OP, let your husband have a 1500 dollar long weekend trip. You can easily afford that. Marriage is about enabling each other's happiness. He will be grateful for what you let him do, and will change his mindset from demanding 'you pay back' to caring about a common future.

Anonymous wrote:OP - sorry to be clear it’s about $1500 for college and $500 to his family per month.

Yes my parents gifts were also commingled and used for the entire family.

My husband is a good person. but I get the impression he isn’t seeing this clearly, nor does he see the totality of 20 years of combined assets. I agree he should earn more if he wants these trips and have told him as much. I just think he doesn’t want to admit his inability to do these trip on our current combined income is a result of his decreased income. He gets very upset when I go anywhere near that topic.

But at the same time I am busting my ass year after year to get my income up.

I think he's upset about not being able to go on a trip with his friends, who are likely doing well and spend a lot of money on those trips. Let him do a trip. If he's a 'good guy' like you say he is, he'll feel guilty/thankful about you letting him do the trip and behave accordingly. All this 'hold him accountable', 'ask him to get a higher paying job' crap won't work. He won't, and will just continue to be resentful. Do you really want a resentful husband at your age? Based on the way you write, I suspect you are not "White people", ready to divorce and find another man at the drop of a hat, so that's likely not an option for you..

OP here - first, we don’t take home 15K a month. The nature of his job means that he brings home a guaranteed $4k/month and I bring home a guaranteed $3845 per pp (so $8.3k/month). The rest is bonuses, which are not guaranteed (and because he isn’t working too hard at work, his bonuses are more iffy). Our mortgage is $4K. Also while we give $500 to his mother and bother, that will increase and we also pay for plane tickets and hotels for them to visit us 2-3x a year. Also again, we didn’t have these salaries most of our marriage. Historically we were probably right below $200k.

We have some fairly costly home maintenance project that we have to save for. We also need a new car.

The guys trips are long weeks, so plane ride, hotel, dinner and excursions. I think the last one was $1500.

I think a prior poster hit the nail on the head when she said one of my frustrations is that my H doesn’t see/understand our financial picture. He has Mint so he sees all our accounts, but he doesn’t get our in and out expenses. I have tried to show him everything and explain it but he just doesn’t get it. He literally told me if he won $1M he could retire tomorrow.

I also think his focus on the boys weekends just makes part of me sad. The last time it came up, we were talking about him and I going away for a long weekend and things weren’t great at his job so we didn’t go. But a month later he wanted to fly to Portland for a guys weekend.

But again, it’s this sudden idea that he get his $45k back that frustrates me. He is obsessed with what money is his in the marriage and what is mine, even though his retirements accounts are higher than mine because he started maxing before me. And he doesn’t count all my parents gifts to us in his calculations.

Anonymous wrote:You are in a power struggle. Talking to a third party trained in helping married couples negotiate through uneven power financial situations might help. You have the upper hand here and seem to be overriding his opinions.

I agree with the 3rd party thing, but don't see her as "overriding" --rather he wants something reasonable (a trip with friends) but has come up with a cockamamie, oblivious way to justify it and she's got a lot of simmering resentment about her workload, and upset that what he wants (a guy's trip with friends) isn't what she wants (trips together in the future when finances are less tight) and that he's not as tuned into the whole financial picture.


I think the thing to do is to identify all the wants--and OP can want not to have to work so hard too and have wants of her own that should be respected--and work out the long-term budget together. OP doesn't get to prioritize her wants because she earns more, but she also doesn't have to sacrifice her well-being working so hard either. She can say she wants to downshift in her career too--or if it's important to the family budget for her not to downshift can identify the non-negotiable expenses that will support her ability to work with well-being (e.g., housecleaners, couples' vacation for them). I think her definition of what they need for security might need a check with a 3rd party--either to validate her perspective or to offer an alternate view. It might be that what she thinks as reasonable is too controlling OR it might be that the combination of what he wants (low-stress job, daily lifestyle spending, guys' trips) is beyond their means without adjusting the budget/his income.

But I think financial and marital counseling is definitely in order.

Hi OP,

A lot of your problems are rooted in poor communication. Here are some thoughts:
- While DH and and I have individual savings accounts, I would never just take them money from my savings account and go on a trip with my girl friends. There is more to vacations than the money. Overall, I do find it healthy though to have trips without DH. We do take trips with just our friends, without spouses.
- We used DH's inheritance for the downpayment on our house and we did pay it back. It was not *me* paying *him* back. It just seemed fair. Assuming we stay married and live long enough to be retired, I am sure we will use this money to pay for our joint expenses.
- You seem very resentful that your DH is not making more money. Again, this is something to explore with a therapist. I have a super stressful job and make multiples of DH's fed job. I cannot imagine both of us having super stressful jobs.

There may be some cultural expectations wrapped up in what's going on with you guys... In any case, good luck!

Anonymous wrote:You don’t travel together “yet”?! You have been married for 20 years and this man is trying to figure out ow to reclaim his inheritance as something other than commingled. There is only one reason yo be doing that.

If I am truly the person breaking this to you I am really sorry, but OP: you are not going to be traveling with this person. You are probably getting divorced.

Agreed

OP you have fairly awesome problems - just to give you a little perspective.

You and your DH need to be in marriage counseling for assistance getting on the same page as empty nesters.

Sure, deduct $45K from the $80K he owes you. Surely he'll be happy with that. Fair is fair!

Also, how expensive is this boy's trip? Maybe the boys need to grow up.

Worse comes to worst, he can put the trip on a credit card, and pay it back out of the estate when you or he dies after your parents die.

I can't imagine being this rich and ruining your peace of mind fighting over how to waste your money.

You are in a power struggle. Talking to a third party trained in helping married couples negotiate through uneven power financial situations might help. You have the upper hand here and seem to be overriding his opinions.

Why would you pay him back when the 45k was spent in your mutual benefit?

No, I would not do this. I would not discuss the details other than to tell him he has already benefitted financially and will continue to do so.

But, I think it seems reasonable for some money to go to travel! You sound very secure financially so you can afford a trip.

Hell to the no.

My spouse would not ask me to pay back an inheritance - that would be for both of us. I don't really understand the question. If he wants to travel more - you can take a look at your budget together and see where the money can come from. I am like a broken record, but I highly recommend trying YNAB to see where your money is going. You can do a free 34 day trial.

At $300k you have to be bringing in $15k per month. After college and family help, that’s $13k left. Your kids are out of the house. You’ve been married for 20 years so presumably your mortgage is pretty low. I cant see how you cant figure out how to travel. I think the PP who suggested that you might be withholding travel as some sort of punishment might be on to something. And I think you’re likely headed towards divorce so I’d be working on getting my ducks in a row and not paying him back.

Op you haven’t really explained this very well.

But in any case:

1. No, you don’t need to pay him back for his inheritance that was spent on things that he wanted.

2. You should be able to take vacations abroad together on your income. They don’t need to be $$$$.

3. How much are these trips he wants to take? If ond or two can be accommodated within your budget you should let him go once ot twice.

4. His approach to money is very strange, as is your resentment of his income. Therapy may help here.

Ok OP sorry maybe I am oversimplifying this but why would he ask you to spend your time “paying him back” (???????!!!!) when if he wants to go on a trip, you all just ….send him on a trip? He can book and plan and go? Yes that would depend on everyone agreeing and shifting that money but he does see that his dumb plan of 1) you getting a promotion 2) time spent earning the extra $45k 3) THEN him going on some ghost trip he’s imagining. Also I would imagine he’s not going on a trip that costs the amount of his inheritance. He only really needs what? $5k, $10k? How long could he be going on a guys trip?

My take a little different. It seems unfair he gets to starts traveling but it mostly seems like he beat you to the punch about drawing a ping in the sand about what he wants to spend his time and money on. In long marriages these (clumsy) asks can find ways to be honored. I’m just not sure why he has a 12 step plan that involves a phantom amount of money that was already spent.