Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometime, I feel that i may if not now, later in life. My daughter and I just don’t see eye to eye nor connect on many levels. I haven’t given up, she’s 16 but outside of spending a half an hour- 45 minutes a day with her, I avoid her. We fight otherwise.

You sound like a narcissist.

Or borderline.

Op here- I am in therapy and jow take meds because of DD. I am exhausted everyday from her. Through all our “exchanges” I tell her I love her and that I only want the best for her- now if she would only take her meds and do all the therapeutic things her counselor advises her to tryout, I tell her- eat, exercise, meditate, read up on self eteem books and articles. She doesn’t.

Anonymous wrote:Sure, DD is a separate person who could have real issues but whose job is it to help a child with their issues? Whose job is it to forge and maintain a connection despite difficulty? The *child’s* job? Or the emotionally mature adult parent’s job?

Have you considered that your child doesn’t feel connected to you because she **rightly perceives** that your love is conditional? I’m sorry but fantasizing about abandoning your child in the future while wondering why you don’t connect in the present….are you not seeing the obvious here?

OP, I hope you are in therapy and if you are not you should get into therapy STAT.

Love IS conditional. Love is also largely based on the perceptions and narratives we create for ourselves about other people.

Sometimes we have to have a reality check.

I mean, yes of course, for a minute or two I have considered it, but not as a serious long term thought.

I feel this way sometimes. I told my therapist who understood, but she said "oh, so you can't see the potential for her being any different when she's older"?

Which made sense to me...

My daughter does have a lot of issues. She has ocd tendencies, anxiety and manipulative behaviors from trauma & growing up with any abusive father and modeling how he behaved.

I try to do my best with her & see the bigger picture. But I have started talking more about her moving out after high school, and her behavior needing to adjust for our sake as well as her future relationships ie I stay stuff like when you have a roommate in college, that won't work to _____, or it wouldn't be fair to your best friend/boyfriend to expect them to ______ when you _____. Before I would've been happy for her to stay here for post secondary.

But yeah in my head I do sometimes get myself through by feeling like there is an end date. If she's an adult and we have a situation I can leave or she can leave. I'm not stuck being responsibility for the aftermath of all her bad choices or behavior the way I am now.

But her mind is sometimes pretty delusional and I do not know what that means for her or my future. Frankly I don't like her too much but sometimes she can maintain decent behavior for a few days or a few hours and it seems possible things could change. She just seems to like and create constant chaos in her mind and life. I don't.

The first time I went away for a couple nights with just my son, I was blown away by how NICE it was. Just easy and comfortable and enjoyable and nice.

She takes a lot of energy and a lot of space, and complicates anything simple. She has mood issues, and is rude.

My therapist said some of her issues, her friends will"fix" by how they naturally respond, but my daughter is off the deep end if someone doesn't like her or likes other people more. It is really tough to help her see the "her" part of the interaction, and accept it.

I know someone that cut their child out of their life due to them being religious fundamentalists and their child "not being right with god".

I didn’t get along with my parents at all at the end of college and the beginning of college. Honestly, I think forced therapy would have driven me further away. We have a great relationship now and talk every day. But I live across the county and we visit a couple of times per year. Some families just need space.

Anonymous wrote:Sure, DD is a separate person who could have real issues but whose job is it to help a child with their issues? Whose job is it to forge and maintain a connection despite difficulty? The *child’s* job? Or the emotionally mature adult parent’s job?

Have you considered that your child doesn’t feel connected to you because she **rightly perceives** that your love is conditional? I’m sorry but fantasizing about abandoning your child in the future while wondering why you don’t connect in the present….are you not seeing the obvious here?

OP, I hope you are in therapy and if you are not you should get into therapy STAT.

See again, you fail to understand that the DD is separate person not just an extension of the parents.
She is a whole person in and of herself.
She is close to adulthood. It is the DD's job to want and accept help with her issues.
It's not possible to force and maintain a connection with some people. They don't want the connection.
It's a small subset of children who are going to fall into this category.
The internet can't decided the OPs next steps. She needs to talk to speak to someone IRL who can evaluate the situation.
And you know what? I bet there are other people who read her message and do feel the same way.

I only know of one set of parents who have cut their kid out of their life and it was because the teen was very violent. They had to call the police on the teen several times. He hit both parents and younger kids in the home.

The teen was finally ordered by the courts into residential treatment for troubled youth until their 18th birthday.

They were in contact with their kid while he was in treatment but they went no contact after he was released and threatened his siblings. I don't think they've had contact in 4-5 years. The kid (and adult now) has been in and out of jail for robbery and assault over the years.

Anonymous wrote:OP. You may not want to hear it, but it’s you that has the problem. Your daughter is doing something that triggers you. Figure out what that is and own it.

You cannot say that without knowing the situation. The child could have serious issues and every parent is human.

I have a very difficult relationship with my 15 year old. He has several behavioral issues and has been diagnosed with a bunch of "stuff". I have found a great therapist for myself to deal with my feelings of guilt, shame and anger. We have sought a parenting coach and my child is in therapy. While everything is not perfect, it is better.
I understand your pain and it is no point that any parent wants to be. I am sorry it is so difficult.

OP. You may not want to hear it, but it’s you that has the problem. Your daughter is doing something that triggers you. Figure out what that is and own it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The teenage years are by far the hardest. And sometimes limiting time together is the best way to have some harmony. I think also talking to a family therapist is also helpful. Working on how to communicate with her so she actually hears you is so helpful.

It is hard raising teens, but it’s not accurate to say that limiting time together is what most people must do. We still find lots of ways to enjoy and connect with our teens. It’s not perfect but nothing like OP describes.

No one said that.

The PP said that was the “best way to have some harmony.” Uh, no.

Anonymous wrote:Sometime, I feel that i may if not now, later in life. My daughter and I just don’t see eye to eye nor connect on many levels. I haven’t given up, she’s 16 but outside of spending a half an hour- 45 minutes a day with her, I avoid her. We fight otherwise.

I cut my parents out of my life at 18.

No, but my teen son has special needs and is somewhat selfish/unconcerned about others right now unless they're right in front of him. I can see him not contacting me a lot as an adult, until he needs something. Hopefully he'll need something!