Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Op here. I don't do his laundry, just mine and DD's. We outsource with a housecleaner 2x a month, but any other maintenance cleaning, like dishes, wiping down counters, taking out trash, picking up, vacuum, making the bed, etc. he just does not do. Not only that, he stays up late and leaves trash and dishes out when he goes to bed, so I come downstairs at 5am and start my day by picking up cereal bowls and snack wrappers.

He doesn't take DD to activities except the rare occasion I have an after work event. He has nothing to do with DD and school (homework, conferences, paper work, lunch money, etc). Never schedules or attends a dr appt. Never has bought her clothes, certainly couldn't tell you her clothing or shoe size.

There was one day I was WFH and I got DD ready, took her to the bus, came home, started work, worked for 2 hours and he was still sleeping. I waited to see how long he would sleep before realizing HE HAD WORK and I let him go till after 9:30 before I woke him up because then I worried he might miss a meeting and get fired and that would suck more than proving a point.

The only thing he appears to care about is work. He is focused and motivated there, but that's it. I've said multiple times that I can't do it all with the job I have. I'm literally drowning and am so tired.

He doesn't care about affection or intimacy, so that's not even a source of leverage. It feels hopeless.

I'm not sure how much he cares about his work if he's sleeping in during the work week.

At this point, I would not offload any childcare to him because I would be afraid he half a$$es it. I would not want my kid to be late to school or do badly on a HW because the dad couldn't be bothered. It's one thing to have the dad suffer, but another to let the kid suffer because the dad is such a lazy, selfish, ahole.

I think you guys need marital counseling.

I'll repeat: most men should not have children. They cannot handle it. They can just about handle their own lives: going to work, feeding himself. Throw in a young child who needs someone to do all that for them and more, and those men get lost.

Anonymous wrote:What homework does an 8yo have?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he depressed? Low T? Hypothyroid? Does he smoke weed? The way you describe him, it seems as though something medical might be going on. I recommend a complete workup, including bloodwork.

Good luck, OP, things sound miserable.

Op here. Probably one or several of the above. I know he has a nicotine addiction because he vapes constantly when I'm not around and it's gotten significantly worse since he WFH full time in the last 3.5 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

Men like her DH don’t want 50% custody!

OP if you’re smart about the way you go about presenting separation to him, you can probably work out something that really improves your life. My DH sounds identical to yours. Luckily our finances are pretty straightforward and I was able to propose a financial settlement that he had no problem with. I knew he didn’t want 50-50 but loves to travel with DH so I said “what about you get Thursday and Friday nights, plus as many trips as you want.” I also offered that he could come over in the evenings (which I doubt he will.) Even though with this custody split I could have asked for some child support, I didn’t because it was a small amount (like $200/month) and I didn’t want to jeopardize the custody amount.

OP here. I can't imagine him wanting 50/50 except so he wouldn't have to pay child support. As it is, DD and I are gone from the house most weeknights at her activities, so he basically lives the single life M-Th nights until we come home. The man has more free time than any husband and father I know. And he sure as sh*t doesn't use that time we are gone to clean or pick up. If anything, we come home and it's messier because he ordered takeout and can't clean up after himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Op here. I don't do his laundry, just mine and DD's. We outsource with a housecleaner 2x a month, but any other maintenance cleaning, like dishes, wiping down counters, taking out trash, picking up, vacuum, making the bed, etc. he just does not do. Not only that, he stays up late and leaves trash and dishes out when he goes to bed, so I come downstairs at 5am and start my day by picking up cereal bowls and snack wrappers.

He doesn't take DD to activities except the rare occasion I have an after work event. He has nothing to do with DD and school (homework, conferences, paper work, lunch money, etc). Never schedules or attends a dr appt. Never has bought her clothes, certainly couldn't tell you her clothing or shoe size.

There was one day I was WFH and I got DD ready, took her to the bus, came home, started work, worked for 2 hours and he was still sleeping. I waited to see how long he would sleep before realizing HE HAD WORK and I let him go till after 9:30 before I woke him up because then I worried he might miss a meeting and get fired and that would suck more than proving a point.

The only thing he appears to care about is work. He is focused and motivated there, but that's it. I've said multiple times that I can't do it all with the job I have. I'm literally drowning and am so tired.

He doesn't care about affection or intimacy, so that's not even a source of leverage. It feels hopeless.

I'm not sure how much he cares about his work if he's sleeping in during the work week.

At this point, I would not offload any childcare to him because I would be afraid he half a$$es it. I would not want my kid to be late to school or do badly on a HW because the dad couldn't be bothered. It's one thing to have the dad suffer, but another to let the kid suffer because the dad is such a lazy, selfish, ahole.

I think you guys need marital counseling.

I'll repeat: most men should not have children. They cannot handle it. They can just about handle their own lives: going to work, feeding himself. Throw in a young child who needs someone to do all that for them and more, and those men get lost.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

Men like her DH don’t want 50% custody!

OP if you’re smart about the way you go about presenting separation to him, you can probably work out something that really improves your life. My DH sounds identical to yours. Luckily our finances are pretty straightforward and I was able to propose a financial settlement that he had no problem with. I knew he didn’t want 50-50 but loves to travel with DH so I said “what about you get Thursday and Friday nights, plus as many trips as you want.” I also offered that he could come over in the evenings (which I doubt he will.) Even though with this custody split I could have asked for some child support, I didn’t because it was a small amount (like $200/month) and I didn’t want to jeopardize the custody amount.

Anonymous wrote:Is he depressed? Low T? Hypothyroid? Does he smoke weed? The way you describe him, it seems as though something medical might be going on. I recommend a complete workup, including bloodwork.

Good luck, OP, things sound miserable.

Anonymous wrote:Can we just get a new forum here called Deadweight Husbands? Honestly a good 20% of all posts in the relationship forum seem to be about feral men and the women who have foolishly married them. Maybe these wives can start some sort of fight club/strangers on a train kind of deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you divorce, stop doing anything that benefits him. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Don't help him find his car keys, buy a gift for his mother, or make his colonoscopy appointment. No affection or intimacy of course. Treat him like a platonic roommate you found on Craigslist. Then perhaps he will see all you do for him and how much work it is. Maybe he will start to appreciate you. But honestly, I doubt it! You have my blessing to skip straight to divorce if all that sounds unappealing.

Getting passive aggressive isn’t helpful nor will it have that result you fantasize about.

Divorce is an option but don’t expect it to be a panacea and understand you lose daily access to your child.

OP here. That's why I don't want to divorce, I don't want to not see my kid everyday. And honestly, she will HATE that too.

without divorce the household just becomes bitter and unhappy (at best). divorce in your case does NOT have to mean 50-50.