This is a learned behavior as you say, so I'd try to have some compassion around it. We all want to be unlike our parents, and we succeed in some ways and fail in others. You're aware of it, so you could break the cycle.

Could you bring up this dynamic to her? "I used to get so upset hearing grandpa say this to you, and now you're doing the same to me. I'm so curious about this - what's going on for you?"

Have a conversation and then decide what to do.

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom get a la ti dah..."I'm an aristocrat or royalty" voice when she says it? My mom will say some version of "you're cut out of my will" like "I've been thinking about re-doing my will" using a very menacing and obnoxious voice. It reminds me of the alcoholic, self-absorbed mother from Arrested Development, but not nearly as funny or endearing. I used to just calmly say "it's your money, do whatever you want" but she got me on a bad day when I had an insane amount of stress and I finally said "STFU about all your money and your will. Try being a decent person. Do some volunteer work for once or donate to a charity where you actually help people. Just shut up about all.your.money. Your obsession with flaunting your wealth is disgusting." And...she never brought up her buckets of money again!

"If you want to control me with money, pay me to put up with you now. I don't want an inheritance; your death will be reward enough in itself."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this is my family.
Mom spent decades deliberately triangulating my sibling and i, and left all money to my sibling (who would very gladly and gleefully keep it all) to help ensure, even in death, that my sibling and i would never have a positive relationship.
It's impossible for people without parent(s) and/or sibling(s) like this to remotely understand, OP.

same same. I dont care about the money, but I'm still grieving the loss of the family I thought I had. I went no contact and have no regrets, but it's a loss nonetheless. They used money as a means of control, but I removed myself from their manipulative garbage. The silver lining for me is that after lots of therapy I'm a cycle breaker. I will never treat my kids the way I was raised.

And these days you can sell the silver lining for good money.

It's not real game unless they call the bank to cancel the check after mailing you a wedding gift check.


My will sends it all to a secret charity because I don't want anyone murdering me.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this is my family.
Mom spent decades deliberately triangulating my sibling and i, and left all money to my sibling (who would very gladly and gleefully keep it all) to help ensure, even in death, that my sibling and i would never have a positive relationship.
It's impossible for people without parent(s) and/or sibling(s) like this to remotely understand, OP.

same same. I dont care about the money, but I'm still grieving the loss of the family I thought I had. I went no contact and have no regrets, but it's a loss nonetheless. They used money as a means of control, but I removed myself from their manipulative garbage. The silver lining for me is that after lots of therapy I'm a cycle breaker. I will never treat my kids the way I was raised.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the above is great advice. I’d add, if given the opportunity (I went no contact), “Oh, it’s so generous of you to be concerned about my financial health after you’re gone. But don’t you worry, I finally checked my Fidelity statement and my tech stocks are going gangbusters!”

I am laughing only because we just did this and parent was mad.

Ooooh imma need more details…

And good for you!

Yes, this is my family.
Mom spent decades deliberately triangulating my sibling and i, and left all money to my sibling (who would very gladly and gleefully keep it all) to help ensure, even in death, that my sibling and i would never have a positive relationship.
It's impossible for people without parent(s) and/or sibling(s) like this to remotely understand, OP.

That is disgusting. I understood I was in a position to inherit a large sum and still became estranged, because staying in abusive relationships is bad for your health and peace of mind. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.

Does your mom get a la ti dah..."I'm an aristocrat or royalty" voice when she says it? My mom will say some version of "you're cut out of my will" like "I've been thinking about re-doing my will" using a very menacing and obnoxious voice. It reminds me of the alcoholic, self-absorbed mother from Arrested Development, but not nearly as funny or endearing. I used to just calmly say "it's your money, do whatever you want" but she got me on a bad day when I had an insane amount of stress and I finally said "STFU about all your money and your will. Try being a decent person. Do some volunteer work for once or donate to a charity where you actually help people. Just shut up about all.your.money. Your obsession with flaunting your wealth is disgusting." And...she never brought up her buckets of money again!

Anonymous wrote:I come from the most screwed up family. My grandfather, every time he would get into a fight with anyone, would threaten to cut out their portion of the will. Then they’d make up and pretend it didn’t happen. He passed away and my mom inherited a big chunk. Now she is doing the same thing. At the slightest argument she’ll say something like “don’t expect anything from me when I die.” I would rather not inherit anything than hear about it for the next couple of decades. Does anyone else have family like this and how would you handle it?

F*ck off Mom. Keep your money. There's no amount of money worth dealing with you. Then sever contact.

Yes. My mom and dad are both narcissists and my sister is the stereotypical golden child who is emotionally immature and constantly having problems that require my parents to swoop in and save her (divorced after a few years; fired from multiple jobs; in the middle of a lease moved out of apartment she shared with her best friend because her best friend went on a date with someone she liked even though my sister was in the middle of a three year relationship; family of whomever she is dating is always “crazy” and person she is dating is forced to choose between her and them, etc). I am the scapegoat who did well in school, went to an Ivy for college, married a great guy, had kids, etc. I have distanced myself from my family because of ongoing dysfunction and constant scapegoating. When I interact with my mother she will say - without instigation - things like “your husband’s family is wealthy, so not sure you need an inheritance from us”. It feels like she’s looking for a way to disinherit me and given what I have experienced thus far I’ve accepted that my parents’ probably will and it is what it is. My husband’s family is very wealthy but I don’t agree that should impact my inheritance as my husband and I could get divorced etc. But whatever, I can’t control my parents’ actions. However, I can set boundaries and protect myself and my family from dysfunction. So that’s my focus.

It's only worth it if it is a LOT of money. Otherwise not worth compromising your life.

She’s trying to compel you to do as she wants.

My dad is doing the same thing. I just grey rock it, and, in living far away, am too far away to be controlled by him. I am thankful he helped me earlier in life, and it would nice to inherit but he can do whatever he wants with his money. Yes it will be disappointing to not get anything, but life is full of disappointments and life goes on.

My husband's mother used to do this. Funny thing is she didn't have 2 nickels to rub together for at least a decade before she died.

Anonymous wrote:Sever contact. Easy.