children, have not imposed any household responsibilities on the children and have not given an expectations of what they are supposed to do. So, in effect, the parents are too nice.

This. And some kids need a swift kick in the butt to launch - the parents were too nice to do that.