Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 21:34     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Anonymous wrote:You don’t have a problem. You have a concern about a contingent event. If/when the problem materializes get a lawyer and have the trustee replaced. In the meantime go live your life.


+1

Your mom is sucking you into sick mind games.

Your kids aren’t going to have any relationship with them. By the time they are 18, they won’t want to deal with that drama and manipulation.

Chances are that your sister will find a way to steal the money.

So go forth and enjoy life and your family and do not worry about this until your mom passes. Right now, she’s trying to reel you back in. Don’t let her.

Assume you all get zero. If you do get something, it will be a bonus.

Your mom might not even have that much.


Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 21:26     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Anonymous wrote:Please stop starting new threads. You should instead update the new thread.


+1000
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 21:17     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Please stop starting new threads. You should instead update the new thread.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 21:12     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Anonymous wrote:Going through probate with a mom like this now. You need to hire an attorney and make sure that the will was done properly and there are lots of loopholes to most wills as I am learning. Then, petition the court for a new trustee. In my family its so bad, I'm probably just going to give up the money as its not worth it.


DP here. If you petition for a new trustee, your sister will get an army against you, if she has to pay them to do so. If she is like some people - she would rather strangers get the money than you and your family. I am guessing that your sister is jealous of you, OP?
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 21:09     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Anonymous wrote:Just assume you won’t get anything and just be relieved you have distanced yourself from the craziness

Also, I have found that people like this live a really long time so as to maximise the misery they inflict on others.


+1

Very much YES!!! on both counts, OP.

It will cost more in lawyer fees than you likely want to put forth. Your sister might change whatever she wants, or make whatever excuses once your mother passes. Do you have a copy of the will? Because that alone will be money and time consuming. As other PPs have stated, fund those 529s and get used to the idea that you will be left with nothing. For all you know, your sister could "pay herself" (or some other loophole) more than you expected, draw up a will and have your mom sign it under duress, and/or p&ss away the rest.

People like this are not above board, in any sense of the word. Do not expect them to magically do the right thing, because all that matters to them is them. Selfish is an understatement. They have already made their sentiment known to you, however inaccurate, unfair, or wrong.

Live your life in peace, and enjoy your beautiful family.

Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 17:44     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
She's trying to get a reaction out of you. Ignore her.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 17:21     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
I would just assume there will be no money. And, it sounds like no amount of money is worth dealing with your family OP.

If your mother does die, you can get a lawyer and figure out next steps. Otherwise, your family is keeping control of you (and your kids) by dangling the money in front of your kids. No amount of money is worth this, unless you are completely impoverished.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 16:58     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Going through probate with a mom like this now. You need to hire an attorney and make sure that the will was done properly and there are lots of loopholes to most wills as I am learning. Then, petition the court for a new trustee. In my family its so bad, I'm probably just going to give up the money as its not worth it.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 16:56     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
What is the long term plan for caring for your mom when she is incapacitated? If the plan is for you and your kids to get nothing, you really don’t have an obligation to help with the elderly care (changing soiled clothes, time out from work for doctors appointments, keeping an eye on the help). That should all fall on your sister now. Enjoy yourself OP!
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 16:28     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Just assume you and your kids will never, ever see a penny. Stop talking to your mom and sister. Give these people no more of your headspace.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 15:19     Subject: Re:Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You children can petition for a new trustee.


Is it a whole legal battle or easy to do. I read there are trustee services. I assume it would be easiest to petition to just have one of those services manage it?


It’s certainly not automatic.


Unless your kids portion of the estate will be in the millions it’s not worth it to try to have a trustee removed and replaced. Almost a million dollars in lawyer fees later and our dishonest trustee has yet to be removed. Courts hate to remove trustees.

Your mom is a jerk. No one should continue to manipulate with their money from their graves. I’d probably consider to ask for my kids to be proactively disinherited to not have to deal with the hassle.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 12:26     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
I would just act as if that money doesn't exist at all. When the time comes that your kids are old enough to have access, I'd explain the situation.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2023 12:23     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Anonymous wrote: My mother is determined to force a relationship between me and my sister and force my kids to be close with her. My mother has informed me that due to my boundaries and (refusal to get sucked into chaos anymore), she will be leaving me out of any inheritance and my kids and sister will inherit with my sister in charge of the money my kids inherit through a trust. My mother has lived in denial as my sister has been accused of creepy behavior with a cousin's child (and I have also distanced due to inappropriate boundaries with my kids and many other things). My kids want nothing to do with her and are afraid of her. Sister is currently making her ex-husband's life a living hell (and mom is upset I am not more supportive). He got custody of their child and so mom is now excluding that grandchild from her will which is typical of her with manipulating and playing favorites. Sister is currently suing a neighbor and her workplace where she was fired. Many of her friendships end when the person reaches her limits with favor requests or doesn't want to hear the drama anymore. There is no substance abuse that I know of, but there is a lot of untreated mental health stuff including entitlement, grandiosity, mild paranoia. (yes I have posted about this before, but not the new situation where I am disinherited and my kids will be forced to interact with her).

Is there anything I can do to make sure my sister has no power over my children accessing that money when they are adults? She is absolutely the type to try to manipulate them and create obstacles to force them to see her and pretend to be close. Also, is there anything I can do to ensure boundaries are put on when they get money? Mom won't allow me to discuss or ask questions. I certainly hope they cannot access it all at say 21 or even 18, though I am not allowed to ask how much "it all" even is.

So is there anything I can do legally to protect them from my sister and also make sure they only get access to enough money in their early 20s for things like grad school, living expenses and then as they get older and wiser things loosen? I also want to make sure as 18 year olds they don't have access to some large sum of money.


Your mom is using this money as leverage over you. You need to plan to NOT have it and go about your life. If your kids receive it think of it as a nice bonus.

The only step I'd recommend you take legally is find out how to force a regular (annual? bi-annual? quarterly?) accounting from the beginning and ruthlessly enforce it - at arms length, through an attorney that represents your children's interests.
Anonymous
Post 09/09/2023 17:25     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Anonymous wrote:Your vindictive mother could disinherit your children if you challenge her decision. She might do that anyway, especially if your sister influences your mother to leave it all to her. My suggestion is to assume your children will get nothing and plan your financial lives accordingly. BTDT and it is what is keeping me strong and mentally healthy now that my parent passed and me and my children completely disinherited in favor of my sibling. It still is emotionally devastating.

+1 I think it’s safe to say that your sister will find a way to cut your kids out and get it all, so make sure your kids will be able to support themselves.
Anonymous
Post 09/09/2023 16:09     Subject: Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee
Anonymous wrote:You don’t have a problem. You have a concern about a contingent event. If/when the problem materializes get a lawyer and have the trustee replaced. In the meantime go live your life.


This exactly. You don’t have a problem now. My guess is your mom will live to be 100 and will spend lots of money of bogus lawsuits like your sister along the way. Assume there’s nothing coming.