Troll. First OP said the single parent is recently widowed and now the mom has terminal cancer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

The sahm is terminal. I met her husband through work years ago. Became close family friends but haven’t lived close by for years.

I do think dad can handle things - I just feel there needs to be “more” hands on deck.
Mom is the emotional rock, maybe a softie.

I get no sub for the mom who raised them but maybe a bridge to hs graduation.

Ah that show “Shrinking” - what s supportive tight friend group. I know my friend (the mom) is the one who in organizes anything social. I wonder if they will be forgotten as months pass.

What in the world??!! [b]Who asked you to stick your nose in and put on your thinking cap to show you know to "fix" this family? How arrogant!

His wife.

She’s like some structure for her children. No family available to help out

So she is hoping to meet some potentials

This is totally bananas — stop trying to solve things for a man who has not even lost his wife yet.

Op, you could look for someone like that and keep it open - live out or live in. But don’t focus on whether the person can live in or not, but more figure out what you want this person to do, what will be the hours, responsibilities, pay & benefits that you offer. You may find someone you click with and develop a longer term relationship or may be you won’t. But focus on the job and not on finding a tenant.

May be you’re really looking for a tenant and not a housekeeper nanny?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

The sahm is terminal. I met her husband through work years ago. Became close family friends but haven’t lived close by for years.

I do think dad can handle things - I just feel there needs to be “more” hands on deck.
Mom is the emotional rock, maybe a softie.

I get no sub for the mom who raised them but maybe a bridge to hs graduation.

Ah that show “Shrinking” - what s supportive tight friend group. I know my friend (the mom) is the one who organizes anything social. I wonder if they will be forgotten as months pass.

What in the world??!! Who asked you to stick your nose in and put on your thinking cap to show you know to "fix" this family? How arrogant!

Right? So this isn't even your family, OP?

Anonymous wrote:OP here

The sahm is terminal. I met her husband through work years ago. Became close family friends but haven’t lived close by for years.

I do think dad can handle things - I just feel there needs to be “more” hands on deck.
Mom is the emotional rock, maybe a softie.

I get no sub for the mom who raised them but maybe a bridge to hs graduation.

Ah that show “Shrinking” - what s supportive tight friend group. I know my friend (the mom) is the one who organizes anything social. I wonder if they will be forgotten as months pass.

What in the world??!! Who asked you to stick your nose in and put on your thinking cap to show you know to "fix" this family? How arrogant!

A house share. Op, you maybe think of it this way -- you're renting-out a room in your house. Unofficially, your family shares most of the house. Maybe start with just the room arrangement, expand if you all get along. After years of more, it may feel like family.

A big negative: people have other loved-ones in their life. You don't want your housemate inviting more people, to stop by, to occasionally overnight.

OP here

The sahm is terminal. I met her husband through work years ago. Became close family friends but haven’t lived close by for years.

I do think dad can handle things - I just feel there needs to be “more” hands on deck.
Mom is the emotional rock, maybe a softie.

I get no sub for the mom who raised them but maybe a bridge to hs graduation.

Ah that show “Shrinking” - what s supportive tight friend group. I know my friend (the mom) is the one who organizes anything social. I wonder if they will be forgotten as months pass.

OP - Are you trying to hire help for a recently widowed father? What is your relationship to this family? Why can’t friends be more present and provide that family connection and warmth while the dad hires help for cooking, cleaning, and laundry. It sounds like you don’t think this guy can handle life without his wife.

People rightly pointed out the power dynamics and unrealistic expectations of this scenario- while assuming you are asking for yourself. Asking a 50-60 yr old woman to step in and be the housewife to a widowed man not much younger is even weirder and I imagine most women would feel awkward in that scenario. Maybe the widower status is recent and he hasn’t gotten back on his feet yet - but he’ll get there. Also if my husband was suddenly a widower, I don’t think he’d last a year without having several divorced moms we know popping by and acting motherly on a regular basis to try to date him.

^sorry, should have specified "a woman in her late 50's prospects for employment..."

Anonymous wrote:The actress who played Aunt Bea was 58 when the show started. So if you are looking for someone keep that age in mind. As a kid I loved the Great Brain series set in Utah in the late 1890’s. It’s was based on the life of the author. They had a widowed woman who lived with them since the death of her husband. Aunt Bertha, the author rote, “She wasn’t really our aunt, but we called her Aunt Bertha because she was just like one of the family.”

So I think you need to look at someone in their late 50’s. I think there are women out there who would live that arrangement.

A woman's prospects for employment and/or marriage to a man who could support her were FAR more limited in 19th century Utah, than they are today.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay.

You cannot circumnavigate the responsibilities of employment by finding someone older or otherwise marginalized. It does not matter if you think it’s a “good deal” “for them.” Also not being lonely is not compensation.

Start here.
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fact-sheets/79b-flsa-live-in-domestic-workers

OP here. I can see how that came off.

I was envisioning a widow (or heck even an older couple) who are nurturing.
Not so much about tasks as much as supporting single parent (recently widowed) to make house feel less sad, but to help out a bit.

Look at Au Pair programs to get an idea of the number of hours a week, types of tasks, and boundaries that might be appropriate. Also if their kids are grown, they likely enjoy a lot of freedom in their schedule and might also need time to go visit said kids.

If you want an older person to be a live-in grandparent, the natural place I’d start is church if you belong to one. But it would still take time to build those relationships naturally.

If you want to hire a live-in housekeeper / nanny, look to your neighbors who have nannies that are age 50+ and ask those nannies for recommendations for their friends. If you get an older woman who is a professional nanny, you may eventually build a close relationship with them but you still have a power dynamic where their employment and housing is dependent on you.

The actress who played Aunt Bea was 58 when the show started. So if you are looking for someone keep that age in mind. As a kid I loved the Great Brain series set in Utah in the late 1890’s. It’s was based on the life of the author. They had a widowed woman who lived with them since the death of her husband. Aunt Bertha, the author rote, “She wasn’t really our aunt, but we called her Aunt Bertha because she was just like one of the family.”

So I think you need to look at someone in their late 50’s. I think there are women out there who would live that arrangement.

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being too harsh here. Here's what I would think in terms of:

- cleaning service to come at least once a week
- Friendly person to come every day after school through early evening and do light straightening, light laundry, cook dinner, grocery shop, possibly, and be there for the kids if needed, drive them to activities.

I'll bet there are former SAHMs in their 50s who would be happy to have this job at $25/hour or so. I don't think you'd advertise that you want to hire a grandma, but look for applicants who are warm and like children and tell them a big part of the job is to support the kids.

The only other thought I have for you is that YOU are probably all the family and support your kids really need. Lean into building, nurturing relationships with them.

Good luck to you, OP. This situation sounds hard.

I'm a SAHM to a high school senior in my late 40's, so I read the above and it sounds like you're describing my situation starting next year.
While I wouldn't mind a part time job doing those types of tasks, I feel like the hours wouldn't be ideal. I'm married and my husband and I are looking forward to evenings where we aren't rushing to sports, PTA meetings, etc. It will be nice for us to be able to schedule vacations during the school year where crowds and prices are lower.
I'd guess most women in my situation would feel like that--we don't want to spend all day sitting at home and then right before our Dh comes home from work, leave the house to spend 4-5 hours taking care of someone else's family, only to return home right before our Dh goes to sleep.

I think people are being too harsh here. Here's what I would think in terms of:

- cleaning service to come at least once a week
- Friendly person to come every day after school through early evening and do light straightening, light laundry, cook dinner, grocery shop, possibly, and be there for the kids if needed, drive them to activities.

I'll bet there are former SAHMs in their 50s who would be happy to have this job at $25/hour or so. I don't think you'd advertise that you want to hire a grandma, but look for applicants who are warm and like children and tell them a big part of the job is to support the kids.

The only other thought I have for you is that YOU are probably all the family and support your kids really need. Lean into building, nurturing relationships with them.

Good luck to you, OP. This situation sounds hard.