She sounds like a d*ck

OP here. Yep therapy is happening.

Thank you. Carrying shame is heavy

OP, I think getting some therapy to work through why you feel such shame over what happened many, many years ago would be helpful. You should feel so proud of how you bounced back from a tough situation. Not many people can do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. So don’t be friends with her. Move on.

I am sure this was very uncomfortable for everyone. I would not expect my friends to “defend me.” Your expectations are off.

NP. If someone laid into my friend like that in front of me, I would never sit there and say nothing. My god.

+1 I don’t even know OP and I want to throttle that woman.

Anonymous wrote:WTF. So don’t be friends with her. Move on.

I am sure this was very uncomfortable for everyone. I would not expect my friends to “defend me.” Your expectations are off.

NP. You are a bad egg, PP.

OP, I’m so sorry this happened. These are not your friends, and that woman sounds off her rocker. She’s not okay. People who are okay don’t behave in that manner.

But perhaps you haven’t fully moved past that time in your life, because you were vulnerable to someone who is clearly full of s**t. It might benefit you to unpack it a bit in therapy.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You got through an incredibly difficult time, and made a better life for yourself.

Sounds like OP over-shared then became aggressively defensive when called on it. OP, it sounds like you are the one who turned this interaction hostile with your “questions” and no one “defended” you because you are at fault for over sharing (foregiveable) and defensiveness (annoying).

If someone in their 40s said they struggled in their 40s but are doing well now, 25 years later, she probably made a lighthearted joke because that was a quarter of a century ago. Next time don't unload so much on people you barely know. It's awkward. And also you may not be doing as well as you think you are to be this upset over supposedly ancient history.

OP created an awkward situation and people reacted. It's forgivable. None of us know if the party lady was being sarcastic or joking or defensive because she felt attacked by OP.

Take a lesson from it. Work on yourself first, so you don't hate yourself and get defensive about it, before you sharthe heavy story with acquaintances. Stick with 'It took me until age 28 to find my path in life, and it was rough at times, but it was worth the wait to get to where I am now".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate everyone thank you.

May I ask, how is it obvious that I’m on the spectrum? I’ve never been diagnosed but maybe I am!

I'm the PP who said that. I live with autistic people, and have met many others in the course of their therapies. I'm not sure it's obvious to others, but from the way you write about yourself and your interactions, you display a lot of rigidity about your social expectations and life trajectory. It appears you see yourself as having been, essentially, "bad", and you perseverate and can't let it go. That is very typical of high-functioning autism. Often patients have comorbidities, so you could also be depressed and socially anxious. But your way of assessing your past is very caricatural, there seems to be no room for flexibility, emotional maturity and compassion, and that is mostly an autistic thing.

The label matters only as much as it helps you figure out strategies to help yourself.

About your friends: if no friends feel like real friends... it's perhaps because you don't quite connect. Maybe your responses aren't quite on target with the subject matter (off topic, oversharing, making light of serious things, or taking a joke seriously). It's really, really hard for people on the spectrum to have a meaningful, deep friendship with someone.


Or maybe I'm totally wrong, in which case I apologize.

OP here. When I was in highschool I had friends. However I was always very guarded. I never shared everything about myself. Is this what you’re talking about?
I have 0 compassion for myself like you said. But I am able to have compassion for others.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate everyone thank you.

May I ask, how is it obvious that I’m on the spectrum? I’ve never been diagnosed but maybe I am!

I'm the PP who said that. I live with autistic people, and have met many others in the course of their therapies. I'm not sure it's obvious to others, but from the way you write about yourself and your interactions, you display a lot of rigidity about your social expectations and life trajectory. It appears you see yourself as having been, essentially, "bad", and you perseverate and can't let it go. That is very typical of high-functioning autism. Often patients have comorbidities, so you could also be depressed and socially anxious. But your way of assessing your past is very caricatural, there seems to be no room for flexibility, emotional maturity and compassion, and that is mostly an autistic thing.

The label matters only as much as it helps you figure out strategies to help yourself.

About your friends: if no friends feel like real friends... it's perhaps because you don't quite connect. Maybe your responses aren't quite on target with the subject matter (off topic, oversharing, making light of serious things, or taking a joke seriously). It's really, really hard for people on the spectrum to have a meaningful, deep friendship with someone.


Or maybe I'm totally wrong, in which case I apologize.

OP. Yes I agree with you latest PP. She was judgmental. I hadn’t been rude to her. So maybe she didn’t like me I guess.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I think the thing that bothered me the most is that she triggered something from when I was in my early twenties. At the time like I said I was basically fantasizing about suicide.
But now when she reacted this way, I’m thinking :” wow maybe I am an abhorrent human being for not having been perfection like most of my sorority type friends.”

You’re onto something here. Your reaction is amplified because the (none of her business) criticism landed on a very sensitive spot where YOU are the self-prosecutor. I’m not the huge therapy fan some on DCUM seem to be but it might help here with letting go of self-dislike.

Something that might be of value is to do sort of a meditation where you’re you as the adult you are now and you encounter that young, scared, suicide-ideating girl who feels she has no options and no hope. How would you react? What would you say?

Exercises like this can be painful but they can also be a powerful tool to separate the “now” you with your accomplishments (including survival) and the “then” you, who is still perhaps too present and too intertwined with your life now.

Another thought is to consider how damaged, shame-influenced and self-judging a person would have to be to say what this person said to you. You don’t have to rush to be her friend or go-dependent rescuer, but realizing that what she said is more about her than about you might be beneficial.

I hope this helps.

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it kind of sound like you hounded her with questions first. Why were you asking her if she's ever messed up or made mistakes?

Um, those questions came after the critical remarks about OP. Clearly.

OP here. I appreciate everyone thank you.

May I ask, how is it obvious that I’m on the spectrum? I’ve never been diagnosed but maybe I am!

OP, she sounds like a major B. Of course lots of us have screwed up in life. Her retort that she's responsible and has never made mistakes was incredibly unempathetic. It's also a lie. No one is perfect and she of course has screwed up before. She sounds like a lot of DCUM posters! There are a lot of people who are uncomfortable with mistakes so insist on projecting total confidence in their own perfection.

One thing I've learned in life is that many, if not most, people are pretty afraid of admitting that they don't know what they are doing, that they messed up, that they have regrets. I know people often say "especially in DC" but with this one, I really do think this is particularly common in DC. It's a fake it til you make it town and confidence is highly valued here, so there's less incentive to be willing to admit that you are imperfect. That can be hard if you are someone who is coming to term with your weaknesses. This can be a tough place to do that.

I recommend maybe looking for a support group that would enable you to talk about these things freely in a supportive atmosphere. I don't know what your specific issues are, but something like AlAnon or group therapy could be good. Those are places where people tend to be pretty up front about their vulnerabilities and mistakes, and there are actually rules in place intended to prevent people from being shaming or shutting you out. That could be really good for you.

Good for you for learning from your mistakes and making different choices. That can be so hard. I'm still working on it.