Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

I would say you should probably expect this to happen. Adopting a teen is by definition an open adoption. You can’t cut them off from everything that happened before.

Another thing to consider is finances. Therapy is not covered by in-network insurance usually, and once you adopt, it’s your financial responsibility. As is getting the kid to and from therapy, going to IEP meetings, talking to the school, taking kid to school placement …

Anonymous wrote:Another consideration is that an older child may continue to have a relationship with their biological family, who bring in a whole host of other problems.

If the bio family members have criminal, drug, mental health problems, how are you prepared to handle them coming to your home to visit the kid and their influence over them?

Anonymous wrote:15 plus years ago I seriously considered this, as a single parent, and attended foster parent training program in DC. Seriously comprehensive and gave us “do gooders” a rude awakening. We met current DC foster and adoptive parents to share their lives and challenges. What concerned me the most was that despite all of the tremendous time and attention some of these adoptive parents put forth, and love, in several cases, their teens ran away to return to their former hoods and ultimately left their new families to return to their former lives, devastating the adoptive parent(s) who lost them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fostered a 10 year old and it was HARD. But I had not parented before. You are in a very different situation. I think it is definitely worth considering, but know that
a) the chances of mental illness, addiction, etc. are HIGH because of genetics and trauma.
b) the kid is likely not to see you as a parent--don't expect them to call you mom and dad or be grateful to you. If you can be ok with that and take on a role more akin to a caring aunt/uncle/boarding school dorm monitor that may work better for kids who aren't ready to attach to another parent and may never be.
c) have therapists lined up for yourself and other kids in the household, and ideally someone who can prescribe meds. Most people I know who adopt from foster care end up needing this and the worst time to seek mental health care is when you are already depressed or anxious or traumatized.
d) maintaining birth order is generally recommended, so a kid younger than your youngest.
e) depending on your background, you may face major cultural barriers. I was the same race as the kid I fostered but there were a lot of class and urban/rural differences. Making sure your kid has a lot of "mirrors" (doctors, therapists, teachers, classmates, hair stylists, people involved in extracurriculars) is really crucial if you can't provide that in your house. And know that it's hard for a kid to stand out when you go out as a family!

It is not going to be easy, but someone needs to do it and you seem like you could be a good fit. If you wanted to get your feet wet, DCFYI has some ways to do that. Or you could contact your local child welfare agency and ask about the process to do respite care.

Another option could be to volunteer with kids /young adults who are not necessarily in foster care, but share similar issues (or you may be able to mentor in a way that helps keep kids out of foster care). Sasha Bruce Youthworks, DC127 (note you don't have to be Christian), and Generation Hope are all good options.

Good luck and it's great that you are considering this!

Op here. The so much for this reply. I'm typing on my phone so this will be short but we're a nurse/doctor couple and have always practiced in inner-city settings so have a fair amount of exposure to trauma, addiction, etc through work.

We have a stable family, income, house. Very well connected to our neighborhood, schools, church. we seem to complement each other well as parents. if we adopted a kid who is now 11 (2 years younger than our youngest) we would have been 37 and 40 at his/her birth. So this fits well into a natural trajectory of our lives.

Anonymous wrote:I and many of my friends adopted kids who experienced significant trauma. (All adopted kids have had some trauma but some real with it better than others). It will be nothing like your parenting experience. Things we are all experiencing include ADHD, cognitive issues that require expensive services, drug use/abuse, vaping, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, defiance, serious mental health issues, running away, violence, internet abuse, and the list goes on. We spend our time looking for services, trying to get IEPs, trying to get mental health treatment, trying to find that magic medication cocktail. And some of us have had to evict a child because of incredible defiance and violence. We all experience joy too. But each thing I listed, except for eviction, is something everyone in my group has experienced. Peaceful periods have been few and far between and they don’t last long. Trauma is no joke.

I would not have written this post except that you seem to think that parenting a kid who comes to you as a teen with probably multiple disruptions and a terribly difficult life will somehow resemble your parenting experience. I don’t think you should necessarily walk away. But you should go in with your eyes wide open. If you don’t think you or your younger child can live with holes that have been punched into your walls or sleepless nights waiting for the police to find your child who hasn’t come home yet again, adoption of a teen might not be for you.