Anonymous
Post 09/19/2023 11:37     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a former introverted kid, I'd be careful about judging her for choosing a quiet setting at lunch, or choosing other quiet kids as her companions.

It sounds like she's comfortable with the plan. I wouldn't introduce the thought that it's a bad plan, just because it's different than what you would have chosen.



Respectfully pp, your thinking is dated. The newer thinking is to encourage kids to expand horizons. Reason being anxiety and depression increase when fed, trigger avoidance leads to 25 year olds who can't thrive in society.
So yes the movies is a nice option but she should work on moving away from it as a daily option.

I also don't feel op is judging ber daughter but is rightfully concerned


She is a new student in MIDDLE school. She should do whatever she feels comfortable with right now. Forcing her out of her comfort zone is NOT the way to deal with this right now. That INCREASES anxiety.

OP, you are right. Do not push her. Middle school is awful, even to the non introverts. Of course you ask questions and monitor her. You can even email the teacher and ask her to email you if anything seems really off.

But let the poor girl adjust for the first month or so - geez!!
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2023 11:12     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thanks so much for the kind and supportive words. And you're right, it is early. I agree the teacher is awesome for holding the room open during lunch; that wasn't obvious to me until you all pointed it out. So ridiculous how I can get wrapped up in worry.

I just received her school photo, and she's not even smiling. But on that day, she came home telling me all about the stories of other kids, what the photographer would or wouldn't let them do, etc. so maybe she just felt self-conscious being photographed in front of everyone. And other days, she's come home talking about kids -- random stories and bits. Maybe she's just observing, checking things out, and will wade on in when it feels right.


My daughter is an extrovert/introvert with anxiety. She is a freshman now but she HATED the lunch room. She would socialize and be happy to see everyone, but didn't feel comfortable eating in front of everyone and hated all the gossip and meanness going on. She would leave with a friend or alone and walk the halls to de-stress. Some kids need that downtime and that teacher is absolutely amazing. Please email the teacher and cc the principal and tell them how much their class means to your daughter during lunch and recognize that she is taking her own time to help some kids de-stress and cope.

I bet the teacher doesn't want to eat in the teacher's lounge for the SAME reason these kids come to her room. But it's still amazing they offer it.


I agree with PP. Email the teacher and thank her for giving these kids a place to be. I'd offer to order them pizza sometime!


+1
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2023 10:59     Subject: Re:my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:I have horrible memories of lunch. I typically went to the library but they would only give out so many passes and it was so stressful being sure to get there and get one.

I am a happy, well-adjusted adult with many friends.

The teacher doing that is amazing. That's not nothing for them as I bet it's their down time to be away from students if they choose.


This +1 I also usually went to the liubrary during lunch also. I think I went to the cafeteria literally once in high school. Needless to say, I walked out of graduation and did not say goodbye to anyone. Went to a SLAC where I had a great time, joined a sorority, had tons of friends and always had someone to out with. Fast forward 30+ years, now married 26 years, with a great job and great kids. Never do i look back at HS at all, much less to be sad that I had no one to sit with at lunch. I will qualify that I was a nationally ranked athlete in a non school sport so I had a small group of close friends there and my own self confidence came from that part of my life, not HS.

I love what this teacher is doing.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2023 10:48     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thanks so much for the kind and supportive words. And you're right, it is early. I agree the teacher is awesome for holding the room open during lunch; that wasn't obvious to me until you all pointed it out. So ridiculous how I can get wrapped up in worry.

I just received her school photo, and she's not even smiling. But on that day, she came home telling me all about the stories of other kids, what the photographer would or wouldn't let them do, etc. so maybe she just felt self-conscious being photographed in front of everyone. And other days, she's come home talking about kids -- random stories and bits. Maybe she's just observing, checking things out, and will wade on in when it feels right.


My daughter is an extrovert/introvert with anxiety. She is a freshman now but she HATED the lunch room. She would socialize and be happy to see everyone, but didn't feel comfortable eating in front of everyone and hated all the gossip and meanness going on. She would leave with a friend or alone and walk the halls to de-stress. Some kids need that downtime and that teacher is absolutely amazing. Please email the teacher and cc the principal and tell them how much their class means to your daughter during lunch and recognize that she is taking her own time to help some kids de-stress and cope.

I bet the teacher doesn't want to eat in the teacher's lounge for the SAME reason these kids come to her room. But it's still amazing they offer it.


I agree with PP. Email the teacher and thank her for giving these kids a place to be. I'd offer to order them pizza sometime!
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2023 10:43     Subject: Re:my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
To OP - Your DD is in 7th grade so you still have plenty of time to get her to be good with sports so that by the time she gets to high school, she can become a high school varsity athlete. If that happens, she will not have any problems making friends.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2023 09:33     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thanks so much for the kind and supportive words. And you're right, it is early. I agree the teacher is awesome for holding the room open during lunch; that wasn't obvious to me until you all pointed it out. So ridiculous how I can get wrapped up in worry.

I just received her school photo, and she's not even smiling. But on that day, she came home telling me all about the stories of other kids, what the photographer would or wouldn't let them do, etc. so maybe she just felt self-conscious being photographed in front of everyone. And other days, she's come home talking about kids -- random stories and bits. Maybe she's just observing, checking things out, and will wade on in when it feels right.


My daughter is an extrovert/introvert with anxiety. She is a freshman now but she HATED the lunch room. She would socialize and be happy to see everyone, but didn't feel comfortable eating in front of everyone and hated all the gossip and meanness going on. She would leave with a friend or alone and walk the halls to de-stress. Some kids need that downtime and that teacher is absolutely amazing. Please email the teacher and cc the principal and tell them how much their class means to your daughter during lunch and recognize that she is taking her own time to help some kids de-stress and cope.

I bet the teacher doesn't want to eat in the teacher's lounge for the SAME reason these kids come to her room. But it's still amazing they offer it.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2023 07:06     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a former introverted kid, I'd be careful about judging her for choosing a quiet setting at lunch, or choosing other quiet kids as her companions.

It sounds like she's comfortable with the plan. I wouldn't introduce the thought that it's a bad plan, just because it's different than what you would have chosen.



Respectfully pp, your thinking is dated. The newer thinking is to encourage kids to expand horizons. Reason being anxiety and depression increase when fed, trigger avoidance leads to 25 year olds who can't thrive in society.
So yes the movies is a nice option but she should work on moving away from it as a daily option.

I also don't feel op is judging ber daughter but is rightfully concerned


OP’s kid independently figured out the options at her school, and found a way to spend that time comfortably sharing a mutual interest with people she seems to be enjoying. That’s exactly the kind of person thing people wish their anxious kids would do. Gossiping about a kid’s healthy choices and wishing that they acted like the teens in HS musical isn’t in her best interest.

Anonymous
Post 09/19/2023 06:51     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a former introverted kid, I'd be careful about judging her for choosing a quiet setting at lunch, or choosing other quiet kids as her companions.

It sounds like she's comfortable with the plan. I wouldn't introduce the thought that it's a bad plan, just because it's different than what you would have chosen.



Respectfully pp, your thinking is dated. The newer thinking is to encourage kids to expand horizons. Reason being anxiety and depression increase when fed, trigger avoidance leads to 25 year olds who can't thrive in society.
So yes the movies is a nice option but she should work on moving away from it as a daily option.

I also don't feel op is judging ber daughter but is rightfully concerned


NP and I don’t see anything in OP’s post describing anxiety or depression. Her kid says she’s eating with other kids and she she is, even if they aren’t talking.

I was social in high school and had friends in lunch but often choose to go to one of the art rooms. I wasn’t one of the art kids but took a couple electives and found it peaceful and welcoming. I liked the quiet alone time to work on anything or better yet, be alone in a dark room. As an adult, I always eat alone at work. I never go to the common lunch room. It’s noisy and gives me a headache, even when they are my friends in there laughing. I need quiet time in the day to recharge.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2023 03:59     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a former introverted kid, I'd be careful about judging her for choosing a quiet setting at lunch, or choosing other quiet kids as her companions.

It sounds like she's comfortable with the plan. I wouldn't introduce the thought that it's a bad plan, just because it's different than what you would have chosen.



Respectfully pp, your thinking is dated. The newer thinking is to encourage kids to expand horizons. Reason being anxiety and depression increase when fed, trigger avoidance leads to 25 year olds who can't thrive in society.
So yes the movies is a nice option but she should work on moving away from it as a daily option.

I also don't feel op is judging ber daughter but is rightfully concerned


Why change the movie lunch where she’s happy? Encourage her to talk to the other kids there. Expand horizons in other ways, there are tons of better options than to sit in a 7th grade lunchroom.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2023 20:43     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a former introverted kid, I'd be careful about judging her for choosing a quiet setting at lunch, or choosing other quiet kids as her companions.

It sounds like she's comfortable with the plan. I wouldn't introduce the thought that it's a bad plan, just because it's different than what you would have chosen.



Respectfully pp, your thinking is dated. The newer thinking is to encourage kids to expand horizons. Reason being anxiety and depression increase when fed, trigger avoidance leads to 25 year olds who can't thrive in society.
So yes the movies is a nice option but she should work on moving away from it as a daily option.

I also don't feel op is judging ber daughter but is rightfully concerned


This is a reach. I agree with the PP. It may be her preference to eat in the teacher’s room. She isn’t alone- not really. There are others in there. If she is ok with that, I wouldn’t make her feel badly about it or that is was anything other than ok. Middle school lunch rooms are chaos. Maybe she will slowly form friendships with the others that eat in the teacher’s room. They already have something in common
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2023 20:19     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:As a former introverted kid, I'd be careful about judging her for choosing a quiet setting at lunch, or choosing other quiet kids as her companions.

It sounds like she's comfortable with the plan. I wouldn't introduce the thought that it's a bad plan, just because it's different than what you would have chosen.



Respectfully pp, your thinking is dated. The newer thinking is to encourage kids to expand horizons. Reason being anxiety and depression increase when fed, trigger avoidance leads to 25 year olds who can't thrive in society.
So yes the movies is a nice option but she should work on moving away from it as a daily option.

I also don't feel op is judging ber daughter but is rightfully concerned
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2023 19:06     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
As a former introverted kid, I'd be careful about judging her for choosing a quiet setting at lunch, or choosing other quiet kids as her companions.

It sounds like she's comfortable with the plan. I wouldn't introduce the thought that it's a bad plan, just because it's different than what you would have chosen.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2023 18:57     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
Anonymous wrote:It's great she has the movie room option


However keep an eye on it.
Encourage her to talk to some of the kids. You can coach her on things to say.

Encourage her to join things as it's a way to meet people.
I say this as a former loner who ended up developing depression because I never had anyone guide me until well into adulthood.
Just keep an eye on things


Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry about the depression you experienced, and I will definitely keep an eye on this for my daughter. We've done role playing in the past; it could be helpful to bring it back if she's open to it.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2023 18:32     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
It's great she has the movie room option


However keep an eye on it.
Encourage her to talk to some of the kids. You can coach her on things to say.

Encourage her to join things as it's a way to meet people.
I say this as a former loner who ended up developing depression because I never had anyone guide me until well into adulthood.
Just keep an eye on things
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2023 18:16     Subject: my 7th grader basically eats alone every day at new school
OP here.

Thanks so much for the kind and supportive words. And you're right, it is early. I agree the teacher is awesome for holding the room open during lunch; that wasn't obvious to me until you all pointed it out. So ridiculous how I can get wrapped up in worry.

I just received her school photo, and she's not even smiling. But on that day, she came home telling me all about the stories of other kids, what the photographer would or wouldn't let them do, etc. so maybe she just felt self-conscious being photographed in front of everyone. And other days, she's come home talking about kids -- random stories and bits. Maybe she's just observing, checking things out, and will wade on in when it feels right.