Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. My husband is adamant I not share the diagnosis with friends. He says it’s none of their business, it’s deeply personal information that we cannot control once shared, and he doesn’t want judgement, pity, or any sympathy from people who don’t get it. He also doesn’t want the kids being judged.

Judging your kids against NT kids is an issue and sets them up for failure.

+1. This is a huge red flag that your husband has issues he needs to work through. This has a strong potential to lead to greater problems between you, your husband, and kids. Do you think he’s in denial?

Op here. He is frustrated and angry about our kids and their diagnoses. I also have ADHD, as does my mom, and he seems to blame me for our kids and their challenges. He also repeatedly tells me how hard it is for him because me and the kids are all off in lalaland (his perspective) and he’s the only one who he thinks is paying attention to time, schedules, planning, household chores, etc. That is not true, and while I have always struggled with time blindness I try very hard to be attuned to the clock, the schedule we have, etc. He says he feels crazy living with all of us.

And actually I don’t think my friends know, I think they probably just think we are overbearing parents. One friend I see very infrequently and the other is usually socializing when we see each other at larger get togethers and usually pays little attention to what the kids are doing because hers can manage being unsupervised. I have alluded to the fact that our kids have challenging and we are working through issues but haven’t gotten more specific. I just think they do not get it, because their children are NT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. My husband is adamant I not share the diagnosis with friends. He says it’s none of their business, it’s deeply personal information that we cannot control once shared, and he doesn’t want judgement, pity, or any sympathy from people who don’t get it. He also doesn’t want the kids being judged.

Judging your kids against NT kids is an issue and sets them up for failure.

+1. This is a huge red flag that your husband has issues he needs to work through. This has a strong potential to lead to greater problems between you, your husband, and kids. Do you think he’s in denial?

I've started to share the diagnosis. I just was made to feel like a bad parent for a long time. Everyone telling me what I should do - help her, let her figure it out, bribe her, don't bribe her, be stricter, don't be so strict....

Now there's a better understanding that she processes differently and needs her own routines. Not to say that people fully understand, but I've made it clear that parenting her is different.

I've had to advocate harder for her needs and mine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. My husband is adamant I not share the diagnosis with friends. He says it’s none of their business, it’s deeply personal information that we cannot control once shared, and he doesn’t want judgement, pity, or any sympathy from people who don’t get it. He also doesn’t want the kids being judged.

Here’s the problem with that line of thinking: your kids get judged harder. Your friends noticed the tantrums/picky eating/symptoms. They did. But they didn’t have context because you hid it from them. Also, your kids are learning that their diagnoses are shameful secrets. You don’t mean to teach them that, but you are.

Your DH’s stubbornness is isolating you from friendships and community you desperately need.

100% agreed and the friends may be concerned that you aren't getting the kids help they need when in fact your are but you are hiding it from them.

I don't think I could continue to be friends with someone that I feel is very likely medically neglecting their kids and I no longer feel comfortable bringing up the subject. I would just fade.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. My husband is adamant I not share the diagnosis with friends. He says it’s none of their business, it’s deeply personal information that we cannot control once shared, and he doesn’t want judgement, pity, or any sympathy from people who don’t get it. He also doesn’t want the kids being judged.

You and your husband will get judged regardless, and people who don't get it will simply assume that you are both bad parents who don't know how to raise kids. Why would you want that to be the impression you create?

I think the less you go on trips though, the less exposure your kids will have to doing this differently and being more flexible.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. My husband is adamant I not share the diagnosis with friends. He says it’s none of their business, it’s deeply personal information that we cannot control once shared, and he doesn’t want judgement, pity, or any sympathy from people who don’t get it. He also doesn’t want the kids being judged.

Judging your kids against NT kids is an issue and sets them up for failure.

First I am sorry that among all the other challenges, you are also grieving the loss of adult social outlets.

It was life changing when my oldest started eating enough foods that we could reliably go to most restaurants and find something besides a milkshake. I am ok feeding my kid a milkshake and fries for a meal when we’re on vacation - but it’s an issue when you are with other families and they need their kids to eat healthier food. It’s hard to explain to others that my kid’s need to eat specific foods or stand up and spin in circles next to the table or sit under the table for a while for a “break” is not a choice or bad parenting. Now he’s old enough to play with a fidget toy thankfully.

In your position, I would just be honest. I would say “we’d like to go, but certain things are challenging for us.” I think if you ask for help and understanding, real friends will step up. When you try to hide it, they think your kids are “being bad” and you are “ignoring it”. If you let your kids be themselves as opposed to being embarrassed by things like autistic hand flapping or other stims - you may find that other parts of the trip are easier. If you get embarrassed when your kids are not acting NT, it makes it hard on everybody.

I know you think people don’t notice your kids differences, but they probably do. A real friend will have empathy and will ask “How can we make this trip easier / avoid triggers for Larlo?”

Anonymous wrote:Think of it this way, OP—they already know and they are still inviting you! So they obviously aren’t that judgmental. Your DH needs to grow a pair and accept his kids for who they are, including their challenges.

+1

DP here. If you at least skim the topic, they won't think that you are in denial, which is a good thing. If you look like you are trying to hide an elephant in the room, you will freak your friends out, and they will disappear. Just my two cents, from experience.

Think of it this way, OP—they already know and they are still inviting you! So they obviously aren’t that judgmental. Your DH needs to grow a pair and accept his kids for who they are, including their challenges.

Agreeing that you need to tell your friends. Also, do you have a therapist you can talk to?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, your friends probably already know. I am the poster who pays her teen to babysit the kids… We certainly knew something was up long before the family shared diagnoses. It doesn’t matter to us. No one is going to be surprised if their behavior is that bad.

+1. I would be upfront and just say "My kids have special needs and wouldn't handle a weekend trip very well right now." It opens you up to understanding and friendship from those who are willing to do that, and you deserve friendship from those people.

+2

Same. We have been in the same situation. The parents kind of tried to brush it off and pretend "nothing to see here", but honestly, it made for multiple awkward situations, and we ended up just phasing them out. The relationship could have worked if they were honest with us. They didn't have to tell us everything (or much), but pretending nothing was wrong was not working, at all.

To add, OP - they already know. 100% they know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH, your friends probably already know. I am the poster who pays her teen to babysit the kids… We certainly knew something was up long before the family shared diagnoses. It doesn’t matter to us. No one is going to be surprised if their behavior is that bad.

+1. I would be upfront and just say "My kids have special needs and wouldn't handle a weekend trip very well right now." It opens you up to understanding and friendship from those who are willing to do that, and you deserve friendship from those people.

+2

Same. We have been in the same situation. The parents kind of tried to brush it off and pretend "nothing to see here", but honestly, it made for multiple awkward situations, and we ended up just phasing them out. The relationship could have worked if they were honest with us. They didn't have to tell us everything (or much), but pretending nothing was wrong was not working, at all.

Op, your friends already know and pity you and judge you. That’s the way of the world. Control your behavior not others reactions. Hiding it is goofy and frankly really weird. As time goes on, you’re going to need to disclose in all kinds of situations.
Practice doing it with people who like you.

Anonymous wrote:TBH, your friends probably already know. I am the poster who pays her teen to babysit the kids… We certainly knew something was up long before the family shared diagnoses. It doesn’t matter to us. No one is going to be surprised if their behavior is that bad.

+1. I would be upfront and just say "My kids have special needs and wouldn't handle a weekend trip very well right now." It opens you up to understanding and friendship from those who are willing to do that, and you deserve friendship from those people.