Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 17:00     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
I'm sorry. I had a horrible labor day weekend fighting over this very thing. My DH and I went up to our weekend house and we passed a woman out walking her dog as we approached our house -- a woman who has been aggressively awful to me (and to other women in our friend group before me). Unfortunately, she is the wife of one of DH's best friends. We were in separate cars (transporting new furniture so needed two cars), him in front of me, and he stopped his car, rolled down the window and greeted her. We fought horribly. I felt he wasn't on my side and didn't have my back.

I don't know what to tell you, but it feels awful.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 16:31     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Time to split up. Your spouse should be supportive. Otherwise, why spend your one life with that person?


Agree. My ex was that way. It’s not sustainable and will gradually tear away your self esteem.


No this is too extreme. We've had talks about it and how it frustrates me. Somebody pointed out that it could be frustration with me and that could be a part it. So I've been trying to work on that relationship.

But, I'm not but right now on opening up with her if I think she's just going to criticize me.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 15:34     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
Anonymous wrote:Time to split up. Your spouse should be supportive. Otherwise, why spend your one life with that person?


Agree. My ex was that way. It’s not sustainable and will gradually tear away your self esteem.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 15:25     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
If you get a response different from what you’ve hoped for, just say so: I wasn’t looking for an opinion, I am in need of sympathy. Or, Sometimes I don’t need a solution, I just need a hug. If your partner cannot tell the difference all you can do is clarify for them.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 15:11     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
Anonymous wrote:OP, she has contempt for you. This is bad. When did this start? Was there a big event where she felt you were to blame and she has not let it go? This is a lot of work related items here- it's a theme- is there an overall theme to all this professional drama? Does she offer specific feedback or advice other than laughing at you? She just sounds contemptuous and 'over it'. Either get to therapy with her or STOP sharing with her.

Agreed. She doesn't seem to care about you and want to deal with any of your vulnerabilities.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 14:43     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
And this is a gay female/ female marriage or just dating?
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 14:39     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
OP, she has contempt for you. This is bad. When did this start? Was there a big event where she felt you were to blame and she has not let it go? This is a lot of work related items here- it's a theme- is there an overall theme to all this professional drama? Does she offer specific feedback or advice other than laughing at you? She just sounds contemptuous and 'over it'. Either get to therapy with her or STOP sharing with her.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 14:11     Subject: Re:Spouse who never takes my side
Anonymous wrote:I think having people immediately "play devil's advocate" whenever you try to talk to them about some difficulty you are having is a toxic trait. I think there are lots of reasons people do this, but the overwhelming message is "I don't buy your description of your own life, and also I default to assuming you caused any problem." It's just a really bad impulse in any relationship (parent-child, marriage, friendship, even many work relationships). It shows a lack of trust and will result in less trust in the long run.

If you can't at least BEGIN a conversation with your spouse or other loved one with the assumption that they are accurately describing the situation, then you have serious empathy issues that need to be addressed. It's not tenable.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I have been through it and the only thing that worked was just very clearly pointing out the dynamic and why it was hurtful, and not accepting it. Like if she can't approach conversations with you by giving you the benefit of the doubt at least to begin, then I would not confide in her until she can.


Agree. You first try to find common ground and then ask if they want an alternative opinion. Not just blurt it out without care for their feelings.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 12:59     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
Anonymous wrote:Honestly it’s unusual to have multiple complaints levied against you at work, so she’s probably a little freaked out and trying to get you to see the urgency of addressing the situation.

I have a DH who never takes my side, but it’s about literally everything. I could say it’s raining out and it could literally be sheets of rain outside and he’d said I was wrong. That’s what I thought this post would be about and that’s a different situation.


Yeah that's a surprise for me too. I went for a long time with no complaints then bam a few complaints in succession. No sweat off my back because I was in the right, but it was weird.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 12:56     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
Anonymous wrote:How old are you? You seem to love playing the victim at work and home.


Love playing the victim?

This is me bringing up issues over a maybe 5 year period. Now like the thread kinda geared towards. I just stopped talking to her about getting bullied as a child and what's happening at work because she's not going to take my sides. It leads to hollow conversations though.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 12:28     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
Anonymous wrote:Honestly it’s unusual to have multiple complaints levied against you at work, so she’s probably a little freaked out and trying to get you to see the urgency of addressing the situation.

I have a DH who never takes my side, but it’s about literally everything. I could say it’s raining out and it could literally be sheets of rain outside and he’d said I was wrong. That’s what I thought this post would be about and that’s a different situation.


The bullying thing is not a good look for her, but the bolded jumped out at me too. It's like the saying goes, OP, if you meet one jerk in a day you met a jerk, if everyone you meet all day is a jerk then you're the jerk.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 12:24     Subject: Re:Spouse who never takes my side
Where’s OP? Or is this yet another troll post in the Relationship forum? 🥱
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 11:53     Subject: Re:Spouse who never takes my side
Anonymous wrote:She is not meeting your needs but have you made your needs clear? “Hey, I want to vent and talk about work real quick. Do you have time to just listen? I don’t need advice or opinions at this time.”
Wth? Is that how you begin conversations with your husband. Serious question, is this advice you actually follow yourself?
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 11:48     Subject: Spouse who never takes my side
Anonymous wrote:How old are you? You seem to love playing the victim at work and home.


BINGO. My husband does this. He has so many people that he dislikes/can't stand that it's definitely him. And then he seems totally at a loss as to how that might translate over to things like promotions, etc. And if I don't agree in 100% lockstep then he says I never take his side.
Anonymous
Post 09/04/2023 11:47     Subject: Re:Spouse who never takes my side
She is not meeting your needs but have you made your needs clear? “Hey, I want to vent and talk about work real quick. Do you have time to just listen? I don’t need advice or opinions at this time.”