One thing I didn't understand about the physical aspect of motherhood was how much of the physical contact with my kids would not be comfortable for me. It's not all snuggles and hugs and holding hands.

Today my DD, who has been cooped up at home sick for three days, had a mini meltdown. Of course she didn't want DH, only me (the more upset she is, the stronger her preference for me). I was lying on her bed with her to comfort her, and she wanted me right next to her, hugging her. But at the same time she's still upset and disregulated, so she's pushing her feet into my thighs. She wants my arms wrapped around her but she's basically shoving my legs away. It's not tender or sweet, it's freaking exhausting. Eventually she relaxed and it's this whole ordeal. It's not all just kissing booboos and giving hugs.

Add in all the normal, day-to-day contact like wrestling a toddler into clothes they don't want to put on, lifting a kid up high enough to see something, or strapping them into car seats, or carrying them the last block home when their legs give out. Some of that can be tender and sweet, and some of it can be a battle, it can be hot and sweaty when you just want space, it can be repetitive to a Groundhog's Day level of monotony.

I love snuggling my DD while I read to her in bed at night. I love our hugs goodbye and hello before and after preschool. I'm so glad to be there to kiss the booboos and offer hugs and carry her when she needs it. And also, some days, it's physically taxing, exhausting, work. That I'm supposed to treasure every minute of. And sometimes I don't. And no one else can do it.

And yeah, after a day or a week of that, if my DH sidles up next to me on the couch or in bed, I am annoyed. And then he's hurt and it's like "really? you too? I already went through this today." It's too much.

I need some kind of two week silent, no touch retreat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read the article, but I also find the pp who is obsessed with putting down all of us weak mothers who find motherhood very hard annoying and off topic. I guarantee that lady had easy kids.

Just commenting to say touched out is so real. It’s visceral. Knowing intellectually the difficult details of parenthood before you have a child simply does not prepare you for what it feels like to be a stay at home mom to a child who is so high needs and sensitive the paid help quit and who has only contact napped since birth and who still wants to be held and nursed like a newborn (I don’t let her but she makes it clear that’s her preference). Touched out doesn’t even begin to describe how done I am with being touched most days. Months. Years.

I’m not a SAHM and I actually have paid help but I feel this in my bones. I’ve done so many things to cultivate breaks for myself, and on the whole I think I get more downtime than most moms. And yet it just never enough. Even when I’ve orchestrated time alone, without my kids, away from DH and my house, I STILL feel like it’s hard to go back to them. I feel like I’m going to need years of good sleep and alone time before I feel anywhere near back to my baseline or some kind of normal.

Same

I have a clingy, over the top 2 year old. When she naps I need to decompress. I find I can’t do much. I’m actually a type A person and not lazy at all but after my 2 year old is done with me it’s hard. Except that’s when my older kids think they can play with me. And thats totally fair to them. Basically there’s never a second of downtime until they’re all in bed. And then I’m expected to scrub the house from top to bottom until I fall into bed.

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (2,4, 7). I often feel touched out. Recently I flinched when my 7 year old tried to hold my hand and I realized how touched out I was. I’m still nursing the 24m old which I love, but I’m sure it’s a part of it. It’s just during wake up and sleep. That part is the best part of our days. The rest of the time when she won’t let other people hold her, help her get or talk to her sucks. The other two are all over me too. Like I still can’t pee in private.

The weird part is that Dh never understands. He’s a great dad and very hands on, but they don’t want to snuggle him nonstop or nurse him.

I call this the “swarm” and my kids do it too. They’ve never once swarmed DH. It’s awful.

I have 3 kids (2,4, 7). I often feel touched out. Recently I flinched when my 7 year old tried to hold my hand and I realized how touched out I was. I’m still nursing the 24m old which I love, but I’m sure it’s a part of it. It’s just during wake up and sleep. That part is the best part of our days. The rest of the time when she won’t let other people hold her, help her get or talk to her sucks. The other two are all over me too. Like I still can’t pee in private.

The weird part is that Dh never understands. He’s a great dad and very hands on, but they don’t want to snuggle him nonstop or nurse him.

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read the article, but I also find the pp who is obsessed with putting down all of us weak mothers who find motherhood very hard annoying and off topic. I guarantee that lady had easy kids.

Just commenting to say touched out is so real. It’s visceral. Knowing intellectually the difficult details of parenthood before you have a child simply does not prepare you for what it feels like to be a stay at home mom to a child who is so high needs and sensitive the paid help quit and who has only contact napped since birth and who still wants to be held and nursed like a newborn (I don’t let her but she makes it clear that’s her preference). Touched out doesn’t even begin to describe how done I am with being touched most days. Months. Years.

I’m not a SAHM and I actually have paid help but I feel this in my bones. I’ve done so many things to cultivate breaks for myself, and on the whole I think I get more downtime than most moms. And yet it just never enough. Even when I’ve orchestrated time alone, without my kids, away from DH and my house, I STILL feel like it’s hard to go back to them. I feel like I’m going to need years of good sleep and alone time before I feel anywhere near back to my baseline or some kind of normal.

Didn’t read the article, but I also find the pp who is obsessed with putting down all of us weak mothers who find motherhood very hard annoying and off topic. I guarantee that lady had easy kids.

Just commenting to say touched out is so real. It’s visceral. Knowing intellectually the difficult details of parenthood before you have a child simply does not prepare you for what it feels like to be a stay at home mom to a child who is so high needs and sensitive the paid help quit and who has only contact napped since birth and who still wants to be held and nursed like a newborn (I don’t let her but she makes it clear that’s her preference). Touched out doesn’t even begin to describe how done I am with being touched most days. Months. Years.

Yeesh, I'm a preschool teacher and I'm "touched out." The kids are great but some of them are so, so needy. I give hugs readily but it's not enough for them. They want laps, handholding, physical proximity at all times. It's exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really enjoyed her book Cultish, so I’ll pick this one up!

oops— Cultish is Amanda Montell, not Montei. Never mind.

I am excited about Montei's book, but I love Amanda Montell on Sounds Like a Cult (podcast!).

They probably even have an episode on "The Cult of Motherhood."

Anonymous wrote:I really enjoyed her book Cultish, so I’ll pick this one up!

oops— Cultish is Amanda Montell, not Montei. Never mind.

I really enjoyed her book Cultish, so I’ll pick this one up!

OP here. Thank you to the last two PPs -- yes, I think people are just responding to the thread title (which is a quote from the interview/book but is not meant to be taken as literally as people are). I'm glad it struck a chord with others.

I read this interview this morning and have been turning it over again and again in my head all day. For those who are not reading it and getting caught up w “is motherhood a scam?”, just read the thing. It’s really thoughtful.

I have been deconstructing a lot about my life since Covid and this helped me understand a lot about what I “know” now but I’m too inarticulate to verbalize or even know how to explain to myself. Her views on ambivalence were awesome

It's about how 21st-century motherhood is a scam in countries like the US. It's not about mothering as a whole. Much of the link talks about why women who care for their children all day aren't interested in sex and then are blamed for that lack of interest.

If a person thinks motherhood is a scam, that person shouldn't be procreating.

If one looks at it as an evolutionary instinctual thing, one might have more empathy for the child's needs here.
They are little and vulnerable. The adult is a physical appendage for everything they can't do themselves. They need to know that there is an adult who is there for facilitate survival for them. It's reflex and instinct. If humans did not evolve to require this in their early years the species would have been in trouble.
Don't worry, they'll grow out of it and ditch you by the time they are in middle school.

My kids are too busy with homework, chores, and reading to bother me. I would love more attention!