Part of a lesbian couple here. My partner wants to carry, I do not. We’ve been struggling getting pregnant, and one of my friends asked me if we’ve considered adoption. It made me want to cry, even though before we started all of this (IVF etc etc), adoption seemed like a great option. And that was coming from one of my best friends. Not someone I didn’t really know. It made me realize that offering infertility solutions (obvious or not) can be potentially very painful to hear when you have put so much time, effort, finances and emotional energy into having a biologically related child (in my case, a child related to my wife). So I would suggest giving this woman some grace. Your suggestion was not the same as a hetero couple getting a surrogate but it was probably not something she wanted to hear and particularly painful and insensitive if she really really wants to carry a biological child. So she lashed out with the first thing she could think of. That’s my guess of course.

Anything involving anyone else's reproductive plans is off the table. I'm sure they are fully aware what their possible options are. Unless it is brought up by that couple or individual, leave it alone. Just smile and nod. No matter how comfortable you may assume the couple is with discussing it with you.

I’m sure they already thought about it. When you go through infertility, it’s very lonely in that it’s a problem only you can solve. You think of all your options and analyze and over analyze.

I thought of my sister being a surrogate, my friends being donors. You are grasping at anything for have that baby. You exhaust everything and then try the route of adoption.

Anonymous wrote:I am in a 2-woman couple where one couldn't get pregnant and I didn't try. I was well aware that I have a uterus and that I could seek fertility treatment and didn't need anyone telling me that. It's likely the person was looking for sympathy, not solutions--especially ones that are blatantly obvious.

Woman in general want sympathy, not solutions.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’m not sure that it’s offensive to ask a hetero couple with RPL if they considered surrogacy….

I think it’s always a minefield when people ask someone who is experiencing infertility if they have considered adoption/surrogacy/donor eggs/donor sperm/the advantages of living child free. Can anyone reasonably think that someone who has had to resort to fertility treatments, used donor sperm, and experienced RPL doesn’t have a firm grasp on their options?

Anonymous wrote:Slightly off topic but have you ever been tested for MTHFR, OP?

I'm literally negative for every test - been well over 900 if that includes the genetic testing. They can find absolutely nothing wrong with me. So tell me to just continue to get pregnant, carry it for 3 months and miscarry until it finally works.

Anonymous wrote:If someone asks for advice on how they can be successful carrying the one embryo they have left and you suggest that someone else carry it, that is not the advice they were looking for, whether that someone else is their wife or a surrogate.

The woman shouldn’t have asked for advice at all from a bunch of lay people about medical issues she has carrying a pregnancy. I don’t ask my mechanically inept spouse how to fix my car. The woman asked a loaded question, didn’t hear a unicorn solution to soothe her nerves, and lashed out.

When we had poor egg quality, RP, and failed IVF, we had friends and family offer to donate eggs (sister), embryos (friend), and be our surrogate (different friend). Those were amazingly generous offers, even if unnecessary for our particular circumstances, and I'll always remember their generosity. They were also fundamentally different than suggesting those as options and asking why we didn't consider those options. Which is what your question implied (not just whether, but also why not). Particularly with someone you "recently encountered" and not a close friend. You could have phrased it as, we're considering surrogacy, is that something you guys have thought about also? But the way you phrased it was insensitive just like someone saying "just adopt" or "why not use a surrogate?". It makes the other person feel obligated to explain or defend their choice, and that's exhausting when you've been hearing invasive questions and helpful advice for likely years already.

Slightly off topic but have you ever been tested for MTHFR, OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a married lesbian who did IUI to get pregnant and was in an LGBT support group affiliated with the fertility clinic. I don't think you're in the wrong - that's exactly what one of the couples in my support group did when one was struggling to get pregnant. I figure she's probably sensitive/going through emotions about it. You also don't know their particular situation; there could be issues with the other partner so that's not possible.

Of course, but she was saying that even me making the suggestion was as offensive / akin to asking a hetero person why not use a surrogate.

Lesbian bio mom here and I think that people struggling with infertility are emotional and maybe partner said no to idea, so extra sensitive. I'd let it go, OP.

For stuff like that, where it's kind of an obvious idea, I don't bring it up unless the person does. Infertility is a minefield, I was fortunate not to experience it but have friends (straight and 2 moms) who had a lot of issues and grappled with the scenario you mention.

I think its insensitive to ask, I also think its insensitive to ask have you considered adoption, donor eggs, etc etc. I'm sure people who are dealing with infertility have looked at other options and if they aren't moving forward with those options, there is a reason.

It's one thing to ask a super close friend, which you are clearly not based on your description. It was an invasive question, OP. Too personal--MYOB.

People are correctly pointing out that sometimes people ask hetero people rude and invasive questions. I'm not sure why the fact that sometimes other people are also rude to other people is at all relevant.

I’m a lesbian and while you’re totally right. It is an option and a much cheaper one than hiring a surrogate it’s possible she is VERY sensitive about the possibility of not being able to carry.

Personally, I know I would have significant issues if I couldn’t carry and I was watching my wife carry a child I desperately wanted to carry.

I’ve had a few losses and am in early pregnancy. It is a sensitive subject and is upsetting. She probably was just triggered.

I would just tread lightly when you discuss infertility or recurrent loss.

Similar to someone saying, “well why don’t you just adopt”.

OP it was a trap.

If forced to engage with a victim seeking a certain kind of response, you are ONLY allowed to give them the response they want to hear. Anything else will get turned on you as a weapon.

OP you're really insensitive, if you don't get it then leave your friend alone