Anonymous wrote:OP, I married into a family of Ohio Christians who are Midwestern nice. It seemed so wonderful at first compared to my family of outward dysfunction. I’ve learned over time that what I thought was impeccable manners is actually repression. The women in particular are infantilized simpletons. I don’t have any advice, just that I understand.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I married into a family of Ohio Christians who are Midwestern nice. It seemed so wonderful at first compared to my family of outward dysfunction. I’ve learned over time that what I thought was impeccable manners is actually repression. The women in particular are infantilized simpletons. I don’t have any advice, just that I understand.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I married into a family of Ohio Christians who are Midwestern nice. It seemed so wonderful at first compared to my family of outward dysfunction. I’ve learned over time that what I thought was impeccable manners is actually repression. The women in particular are infantilized simpletons. I don’t have any advice, just that I understand.

Anonymous wrote:I can see what you're saying OP, but this seems like entry level passive-aggression. Yes, annoying over time, but as someone who has 40+ years of family interactions with some Grade A Dysfunction that includes passive aggression, enmeshment, co-dependency, you name it, this doesn't strike me as a big deal. For example:

When I was pregnant, we didn't want to share baby names because we were struggling to decide. My mother declared to my father and to my sister (but not to me) that our refusal to share names was pushing her into a deep depression and she felt uninvolved in my pregnancy and like she was being pushed away. Instead of telling me this directly, my dad started texting me periodically to say my mom "seemed depressed" and "could use some cheering up" from me. Eventually these escalated to "I'm worried your mother might self-harm" even though I was absolutely calling and reaching out during this time, but my mom would sound totally happy on the phone with me (though then also randomly call me and sound sad so I had reason to believe what my dad was saying, but when I asked her point blank if she was doing okay, she'd tell me she was "great, thrilled, so excited about my grand baby!") I had no idea that he was implying her upset was related to my pregnancy or any of my actions. Meanwhile, my sister became obviously angry with me during this time but refused to say why, until after several months of clearly irritated behavior (rolling her eyes at me, glaring at me during meals, leaving rooms when I spoke), she finally blew up at me and said I was "ruining [our mother's] life" by selfishly refusing to tell my mom what baby names we were considering.

Keep in mind I was 4-9 months pregnant with my first child while all this was going on, AND my FIL had just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and given 6 months to a year to live.

What you are describing sounds annoying, for sure. I get it. Especially when repeated all the time. It's like "Minnesota Nice" if you've ever encountered that. But it's manageable. Try to focus on your own communication and be as clear as possible, and learn to detach when they use passive aggression to try and make you responsible for their emotional state. Let them own their own feelings and simply focus on clear communication on your end.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it that people that don't have families like this likely won't understand. I'm asking people who do. People who do will get what it's like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The common denominator is you.

Are you coming off as stressed? Do you seem annoyed? Check in and be honest with your own behavior.

#1. Maybe your mom has been reading right here on DCUM that grandparents, when visiting in the early days, should focus on being helpful rather than just on wanting to hold the baby. Is she going a little overboard? Yeah, maybe. But her intention is good: she wants you to hold the baby whenever you want to, and she knows her holding the baby is a secondary priority.

#2. Maybe—whether you can admit it or not—you are one of those stressed-out, huffy, put-upon hostesses. Maybe in your guests’ mind, the production is obviously a stress to you, and they would rather have you relaxed and serving Wegmans muffins than put-upon and serving French toast.

Reflect. Again: the common denominator is you.

In #2 above, OP’s brother says “we don’t want you to feel like you have to…” Thra is pretty much the definition of passive aggressive. It may be a back-handed attempt to be polite, but it’s not. It’s poor manners to be passive aggressive. If you don’t want a big breakfast, say it politely, “we prefer not to eat a large breakfast.” If you think OP seems stressed and huffy, say it, “making the big breakfast seems to stress you out.”

OP, I get it. I also would be annoyed in your shoes if my family couldn’t simply state what they were saying without using a passive voice. And if I told them they were being passive, they wouldn’t get it at all. So… no advice, but I do understand your frustration.

Anonymous wrote:The common denominator is you.

Are you coming off as stressed? Do you seem annoyed? Check in and be honest with your own behavior.

#1. Maybe your mom has been reading right here on DCUM that grandparents, when visiting in the early days, should focus on being helpful rather than just on wanting to hold the baby. Is she going a little overboard? Yeah, maybe. But her intention is good: she wants you to hold the baby whenever you want to, and she knows her holding the baby is a secondary priority.

#2. Maybe—whether you can admit it or not—you are one of those stressed-out, huffy, put-upon hostesses. Maybe in your guests’ mind, the production is obviously a stress to you, and they would rather have you relaxed and serving Wegmans muffins than put-upon and serving French toast.

Reflect. Again: the common denominator is you.

Anonymous wrote:The common denominator is you.

Are you coming off as stressed? Do you seem annoyed? Check in and be honest with your own behavior.

#1. Maybe your mom has been reading right here on DCUM that grandparents, when visiting in the early days, should focus on being helpful rather than just on wanting to hold the baby. Is she going a little overboard? Yeah, maybe. But her intention is good: she wants you to hold the baby whenever you want to, and she knows her holding the baby is a secondary priority.

#2. Maybe—whether you can admit it or not—you are one of those stressed-out, huffy, put-upon hostesses. Maybe in your guests’ mind, the production is obviously a stress to you, and they would rather have you relaxed and serving Wegmans muffins than put-upon and serving French toast.

Reflect. Again: the common denominator is you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it that people that don't have families like this likely won't understand. I'm asking people who do. People who do will get what it's like.

Anonymous wrote:
Your family is very Japanese! I know they're probably not, but the manners are the same. It is considered rude to be forthright, and polite to go round about. So I've been steeped in these courtesies my whole life. When it's people you know, it's usually easy to tell what they want exactly. When it's strangers, these communication methods allay guilt and shame because everyone saves face, a very important concept in Japanese culture.

I really don't think you can blame your siblings for acting in this way if they learned this from your mother.
And maybe your mother learned this from her parents.
It also seems as if you may express your emotions a little too bluntly for their sensibilities, and they are scared of you. Maybe they feel they have to walk on eggshells around you, and that nothing they do is right!

So if you think they want to hold the baby, give them the baby for a little while. If you think they might want something else to eat, you can ask them the day before.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get it that people that don't have families like this likely won't understand. I'm asking people who do. People who do will get what it's like.