Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who could have written this because she hasn't prioritized her career in the same way most of us in the group have and she is a downer by nature. But she should know we love her for her many talents, and admire her for where she chooses to put her focus, and we don't care if she works PT or at all.

If you're her go easy on yourself.

If you haven't already, please tell her this (without 'downer by nature').

Anonymous wrote:And it sucks. I am so ashamed of my life.

Nevermind your friends, you need to learn to love yourself, poster.

I’m more than half a century old now and I can attest that some of the finest human beings I’ve ever met did not ‘achieve materially’ in life, for any number of reasons.

Measuring your life in this way and settling on feelings of shame is the problem. The lack of achievement is not the problem. The problem is not having learned to let go and to play your hand well, bloom where you are planted.

OP, my guess is that most of your friends don't care. Many of them might even be envious of you. There are many people who have achieved but at a sacrifice and they may admire someone like you who lived their life without making sacrifices. So, the person who got to SAH and not have to struggle with job, schedule, childcare, and the rat race might look like she had the luxury of staying home and enjoying caring for her children in their younger formative years.

So, what in particular disappoints you? A lot of anxieties or concerns can be fixed with an attitude change. You can learn to appreciate the things you have been able to do without the burdens and sacrifices made for those "achievements" that others have that you don't. There's usually a cost to the achievements that you see in others but don't see in yourself. And you might be surprised that others value the life that you do have in a grass is always greener manner.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and almost all my friends work. I used to be the achiever but now I’m not. DH says his success is my success but it doesn’t really feel like it. DH is probably the most successful, at least financially, among our friends.

.

A DH here and I feel the same about my spouse. You should believe. I have zero emotional ties to my success. My success is because of for my family. I don’t need the success it is just nice to be able to provide for them. My wife is an amazing woman and a great mom. I definitely couldn’t have been successful with out her. The name on the paycheck doesn’t really matter.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and almost all my friends work. I used to be the achiever but now I’m not. DH says his success is my success but it doesn’t really feel like it. DH is probably the most successful, at least financially, among our friends.

Same here. I also get alot of “when are you going back to work” and “it is such a waste of your talent”. DH earns seven figures. It is what it is. All my old classmates are CEOs, managing directors or partners. I made peace with it.

Anonymous wrote:You can't be sure about that. Many people put up a front that they are successful and it's not accurate. I know of a couple that looks to have it made and it's all smoke and mirrors. You just don't know the truth about a situation, so don't assume you aren't successful in your own right. A lot of people cheat their way to the top. Do you really want to be one of those people? They are far sadder than you can imagine.

It seems social media has created a lot more of those, convincing themselves and others of their success. Dynamic duos who really have unhealthy and unhappy dynamics going on behind the scenes. Many would fail at their relationships or in businesses. House of cards eventually fall. In meanwhile, you'll be wasting your time and energy comparing yourselves to their faux facade.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and almost all my friends work. I used to be the achiever but now I’m not. DH says his success is my success but it doesn’t really feel like it. DH is probably the most successful, at least financially, among our friends.

You two are successful in carving a good life together. You've each other, your kids, a home, social standing, financial stability, relaxed lifestyle etc. Once kids are older, you can add another career to your combined portfolio if you feel a need.

Anonymous wrote:And it sucks. I am so ashamed of my life.

Overachievers are ashamed about something else so just chill, focus on personal progress not keeping up with the Jonses.

Take a nap.

My best friend could have written this. Its not how I see her AT ALL but I try to be cognizant of her feelings when booking things or talking about my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who could have written this because she hasn't prioritized her career in the same way most of us in the group have and she is a downer by nature. But she should know we love her for her many talents, and admire her for where she chooses to put her focus, and we don't care if she works PT or at all.

If you're her go easy on yourself.

"She is a downer by nature"
Seriously?

NP. Honestly, this could describe me as well. I actively work on being positive to be better for my kids, but it's really difficult and feels fake. I haven't had a lot of positive people in my life.

I’m a SAHM and almost all my friends work. I used to be the achiever but now I’m not. DH says his success is my success but it doesn’t really feel like it. DH is probably the most successful, at least financially, among our friends.

You can't be sure about that. Many people put up a front that they are successful and it's not accurate. I know of a couple that looks to have it made and it's all smoke and mirrors. You just don't know the truth about a situation, so don't assume you aren't successful in your own right. A lot of people cheat their way to the top. Do you really want to be one of those people? They are far sadder than you can imagine.

PP to add - are your friends doing/saying something to make you feel this way? Even unintentionally? Your true friends will want to hear how you feel and why, and how they can support you.

I am the 'overachiever' in my friend group and it would break my heart to know that my friends feel ashamed in the way that you describe. And I never think of them in terms of who has achieved what. Your friends love you just as you are, OP.