I wish I had more excuses to skip those stupid team building offsite events. What a giant waste of time.

Offsites are lame and no one needs to be at them to begin with. Stop being a controlling manager and approve the leave.

My cousins wife had a very uneventful pregnancy up until the end. Just as she was approaching her due date, she suddenly developed preeclampsia. She was fit and healthy and not AMA. She was a former college athlete and ran marathons. Anyway, things turned very grave overnight. She almost died, and the medical interventions that had to be used to save her life took a real toll on the baby. As soon as he was born, he was rushed from that hospital to a nearby children’s hospital, where they had to sedate him and take measures to prevent brain damage. In an instant, my cousin had to choose whose side to be at, his wife’s, because the doctors weren’t sure at that point that they could save her or his baby’s, because the doctors were also very concerned about his condition. He couldn’t be two places at once.

No one expects anything like that to happen to your team member’s DIL, but I say all this to point out the even for a pregnancy that isn’t high risk, the birth is the riskiest part of the pregnancy and things can turn on a dime. It’s not crazy that this woman doesn’t want to risk being further away in the event that the birth doesn’t go smoothly.

Conversation

#1) Does your DIL or son actually want you in the hospital?
#2) Why didn’t you simply schedule the day off instead of dragging your DIL’s birthing schedule into the conversaTimon?

Umm I think you should go to work.

I think even asking for the time off makes you look bad. It doesn’t look like you value family but rather like you’re the nightmare mother in law who can’t even give her DIL space to give birth in peace.

Does your DIL want you there?

Have you talked to your son???

Realistically, they would probably be just as happy (if not significantly happier) to have you meet the baby a few days (or a week) after the birth.

Do you assess all other uses of leave like this? Like do you want a doctors note for every illness, a plane ticket for every vacation?

You are no more entitled to dictate how a person uses their earned leave than how a person uses their earned pay. Learn that fast—people are saying what a nightmare you are to work for.

Bizarre. Both of my siblings had all 4 grandparents in hospital waiting room during labor. We were limited due to covid but otherwise I'd invite my mil to meet her grandkid

I am closer with my MIL than my mother, by miles. I never wanted her in the delivery room for either birth. But everyone's different.

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.

So you want to discriminate against mothers of sons? Only mothers with daughters are allowed to miss.work for the birth of their grandchild?

When my brothers kids were born all 4 grandparents were at the hospital - for all 3 kids! They weren’t in the room but they spent hours in the waiting room. I was there too for the first 2 kids (lived out of town for the 3rd), that’s how my brother and SIL wanted it - lots of family nearby.

We don’t live close to family and asked for no one at the hospital and no visitors for 10 days after our first kid was born. For our second kid I was induced and my ILs came to watch our 3 year old while I was in the hospital (the induction took about 36 hours from start to baby, and DH spent most of that time with me), and I was there for 1-2 nights after delivery.

So right there are 2 totally different and totally reasonable reasons an IL might miss work for a DIL having a baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.

They have earned PTO, right? So they're not skipping work. They are taking the time off they earned, at a moment that's important to them.

Also, if the employee goes to your "offsite" she is going to be totally distracted thinking about the baby and resenting you. Nobody wins.

Is it possible you feel that if this person misses your team building event, that will undermine its importance, and your own, in the eyes of other employees? Because that's what it sounds like.

Yes, this.

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.

Wrap your mind around this: She's not you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.

They have earned PTO, right? So they're not skipping work. They are taking the time off they earned, at a moment that's important to them.

Also, if the employee goes to your "offsite" she is going to be totally distracted thinking about the baby and resenting you. Nobody wins.

Is it possible you feel that if this person misses your team building event, that will undermine its importance, and your own, in the eyes of other employees? Because that's what it sounds like.

OP should really spin it up in the other direction. "Larla would have LOVED to be here but her grandchild is being born today!!! Can't think of a better reason to miss it! Larla's son is going to be a dad; she must be over the moon! And we support our team members here, so let's do something for her when she returns!"

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.

They have earned PTO, right? So they're not skipping work. They are taking the time off they earned, at a moment that's important to them.

Also, if the employee goes to your "offsite" she is going to be totally distracted thinking about the baby and resenting you. Nobody wins.

Is it possible you feel that if this person misses your team building event, that will undermine its importance, and your own, in the eyes of other employees? Because that's what it sounds like.