Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 15:28     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes I would give her a gift. $50 would be what I’d give, not the same as what you’d give your child.

I’m honestly surprised you don’t give her birthday gifts too. They live together! And they’ve been dating for years. It costs very little to be kind. DILs are the ones who can control access to grandchildren.

Dh and I met young (19). No one paid any attention to me and I was ignored quite a bit at family functions. We waited until 25 to marry. When dhs siblings were near 30 they started bringing girlfriends home for the holidays and everyone fawned over them. They were treated so very kindly. MIL was teaching them her family’s recipes and making sure their favorite pies got served. I think that people just don’t treat young women kindly but when their kids are close to 30 they get worried and want grandkids.

This sounds very transactional (give gifts bc it might increase access to future grandchildren). Does she celebrate Christmas? I second the advice to talk to your son; if you give her a gift and she doesn’t get you one (which would be normal, since she’s not even visiting) she might feel awkward.


I give gifts to my children and they don't and its not awkward.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2023 12:37     Subject: Re:Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
I always buy something in the Nordstrom sale for a significant other. This year I got a nice Ugg throw blanket and a nice scented candle. Last year not the Stanley cup, but another popular reusable drink cup and a gift card.
Anonymous
Post 10/10/2023 00:03     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
My mother in law used to give me really simple but thoughtful gifts. For instance, an issue of my favorite magazine and a bar of my favorite chocolate or maybe a book. She still does small gifts like that but the years we spend Christmas at their house typically gets me one larger gift as well. She’ll actually ask me for ideas (two years ago, for instance, she gave me a new yoga mat). My mom’s always been one to give a lot of stuff and I actually appreciate the smaller amount of thoughtful presents. I feel like a small thoughtful gift (ask your child if you need ideas) would be appropriate.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2023 15:32     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
Anonymous wrote:It's 2023 -- if he lives with her, treat her like a DIL.


Makes sense.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2023 11:50     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
I can vouch for how hurtful it is when my in laws give my husband major gifts and I get nothing or something comparatively disproportionate. My parents treat my husband like an adopted child and get him gifts commensurate with what they get me. To be clear I don’t care about the actual gifts - it’s the message that I’m not on equal footing or part of the family.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2023 11:47     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
If they have lived together for this long, I think a gift is a nice gesture, especially since she brings you gifts. And if she is a Buddhist Asian-American, my guess is that she comes from a culture where giving small gifts is important.

How about something nice for their shared home and some candy?
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2023 11:44     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
Anonymous wrote:Is it possibly that people in camp of no special treatment until marriage, are against creating good will and unconsciously trying to sabotage such relationships?


They must be b/c it is SUPER weird to not give significant others a gift. Esp if they're coming over.

Lord, my college BF (who I was NOT living with) parents' gave me small Christmas gifts (and vice versa).
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2023 11:43     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
Anonymous wrote:If you are buying Christmas gifts for your kids, should you buy some for their partners as well? Mine graduated recently and they started work in another state. They live together and did in college as well.

He is coming home for Christmas and she'll be visiting her parents who are buddhist . She brought us gifts when she visited and I gave her a small graduation gift but I haven't sent birthday gifts even though I do wish happy birthday on phone. We do love her but not sure if regular gift giving starts after marriage or you should do it if they aren't married?


Why be so stringent? Rigid?

You love her. Your child loves her. They live together. Of course you give her a gift.

Why are people making this so hard?
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2023 10:57     Subject: Re:Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
Anonymous wrote:You could consider getting them a gift as a couple. My MIL settled on giving my husband and me a check every year at Christmas and we always designated it for some specific purchase for our home. Although the money was for both of us, she always made a point of making the check out to me, which was a nice gesture. She was so happy to hear what we had done with the money. It usually went to a piece of furniture, appliances, etc.



Yes this. Or a gift card to a local restaurant you know they like. My inlaws do this sometimes, and it's my favorite gift from them. I don't need ANY gifts, and especially not junk, so I like one I can use.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2023 10:56     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
Is she going to be visiting your home around Christmas? If around the time, but not on Christmas, get her something small. If she will be there Christmas day, yes get her a few things. It's a good time to fall back on some simple yet nice gifts: candle, lotions, soaps etc.

You can invest into more thoughtful gifts once you know her better.
Anonymous
Post 10/01/2023 20:46     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
Is it possibly that people in camp of no special treatment until marriage, are against creating good will and unconsciously trying to sabotage such relationships?
Anonymous
Post 10/01/2023 20:42     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
Anonymous wrote:Yes I would give her a gift. $50 would be what I’d give, not the same as what you’d give your child.

I’m honestly surprised you don’t give her birthday gifts too. They live together! And they’ve been dating for years. It costs very little to be kind. DILs are the ones who can control access to grandchildren.

Dh and I met young (19). No one paid any attention to me and I was ignored quite a bit at family functions. We waited until 25 to marry. When dhs siblings were near 30 they started bringing girlfriends home for the holidays and everyone fawned over them. They were treated so very kindly. MIL was teaching them her family’s recipes and making sure their favorite pies got served. I think that people just don’t treat young women kindly but when their kids are close to 30 they get worried and want grandkids.


This is true. If you've been in family's orbit since school or college, you are treated as a child while someone who collides as an older working adult, they are treated as guests.
Anonymous
Post 10/01/2023 20:36     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
Consider cutting back on gifts in general. Our culture is drowning in materialism. Celebrate by doing a nice activity together or sending some food to the home.
Anonymous
Post 10/01/2023 20:25     Subject: Re:Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
You could consider getting them a gift as a couple. My MIL settled on giving my husband and me a check every year at Christmas and we always designated it for some specific purchase for our home. Although the money was for both of us, she always made a point of making the check out to me, which was a nice gesture. She was so happy to hear what we had done with the money. It usually went to a piece of furniture, appliances, etc.

Anonymous
Post 10/01/2023 19:39     Subject: Christmas gift for adult kid's partners
It's 2023 -- if he lives with her, treat her like a DIL.