Anonymous wrote:To confirm, you are an only child, OP? And you now live nearby?

Their care and running their household falls to you, you bring in paid help or you relocate them to a place that provides paid help or allows you to bring it in. No one talking at your dad is going to change the above.

Since you and your dad don't seem to get on all that well and your find him triggering, you may want to avoid the first option.

In assisted living they would still live in their own space, like an apartment, unless your mom's mobility means she will need skilled nursing? Can their current house even be retrofit re: her mobility issues? An assisted living will be handicapped accessible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know for sure she doesn't want to do this anymore? I ask because being able to maintain relationship and responsibility norms is sometimes what ill/recovering people want. It gives them a sense of normalcy, purpose, and inclusion.

However, if she's going beyond her capabilities at this time, then I agree with PP that finding help for you dad makes sense. Local senior centers often have these resources and some hospitals/health centers have social workers who can be a good resource.

Come on, PP. Surely you get it. OP's mother cannot provide explicit instructions on every practical aspect of their lives if she's physically disabled. It's difficult. A lot of teaching involves live demonstration, and she cannot do that. The next best thing is watching a Youtube video, but for someone who has such profound executive dysfunction, he would need to be prodded to the exact one, and then bumble about in the kitchen wondering which pot to use because it doesn't look like the one in the video. Your father probably has inattentive ADHD and may be borderline Asperger's, there are lots of those in family with a similar life profile who can't seem to get their act together.

If you have free time (ha!), you might want to go there, show him how to use the washer and dryer, how to cook basic things, how to pay bills, etc. This is what I did for my teen son before he went off to college.

He definitely has ADHD. I moved back to our home state briefly during Covid. I really started to notice how much I was struggling in my personal life (I am pretty successful professionally). Once I realized it was possible I might have ADHD, I started to pay attention to the two of them, the difference is night and day. He totally doesn’t think it is a real thing, but I have had thorough neuropsych eval and spoken to multiple therapist who agree that it is the proper diagnosis. Stimulates are amazing for reducing my anxiety.


I do have some sympathy and empathy for him, but he just does not seem willing to really better himself. I realize he is older now, but it isn’t like he hasn’t had decades before now.

A month ago, I was going to show him how to make pasta and some basics. He was too tired and I didn’t get there in time. He literally screamed at me because I was frustrated that he was “tired” and it was my fault for not showing up earlier…mind you, I spent the first half of my day at doctor appointments with them because they stress him out, he doesn’t take notes, etc….then worked at my VP level job and then came over to shop and cook for them.

I am just complaining now, but it is really frustrating not to have someone that is attempting to help (he thinks he is because he drives to the doctors and he will call every five minutes on something he deems important but isn’t).

Would the social worker at the facility she is at have resources for partners who don’t know what they are doing? That might be the easiest way to someone else to make recommendations to him.