Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 08:10     Subject: Re:Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
One thing I haven’t seen in OP’s description of the issue is her concretely asking for help and her DH refusing.

OP, have you asked DH to help you figure this out? Have you asked him to step up and earn more?

Earlier in our marriage, I was out earning DH x5 in a job I didn’t like and carrying most of the house/kids care burden. I was at a breaking point, and very directly told DH I needed him to make more money so I could move to a lower paying job. He did it. But he watched me struggle and complain for five years and never proactively did anything. I’ve come to realize that he needs a direct request to take action. Maybe your DH is similar.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 08:10     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.


We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.


I kind of think you should do it. If you get divorced, alimony and child support will be based on your current salary, and you will be trapped in this job. Better to do it while you’re still married.


You can’t be willfully underemployed to reduce spousal or child support. A judge will impute income based on what you are capable of earning. So quitting now in hopes of paying less won’t fly.


Not exactly. If OP leaves a $500k job for a $300k job because the old one was toxic and destroying her mental health, the judge is not going to impute $500k as her income. That’s what we are saying. (I am making up the numbers)
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 08:09     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.


We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.


I kind of think you should do it. If you get divorced, alimony and child support will be based on your current salary, and you will be trapped in this job. Better to do it while you’re still married.


You can’t be willfully underemployed to reduce spousal or child support. A judge will impute income based on what you are capable of earning. So quitting now in hopes of paying less won’t fly.


Wait, what?

So, if I have an MD, and I decide to be a high school science teacher, and five years down the road I get a divorce, I have to do some kind of re-entry program and go back? I can’t be a science teacher anymore? That sounds crazy.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 08:06     Subject: Re:Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every therapist in the world suggest to just listen and not provide solutions. You have the one H on earth that does that and you’re mad about it.

File this under looking for a fight.

Lol.

Now never responding, never offering emotional support, never having back & forth conversation, not making eye contact, and just twiddling on your iPhone while someone’s talking to you about important stuff is called “listening”.

What a hoot. What psychotic planet are you on PP?


Listen lady. You are wrong. You have terrible interpersonal skills and you want him to solve your problems. Sorry not sorry.

You've venting, he listened. If you need advice on careers get a mentor.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:53     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.


We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.


I kind of think you should do it. If you get divorced, alimony and child support will be based on your current salary, and you will be trapped in this job. Better to do it while you’re still married.


You can’t be willfully underemployed to reduce spousal or child support. A judge will impute income based on what you are capable of earning. So quitting now in hopes of paying less won’t fly.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:52     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he does what a lot of men do in a stressful situation: shut down emotionally. He is trying to cope as much as you but in his own way. I see a lot of assumptions in your post that he doesn’t care but that is not necessarily true.

Often men don’t articulate “I’m worried, I’m scared, I can’t push harder at work because I’m so stressed about what is going on at home with your health.” When my DD was very sick DH could not articulate his feelings either but it did not mean he did not care.

For a marriage to survive you have to assume good faith, not bad faith. You both really should have therapy and marriage counselling.


Is he’s ASD or HFA none of the above applies. He doesn’t care and cannot care. True he’s in shutdown mode, but he usually is.


Both of our posts are speculative but yours is making a diagnosis based on a few paragraphs of second hand information.

If OP truly feels that her husband is neurodivergent then that is her first issue to tackle. He sounds like a typical man to me though.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:51     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
You wouldn’t walk into an insane asylum and try to reason or expect much from the guy who thinks he’s Jesus. So don’t expect normal behavior from a spouse or dad like Op has.

That’s what it means to accept the situation. You never have to accept the bad manners, neglect, stonewalling, lack of partnership- but you do have to accept that he’s- for whatever reason (jerk, narc, misogynist, autism)- incapable of it.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:51     Subject: Re:Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every therapist in the world suggest to just listen and not provide solutions. You have the one H on earth that does that and you’re mad about it.

File this under looking for a fight.

Lol.

Now never responding, never offering emotional support, never having back & forth conversation, not making eye contact, and just twiddling on your iPhone while someone’s talking to you about important stuff is called “listening”.

What a hoot. What psychotic planet are you on PP?


After a while, everyone gets tired of listening to whining. You sound like a broken record. Quit your complaining or do something about it. But this need of yours for him to fix it is weird.

I mean, we’re only two pages in and I’m tired of listening to you too.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:50     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
How often are you venting/crying about work? I’d listen to DH vent, but if it was frequent, I’d probably be scrolling my phone too. Not because I don’t care but I have my own stress and can’t spend the little free time I have absorbing his.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:47     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he does what a lot of men do in a stressful situation: shut down emotionally. He is trying to cope as much as you but in his own way. I see a lot of assumptions in your post that he doesn’t care but that is not necessarily true.

Often men don’t articulate “I’m worried, I’m scared, I can’t push harder at work because I’m so stressed about what is going on at home with your health.” When my DD was very sick DH could not articulate his feelings either but it did not mean he did not care.

For a marriage to survive you have to assume good faith, not bad faith. You both really should have therapy and marriage counselling.


Is he’s ASD or HFA none of the above applies. He doesn’t care and cannot care. True he’s in shutdown mode, but he usually is.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:46     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Husband and I have been together 13y. But I've started to realize he really doesn't care if I'm ok. I had cancer last year and he was helpful, but not concerned. Since then he's just been mainly... annoyed. I am the breadwinner and have a job I hate, but make a lot (about x5 his salary). I've noticed he doesn't ever proactively try to help me figure out a way to downsize our lives so that I can take a step back. He'll listen and nod - sometimes - when I tell him how unhappy I am. But he never ever suggests solutions for us to adjust so that I could have a better balance. There are times when I am literally crying my eyes out about the level of stress from my job and he is vaguely listening while scrolling on his phone. Right now I am interviewing elsewhere and seeing red flags in places and he just... doesn't care. He says "oh it will be fine". Like - not necessarily if you're the one pulling the 55h weeks surrounded by the worst people ever. He never pulls extra effort with his own career. Recently I got super sick again and was worried and he just made me feel like I was a crazy, anxious irritation who needed to chill the f out. Maybe I am! But clearly he has no more interest in making the effort.
any advice? I would really prefer not to divorce w a 7 and 10 yo, one is neurodiverse. but it's getting - into ridic territory. Should we just divorce or separate or what makes sense?


Men are told over and over to just listen when women vent, not to offer solutions.

Not saying that’s what’s happening here. But we are repeatedly told not to try to fix things when the women in our lives complain.


Use your judgment Pp. Not your rigid, fixated, black & white attempt at a “gotcha” moment. Lame.

Talking about your aspergers sons school is a family decision and discussion. Discuss. Come prepared.

Talking about your spouses toxic job and need for a change is heavy stuff, seek to understanding and set a plan with them.

Talking about making it through cancer and years of follow up and need for rest is damn important. Put down the damn iPhone, hug them, listen and discuss.

None of those of someone coming home from work and harping about the traffics, or Suzy’s emails, or a jerk at work. They are huge family decisions that require a decision making process with input and thought from all capable.

Now if he’s incapable, write him off. Op is a single parent, the only really adult in the family. She needs to “accept” that and act accordingly.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:40     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
It sounds like he does what a lot of men do in a stressful situation: shut down emotionally. He is trying to cope as much as you but in his own way. I see a lot of assumptions in your post that he doesn’t care but that is not necessarily true.

Often men don’t articulate “I’m worried, I’m scared, I can’t push harder at work because I’m so stressed about what is going on at home with your health.” When my DD was very sick DH could not articulate his feelings either but it did not mean he did not care.

For a marriage to survive you have to assume good faith, not bad faith. You both really should have therapy and marriage counselling.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:37     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:Husband and I have been together 13y. But I've started to realize he really doesn't care if I'm ok. I had cancer last year and he was helpful, but not concerned. Since then he's just been mainly... annoyed. I am the breadwinner and have a job I hate, but make a lot (about x5 his salary). I've noticed he doesn't ever proactively try to help me figure out a way to downsize our lives so that I can take a step back. He'll listen and nod - sometimes - when I tell him how unhappy I am. But he never ever suggests solutions for us to adjust so that I could have a better balance. There are times when I am literally crying my eyes out about the level of stress from my job and he is vaguely listening while scrolling on his phone. Right now I am interviewing elsewhere and seeing red flags in places and he just... doesn't care. He says "oh it will be fine". Like - not necessarily if you're the one pulling the 55h weeks surrounded by the worst people ever. He never pulls extra effort with his own career. Recently I got super sick again and was worried and he just made me feel like I was a crazy, anxious irritation who needed to chill the f out. Maybe I am! But clearly he has no more interest in making the effort.
any advice? I would really prefer not to divorce w a 7 and 10 yo, one is neurodiverse. but it's getting - into ridic territory. Should we just divorce or separate or what makes sense?


Men are told over and over to just listen when women vent, not to offer solutions.

Not saying that’s what’s happening here. But we are repeatedly told not to try to fix things when the women in our lives complain.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:36     Subject: Re:Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:Every therapist in the world suggest to just listen and not provide solutions. You have the one H on earth that does that and you’re mad about it.

File this under looking for a fight.

Lol.

Now never responding, never offering emotional support, never having back & forth conversation, not making eye contact, and just twiddling on your iPhone while someone’s talking to you about important stuff is called “listening”.

What a hoot. What psychotic planet are you on PP?
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 07:33     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You should just tell him you are quitting and looking for a new job. Do you have any savings? Don’t wait for permission to live your life, but also, don’t jump to divorce.


We have savings but we will have to take the kids out of school and move. It really requires both of us to plan. I can in theory just decide to upend our lives - but it would be so much better if he could summon some vestige of caring and being part of any type of big picture decision making. Right now it’s like having a very neutral nanny that lives with you and would be inconvenienced but not devastated if you were to cease to be.


I kind of think you should do it. If you get divorced, alimony and child support will be based on your current salary, and you will be trapped in this job. Better to do it while you’re still married.



+1

It would certainly suk to pay him child support to be a crappy coparent solely because you have a real career and he doesn’t.