Anonymous
10/02/2023 11:17
Subject: Smart but not motivated
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My son has an extremely high iq, but has no drive, like none. What are my options? How do I get him to care? He hates the minutiae of school, but that's part of life. He admits that he wants to skate through life. What am I supposed to do?!
That's a common issue. Let him see a therapist, enjoy his extracurriculars, build social circle and just do good enough in school to graduate. There are many paths to success, just one life to live. If he is smart, he'll get to better schools and career through community college.
Therapy for what? Having lazy parents?
For why he thinks hard work to get what you want is unnecessary or why he lacks motivation.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 11:04
Subject: Smart but not motivated
My kid is like that. DC is really good and kind, but lazy. I don't care what he does once he turns 18 as long as he is out of my house. And he will, because he already lives with his father.
There is nothing holding him back and that allows me to not worry. He can work low wages jobs if that makes him happy.
There is nothing holding him back and that allows me to not worry. He can work low wages jobs if that makes him happy.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 10:13
Subject: Smart but not motivated
The Self-Driven Child by Bill Stixrud addresses this situation. He has another book that’s more of a how-to that I haven’t read.
For my smart but unmotivated teen, I had him tested for ADHD and learning disabilities to make sure we knew what we were dealing with (because of family history, we wanted to know) and then hired an executive function coach to meet weekly. It keeps the micromanaging off of us- my kid is a lot more responsive to the coach, and it’s helped preserve our relationship.
For my smart but unmotivated teen, I had him tested for ADHD and learning disabilities to make sure we knew what we were dealing with (because of family history, we wanted to know) and then hired an executive function coach to meet weekly. It keeps the micromanaging off of us- my kid is a lot more responsive to the coach, and it’s helped preserve our relationship.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 10:03
Subject: Smart but not motivated
I know plenty of kids who hated high school, got mediocre grades, got into a lower-tier college (or went to local community college), got motivated, slayed all day, and transferred to a Tier 1 university sophomore or junior year.
Our oldest was a great HS student who applied senior year, got into a great university, and that's what happened there.
Our younger one dislikes the conformity and rigidity of the high school experience (why do I need to sign up for a pass just to use the restroom, this is so boring to me, etc.). Smart kid, just not liking feeling so hemmed in all the time. Will likely go a different route than older sibling, but that's okay.
Life is a long road, some people take a detour and come out in the same place, or farther up the road. You just don't know. Kids are all potential, but you have to allow them to find it on their own. Stop boxing your son into a corner and work with him to make high school work for him, and begin discussing next steps.
Our oldest was a great HS student who applied senior year, got into a great university, and that's what happened there.
Our younger one dislikes the conformity and rigidity of the high school experience (why do I need to sign up for a pass just to use the restroom, this is so boring to me, etc.). Smart kid, just not liking feeling so hemmed in all the time. Will likely go a different route than older sibling, but that's okay.
Life is a long road, some people take a detour and come out in the same place, or farther up the road. You just don't know. Kids are all potential, but you have to allow them to find it on their own. Stop boxing your son into a corner and work with him to make high school work for him, and begin discussing next steps.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 09:53
Subject: Re:Smart but not motivated
I think it’s kind of important to maintain a 3.0 GPA in high school and college because below that can shut doors. So I would tell him he needs to work on that so that he can keep his options open later for things he may want to do down the road.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 09:00
Subject: Smart but not motivated
My neighbor’s son was like this. No ambition. Was in the GT program and one of the smartest kids I have interacted with. Never put any effort into school, but managed to graduate and get into a good college. Failed out. Went to CC (parents made it a condition of living with them), did okay, tried college again and failed again.
Basically decided that he was happy working at Dunkin Donuts or something. Realized that money won’t go far, so moved to a low COL area. Last I heard, he was in the mid west, working a small time job, and doing some sort of shared housing.
Basically decided that he was happy working at Dunkin Donuts or something. Realized that money won’t go far, so moved to a low COL area. Last I heard, he was in the mid west, working a small time job, and doing some sort of shared housing.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 08:53
Subject: Smart but not motivated
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I promise you he will be fine. I will always choose smart over doing well in school. Once he gets to a certain point he'll choose what he wants. If he really is smart he will do well because he wants better. He will figure it out.
If he doesn't he will be fine because he will have chosen this. School is about rules and what you are supposed to do. Life is not like this necessarily. Life is about more than just hard work. The best thing that school can help you with is understanding the value of hard work. But he will learn this in or out of school at a certain age.
I was like this, my DD is like this and I personally know people like this. You have to wait until something clicks with drive.
You also don't always need drive to be successful. You can absolutely figure out how to make a great living without wanting to run the world. I am the laziest person ever who hates to work. Everyone who knows me things I'm really driven and ambitious. They could not be more wrong! Through a combo of luck and ability, I do very very well. Nothing to do whatsoever with drive. There is nothing wrong to work as smart as you can to do well without wanting to work as much as possible. Smart is the name of the game. Have some faith in him.
The only thing that negates the above is if it's something about learning disabilities or mental health impacting his abilities. That's important ti assess.
Funny but I would chose working hard and being a good citizen over being smart.
You do have some good tips but that is where I disagree
Same
Anonymous
10/02/2023 08:51
Subject: Smart but not motivated
Anonymous wrote:I promise you he will be fine. I will always choose smart over doing well in school. Once he gets to a certain point he'll choose what he wants. If he really is smart he will do well because he wants better. He will figure it out.
If he doesn't he will be fine because he will have chosen this. School is about rules and what you are supposed to do. Life is not like this necessarily. Life is about more than just hard work. The best thing that school can help you with is understanding the value of hard work. But he will learn this in or out of school at a certain age.
I was like this, my DD is like this and I personally know people like this. You have to wait until something clicks with drive.
You also don't always need drive to be successful. You can absolutely figure out how to make a great living without wanting to run the world. I am the laziest person ever who hates to work. Everyone who knows me things I'm really driven and ambitious. They could not be more wrong! Through a combo of luck and ability, I do very very well. Nothing to do whatsoever with drive. There is nothing wrong to work as smart as you can to do well without wanting to work as much as possible. Smart is the name of the game. Have some faith in him.
The only thing that negates the above is if it's something about learning disabilities or mental health impacting his abilities. That's important ti assess.
Funny but I would chose working hard and being a good citizen over being smart.
You do have some good tips but that is where I disagree
Anonymous
10/02/2023 08:48
Subject: Re:Smart but not motivated
Are you the one pushing? Do you take pride and credir when he gets As and not when he does poorly?
He maybe be rebelling because he is unsure if you will love him even if he doesnt do well.
My mom pushed thinness for me and someimes I think I was fatter because I wanted to see if she would love me without conditions. Short answer: no
Talk to you son and tell him it is his life. The choices he makes will affect his life but that is up to him. Your job is to love and support.
He maybe be rebelling because he is unsure if you will love him even if he doesnt do well.
My mom pushed thinness for me and someimes I think I was fatter because I wanted to see if she would love me without conditions. Short answer: no
Talk to you son and tell him it is his life. The choices he makes will affect his life but that is up to him. Your job is to love and support.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 08:23
Subject: Smart but not motivated
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You can’t make someone care. This isn’t something to make him go to therapy over. That’s the worst advice on here. I hated school and so did my husband. We got through and even my got through college when we realized the value of the degree n we never liked it. Both of us have very successful careers and like our jobs. We don’t mind hard work when it’s something we like. There isn’t anything my school loving mother could have done differently to make me want to do well or care back then.
What do you mean by successful career? How do you define success?
NP. I'm not sure it matters as long as it is enough that the family does not struggle financially and as long as the person feels it is successful. A manager at a fast food place can feel successful if it's something that someone enjoys and provides whatever housing, food, medical care, and material comforts that person and their family need.
I have a relative who was like OP's child and coasted through high school. Had terrible grades first two years. No learning disabilities, just unmotivated and preferred to hang out with friends and socialize all the time. He was also naturally athletic but did not want to continue in any sports. Got top SAT scores early junior year and got grades up to mostly Bs and maybe some As senior year. Went to a state school and now owns a small company and does business around the world. He has a multimillion dollar house, wonderful wife and 2 kids. Something clicked when he got to college.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 08:22
Subject: Smart but not motivated
Anonymous wrote:I promise you he will be fine. I will always choose smart over doing well in school. Once he gets to a certain point he'll choose what he wants. If he really is smart he will do well because he wants better. He will figure it out.
If he doesn't he will be fine because he will have chosen this. School is about rules and what you are supposed to do. Life is not like this necessarily. Life is about more than just hard work. The best thing that school can help you with is understanding the value of hard work. But he will learn this in or out of school at a certain age.
I was like this, my DD is like this and I personally know people like this. You have to wait until something clicks with drive.
You also don't always need drive to be successful. You can absolutely figure out how to make a great living without wanting to run the world. I am the laziest person ever who hates to work. Everyone who knows me things I'm really driven and ambitious. They could not be more wrong! Through a combo of luck and ability, I do very very well. Nothing to do whatsoever with drive. There is nothing wrong to work as smart as you can to do well without wanting to work as much as possible. Smart is the name of the game. Have some faith in him.
The only thing that negates the above is if it's something about learning disabilities or mental health impacting his abilities. That's important ti assess.
A lot of those end up in prison.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 08:11
Subject: Smart but not motivated
I promise you he will be fine. I will always choose smart over doing well in school. Once he gets to a certain point he'll choose what he wants. If he really is smart he will do well because he wants better. He will figure it out.
If he doesn't he will be fine because he will have chosen this. School is about rules and what you are supposed to do. Life is not like this necessarily. Life is about more than just hard work. The best thing that school can help you with is understanding the value of hard work. But he will learn this in or out of school at a certain age.
I was like this, my DD is like this and I personally know people like this. You have to wait until something clicks with drive.
You also don't always need drive to be successful. You can absolutely figure out how to make a great living without wanting to run the world. I am the laziest person ever who hates to work. Everyone who knows me things I'm really driven and ambitious. They could not be more wrong! Through a combo of luck and ability, I do very very well. Nothing to do whatsoever with drive. There is nothing wrong to work as smart as you can to do well without wanting to work as much as possible. Smart is the name of the game. Have some faith in him.
The only thing that negates the above is if it's something about learning disabilities or mental health impacting his abilities. That's important ti assess.
If he doesn't he will be fine because he will have chosen this. School is about rules and what you are supposed to do. Life is not like this necessarily. Life is about more than just hard work. The best thing that school can help you with is understanding the value of hard work. But he will learn this in or out of school at a certain age.
I was like this, my DD is like this and I personally know people like this. You have to wait until something clicks with drive.
You also don't always need drive to be successful. You can absolutely figure out how to make a great living without wanting to run the world. I am the laziest person ever who hates to work. Everyone who knows me things I'm really driven and ambitious. They could not be more wrong! Through a combo of luck and ability, I do very very well. Nothing to do whatsoever with drive. There is nothing wrong to work as smart as you can to do well without wanting to work as much as possible. Smart is the name of the game. Have some faith in him.
The only thing that negates the above is if it's something about learning disabilities or mental health impacting his abilities. That's important ti assess.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 08:10
Subject: Smart but not motivated
Is he old enough to work? I would insist, at least during the summers, that he work (landscaping, fast food) to realize how much $$ he will need to give him the life he is accustomed to.
Anonymous
10/02/2023 08:09
Subject: Smart but not motivated
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My son has an extremely high iq, but has no drive, like none. What are my options? How do I get him to care? He hates the minutiae of school, but that's part of life. He admits that he wants to skate through life. What am I supposed to do?!
That's a common issue. Let him see a therapist, enjoy his extracurriculars, build social circle and just do good enough in school to graduate. There are many paths to success, just one life to live. If he is smart, he'll get to better schools and career through community college.
Therapy for what? Having lazy parents?
Anonymous
10/02/2023 08:08
Subject: Smart but not motivated
Is he a spoiled rich kid? If so, he learned what you taught him, being smart as he is. Most people are are motivated but not wanting to be poor. Others are motivated by wanting to be rich. A few are motivated by an internal drive to learn or accomplish something they care about.